Therapy Weary

[Leah123]

Hi all. I've been in therapy 3 years now, online therapy with daily email discussions/journaling and for the last year or two, usually two sessions a week a 60 and a 30 minute. Frequency was much higher initially.

My stressors right now are mainly:

1. Just having moved and the house is basically full of chaos with contractors over all the time, lots of bills, and just adjusting to the new place,
2. My daughter's improving but still affecting sleeping problems and emotional mangement issues
3. Working 60 hours a week, though honestly... I get so little downtime that I don't feel all that productive during the 60 hours, been on that schedule 4 years now and hoping to give it up soon, maybe a year or so.
4. Also, I'm not really engaged in my marriage much, I work at it, but.... the love is a choice right now, not organic.

I have a plan to change jobs in a year or so after some bills are paid off- I just earned my B.A. last year to support the career change, but new house bills are somewhat concerning in that regard, and I work from home, so I guess it's easy to be distracted and unfocused, when I add in the insanity of the move and home repairs and the trouble getting enough sleep.

I had a minor rupture with my therapist Monday, and I felt so unsettled that I had to take my blankie to bed for comfort and could hardly think of anything but therapy the next day, decided I would let her know I was frustrated with our therapy and then just take a break for a few days. But the next morning she apologized for countertransference in that session, and it helped explain why I was so frustrated and upset and confused by our session, and hurt. It kept building til I asked her if we could talk today, so we had a session and worked it out. But I had more to say tonight, so I wrote and she didn't reply.

She says I long for her more when I'm tired, (we see her as my 'good enough mother therapist') and I know I'm very tired right now, but I'm just SO drained by all this therapy and a little sad not to hear from her and just feel kind of obsessed, though given that she is in this close relationship with me, I told her and myself, I guess it only makes sense- the price of true close relationships is the ability of the other person to really impact us, and usually in my therapeutic relationship it's for the best, but... not always. It's such an intense relationship, I'm just feeling really tired now and could use some.... well, I could use some time off, which I don't have, sigh, at all, but I thought I could use some understanding from others w/PTSD in therapy.

My PTSD is much improved, but it seems like I still get really stressed by my therapist when things go wrong or she's confrontational like she was Monday, gentle but confrontational and off base too, and I just miss peace of mind. So often I'm running just to keep up. I guess I kinda wish I could lower the intensity but keep the sense of connection.

I did have what might be a major insight today as a result, so maybe I'll feel better in a bit, but... I just know I'm very tired of the anxiety around therapy and my therapist. She's typically quite consistent and encouraging and gentle, though definitely not perfect, but it's just a lot.

 

[Leah123]

She was unfair to me in session Monday too and now that I think about it, said something unfair today too, and that gets me. She apologized without prompting for the massive countertransference Monday, but I guess there was an echo of it today.

I was so upset and engrossed in working it out I actually missed a meeting at work and couldn't pay proper attention to my daughter for half an hour or so- sigh. She played a game, but...

 

[watundah]

Anxiety around the therapy and the therapist. I understand completely. Nowhere am I as amped up and tense as with her which sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it? I am being put in an uncomfortable situation of opening up which is very tough.

Anyway, can you take a break for a month? It sounds big but sometimes you need to practice what you're learning, you know? Then go back fresh. Plus it's ok to tell her you need things to lighten up a bit.

You have a heck of a lot going on and your time commitment to therapy is huge. Maybe a compromise is in there somewhere?

 

[Leah123]

Anxiety around the therapy and the therapist. I understand completely. Nowhere am I as amped up and te...

Thanks for replying. It's hard to imagine a month without her and how our relationship would change after an absence that long. I came in needing to learn the lesson of depending on someone, and I guess I definitely have lol. Maybe in line with your suggestion a little, I will say that we are actually dropping our 2nd session soon, so we'll be down to once a week (phone call) and writing to help with my budget.

I'm feeling really... shaken around, volatile and kinda tired around therapy lately, so I don't know. I'm not sure if a break would help clear the air or if I'd fill it with insecurity or if I could shake that, if it'd be good for me- I do have some other things I could do, and I'm always swamped, so plenty of things I should do, ha.