Therapy

[lilstar]

I'm glad it wasn't as bad as you thought.

 

[Nyx]

Good to hear that you have a good feeling about you therapist. This means a lot and will help you a lot. Just keep walking the good path you're on!

 

[cherryblossom]

My second session was tough. Lot's of silences. Not because I didn't know what to say, but because I was having an internal battle with saying things out loud. Something I've always struggled with. I don't really know why. I can write things down, but when it comes to saying things out loud, I have a massive issue with it.

Eventually, I said the words "I was raped by a stranger at knife point". My therapist acknowledged what I had said. And I was crying. I said 9 small words, which I had skirted round for 45 minutes, that had me in tears. We then discussed how hard it was to say those words out loud. She then said it sounded like I'd read from a script, which was very true, because I litterally spent 10-15 minutes, constructing the sentence in my head, and toying with saying the words out loud. Then I was pissed at myself for getting upset, after saying 9 short words. I kind of wish that I could loose my inhibitions and just blurt it all out.

My therapist has said, that if I prefer, I could write things down. She has said that she will happily read it. I don't have to read it aloud, and she won't read it aloud either, if I'd prefer her not to.

Part of me thinks great. I can just write stuff, she will read it, and maybe we'll discuss it, without saying too many of the 'scarey' words out loud.

Then I realised today, that to do this would be a complete and utter cop out. My 'story' is already out there, here, on PTSD forum, and also another site, Anthony has helped me put feelings to 'my story'. I have told my story in writing several times, and that has helped enourmously. But I still have problems reading it back to myself. Either I get too upset, and can't continue reading, or I am totally detatched from it. Like it didn't happen to me.

But what I've never done is told my story, in my words, out loud, face to face. That is what I need to do, now. I wish this journey wasn't so long and tourturous, but it is. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do it; tell my story out loud, without reading it. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. But that is my goal...... and I think I might be needing your support as I go through this :eek:

 

[Nyx]

We are here. And proud of you. You already saw where your weak spots are and already set a goal. That's very brave.
Maybe, if you feel you just can't jump directly to saying it, you could read it aloud. It's not writing, but you have the support of written words. Just a suggestion, so you don't get stuck on 'how am I going to do it' part.

I like that you use logic even with feelings - though my therapist tells me that this could become dangerous if we do it too much - and that you know how to ask for what you want. You are brave, so I'm sure you'll get through this with flying colors.

 

[lilstar]

We're all here supporting you and thinking of you.

(((hugs)))

 

[WonderingWhy]

(((Hugs))) from here too!

 

[catjudo]

Just a thought...I don't know...but would it be any easier for you to talk about it and say your story out loud if your therapist had first read your written story. Maybe if you shared your written story with her then she could help you work towards talking about it out loud a little at a time. And maybe it wouldn't seem so scary to say it out loud because you wouldn't be saying anything that would shock her since she really already knows the story.

I've said before, I completely relate to your ability to write about things that you can't speak about. I'm not sure if the above would make it any easier for me...it's just an idea that popped into my head as I was reading your post. Never really thought about it before.

 

[cherryblossom]

Thanks Catjudo. That thought had occured to me too. Maybe I should print out my writing anyway, and take it with me every week to the therapy. That way if I get dreadfully stuck, we can consider using the method you've suggested. Thank you.