There is a hope for PTSD

[grit]

Hi everyone,
I deactivated for couple days because I had an amazing development in my life since last weekend. But I also want to be respectful, mindful and sensitive since we all struggled and suffered enough as it is.

I deactivated because I have shifted in a fundamental way since I had that extremely high frustration anxiety for two full days over the weekend. After I soothed and released the tension, a chakra (or whatever - I do not know) has opened and every word, every expression, every feeling and every thought has changed in me in a way that I honestly cannot put all into words!
It is like I went to bed and woke up as a different person. I am brave and probably over the top to say this: I am no longer under the spell of complex PTSD.
Am I 100% recovered? Today I will say yes and I am very confident that I have gained a valuable and easy to articulate way of looking at myself. @piratelady said something about she wanted to be vulnerable in therapy and those words just sent me to a journey of change so profound and so ever lasting that I will be forever grateful to her and @hithere and many of you in this community.

The vulnerability comment took me far BECAUSE I have been extremely vulnerable like a child all my life. I wrote a post where people at work always stole my ideas all my life. That was because I was like a child like vulnerable in every situation as not to rock the boat, and was operating from emotional level and like I was seriously toward my mother. Please love me and see how good I am to give you this information please be my friend (all unconscious operating) and then that person/people steal my ideas and I always ended up quitting cause I was not good enough. THAT WAS PTSD VULNERABILITY that I was not aware of.
I wanted to be so much UNLIKE my mother - crazy, unreasonable, hostile, violent and bitch that I would look and act like bitch but my unconscious was that little child still wanting approval, needy, sad, depressed and was treating every body- even giving advice here all the time - I have something just look at me.

I operated this way as an adult and did not know any other way until now. We are all broken in some ways and the problem is not what is broken but do you know what is broken and what unbroken part may look like?My deep vulnerability worked for me to have great marriage where I am acting like a child in a safe space. I watched and defended, and protected my boundaries physically but did not know there is psychological way of protecting. I am a grown up ass woman with a career, marriage, second career in school and yet I did not know how to protect my boundary without avoidance physically. Avoiding those people, places or situations where my boundary will be crossed and interestingly enough, still I was intruded upon constantly. Always thinking about others and what they say and did and do and how to plan my way out of that or this or argue with them in my head or try to find their weakness so I can be nicer to them....TOO MUCH WORK no wonder I was exhausted, helpless, powerless and super afraid of being laughed at, taken advantage of or abandoned - not belong.

I was not depressed or suffer from general anxiety. I had no access to my right brain and left brain at the same time. I dissociated often in therapy because my right brain takes over and my left goes dead/dark except speaking gibberish or explaining what I thought the right brain was doing.

I am happy to say that today my right brain and left brain are aligned. I have a long journey ahead of me. I see how vulnerable I have been and I will not change that obviously but that vulnerability has my left brain to watch over her and soothe her when in pain.
I am seeing the world with the eyes of my childhood afraid, terrified and absolutely distrustful of others BUT i have my adult side/left sid that sees that clearly today and I can say without a doubt, I am safe. I am small. I am that child inside who needs others, who needs love who wants to be seen and heard but I am the biggest audience for that child too. I am both. The child who is needy and the woman who takes care of herself. I am the child who wants to serve and show others I am important and I am the one validating that. I can see it and feel it, and embodied today that it is hard to put into words.

Because both of my brain are in unison, I am not exhausted, helpless, afraid to learn a new thing until I am relaxed and I am so focused, concentrated and yet in the moment and here and now. I have a fog lifted but yet not really it is just cleared where the fog is and what I can do with it.

I can 100% allow you inside of my mind or not today - at this moment so there is no fear. My biggest fear was you will get into my mind and f*ck me over. Who else in the world can think like that? An abused child that thinks mom or dad or the abuser is also god.

I love you guys. I learn a lot from you. You have been an instrumental tool in my recovery. I am extremely grateful, always compassion to my inner child even before knowing this or feeling this or seeing this side of me. My hope was I will be kind to myself and now today I am kind to all of you who has been intruded upon, psychologically impugned, and violated. I hope from the bottom of my heart you find your own way and find the peace we all want.

When I deactivated my thoughts and feelings were that since I do not feel I have PTSD I no longer belong here. Again the word belong! this is what crack the core.
But in reality is I deactivated out of fear and superiority of I do not want to harm others by speaking about shedding the chains of PTSD. Fear and superiority are feelings of my childhood so I could see fear and I could survive if I felt I am superior and have invinsible powers. And I do not.
I am very slow to engage both my brain sides simultaneously but I feel everything 10Xmore. I am quicker to comeback. I am extremely spontaneous adn relaxed with my emotion because I can see deeply where it is in my psychic.
It is like all of sudden, I have my real child side infront of me and I can see where to drive her when she needs me. I am denying her feelings and actually I am wanting and welcoming her feelings and drive them safely where I need them.

It is fascinating. there is a hope. I have not met anyone who has recovered from PTSD but if you have please chime in. Even though I am saying I am recovered from PTSD - this is I have found the door to my most inner being but I am not yet expert in the arena. I have the energy though and I am not exhausted.

I just wanted to share this with you as I may not be online as much anymore. I am not looking outside as much inside and enjoying my own thoughts and feelings where before I was driven to need external input to feel alive!

love you and wishing you all the best in your pursuit of peaceful recovery.
if you have specific questions, I will answer them. Otherwise, I will be back periodically here.

Love and Peace.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like you’ve found a way to crack your dissociation issues, but dissociating is only a part of ptsd, not the entire issue/disorder.

Being vulnerable does help us move forward but vulnerability in and of itself isn’t a cure for ptsd.

Are you sure you have/had the full blown disorder, and not just a dissociation problem?

I ask as you have said repeatedly that you don’t have anxiety or depression or other symptoms typical of the disorder.

 

[hithere]

@grit this is really cool. what an awesome breakthrough. you did a lot of hard hard work. I just realized the past 7 months or so what my trauma response for survival is. similar to what you describe. I hope you stay on for awhile as people need some encouragement that change is possible. I have so much going on right now I csnt respond fully. Best Wishes @grit your descriptions are helpful to me.

 

[grit]

Thanks @hithere Appreciated your comments. I am holding you in my heart. A lot of your words were really a nice pokes on me so I hope you find mine the same as well.

@EveHarrington you have asked me this question before?So I can give you an answer to the best of my ability for today.

I was diagnosed by a Psychiatrist so on this point, I will not elaborate on her credibility or assessment tools. I can speak from my experience. I did not write trauma diary here which maybe could have helped explain my story; nevertheless, I do not doubt that I have had cptsd and btw still do - it is work in progress. You are right I have not suffered from anxiety or depression in the clinical sense but I have had my own ways of manifesting my trauma. If this helps you in anyway, I read a lot of information about mental health for a long time and more so since I have been in therapy to really learn the ins and outs of treatment and recovery. I can say I had it severe but my saving grace is that I was not attached to it any ways. When the doc told me I had PTSD, my first reaction in my head was OK sherlock Holmes...like who cares? What else could I have after what I went through? what do I need to do the best to recover and then of course I was told it will take years. The latter I never agreed and committed to it. One of the main reason I joined this site was actually about Therapy and Treatment Section. This is my most important thing to learn. yes I have a wound but how do I treat it? with what and with who?

I feel I had identity issue, mood issues that I regulated successfully but took a lot of energy, extremely weak and non-existent boundary, I did not feel safe AT ALL but I over compensated a lot of these with rationale mind and avoidance.

I can talk about this in detail another time but I over compensated a lot of things that took a lot of time and energy that were sapping my inner life. I was riding a bike on sand when there is a road that I could not see.

What worked for me is this: I married the safest man for me and I could easily see when I am at work I am different than when I am at home. When I met my husband, and he met my family, he said you are different and that I act different and he could not explain. I can tell you today...I was busy over-compensating what I needed to stay sane and safe and belong but now...I am accepting those over-compensation feelings cause I understand the deeper meaning.

Trauma affects us differently as children but IMHO not so different developmentally, BUT our adult life makes it 100% unique to each. If I was beaten and married a man who beats me, I would probably never woke up cause I would not even have imagination to find what else is out there.
I was burning inside but my life is too peaceful. I could not justify where the burn is coming from while I am swimming.
I took to inspire and lived up to my best version but was living in a fortress built on a dam. Now I acknowledge the Dam and need to rebuild the fortress by creating bridges over the dam but because I know the dam, I am not holding the fortress in my hands and mind.

Hope that answers your question @EveHarrington

 

[hithere]

@grit I hope you write book about recovering from c-ptsd as I think your writing style has a poetic depth. I can "see" it would merge art with utility. Much like kitchen designs, auto designs, etc, people need things to utilize in life, but the designer turns them into artfully crafted tools. Your book would give many suffering people the insights & roadways to recovery with a beautiful voice.

PTSD has specific themes that the Cognitve Processing 12 session Therapy covers: Power and Control, Safety, Intimacy, Self Esteem, Intimacy Issues & the Meaning of the event. <=== I'm not sure why I just wrote that, but I did, so there it is.

I felt i had completely recoverd from PTSD over 20 years ago. I had a fulfilling life. EXCEPT, I was a work a holic but in denial, even though many people questioned my constant work. I gave excuses to myself and felt good about myself. I put my clients first. When I was working my business I was doing it for my family. This worked to help avoid really big traumas that I knew were there but unable to incorporate into my "being." I had left therapy very happy over 20 years ago. In my last emdr session over 25 years ago a giant face appeared and I shut the emdr process down immediately. We tried again. Again the giant mocking, smiling face. I shut it down. I went back a week later and tried again and my kind therapist's face turned into that giant-sized mocking face again. STOP. STOP. I said. I cant. I can't. I was super lucky to have the nicest guy on the planet for my therapist then. He was wise and said don't push this. So I didn't.

He left private practice to start a heroin rehab clinic and since I wasn't poor or homeless or incarcerated I didn't qualify for the treatments at his facility. So with that parting of the ways, I was very happy to leave well enough alone and take what goodness I had gotten from him. I felt happy, calm, many friends, wonderful community. But 23 years later with my kids now adults, my work a holism caught up with me. Without the constant work to avoid it-- KA BOOM- full on movie-like flashbacks invaded my life. My business suffered. My life suffered. I had to deal with the giant-sized mocking face and I knew what it represented.

So to answer the question if anyone has recovered from PTSd, I honestly thought I had. I really think I will in the near future because many of the questions on the diagnostic tool I have improved! For example: I can sleep at night. My children don't believe it because it seemed I never, ever slept. Just for a few minutes and then I would startle away. I can now actually CRY. Actual tears and sobs can come out of me. Amazing. S/I is way down. I still feel like a failure though. I have more to do and this time I'm not avoiding. I'm not to the point of self-compassion, and a lot of stuff happened in my therapy that rocked even my faith. It hasn't been easy.

But now I know I'm dealing with masochism. It's long term, pervasive masochism. I haven't found the direction out of it yet. Lots of fear and obstacles. I'm riding a bike on sand when there is a road--perfect description. I need to find the road.

I'm telling people now when my feelings are hurt and they are losing their ever loving minds because I'm expressing hurt. I'm setting boundaries and people are so offended, how dare I not give up everything at any drop of the hat to take care of them. I don't know how to recieve, yet. I just had a major loss in my life with the death of my mother in law--a positive person in my life. My tempation is to tell people I'm fine, I don't need anything. But the truth is I'm not fine, and should not have to be fine. I deserve support and I don't know how to receive it. When I ask for it, I feel like harming myself-how dare I express a need or want. I have a long way to go.
But thanks for all your posts they do nudge me in the right direction or make me "think."

 

[grit]

@hithere
It is amazing that every single post you made that I read left me with a connection and recognition with you. Thank you for the kind words. They resonate with you because you felt them before... The words and feelings evoked are familiar feeling in you. I spent most of adult life looking for love.
As a child I was a good writer but was beaten out of it because I wrote the truth of my environment. Ironic!
I really appreciate your feedback. I am studying to become a therapist but due to my own recovery process I have my own challenge to the western therapy. I am confident the orthodox of therapy is not allowing new ways but I am determined to learn the robes and see the gaps for evolving the process. In therapy school, we are told often you do not share this part with clients... My question is why not? To me that is one reason therapy takes too long we are not utilizing the full person... Just mostly one side.
Again thank you for the confidence. I feel your love in my belly and I wish you find your strength and resilience again.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok, so I’m guessing that you are in the minority who has “cptsd” but not ptsd. I say this as your replies to me have never been from a place of understanding ptsd, as someone else who sees it from the inside. Those of us who have ptsd and not just cptsd know that it isn’t a matter of making yourself vulnerable and voila, you’re cured. Ptsd is made up of involuntary reactions that cannot be cured by merely becoming vulnerable. Maybe cptsd can be cured in that way, but I wouldn’t know because my diagnosis is ptsd.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, so I’m guessing that you are in the minority who has “cptsd” but not ptsd

You have to meet the diagnosis criteria for PTSD in order to have CPTSD.

 

[Gs172003]

Ok, so I’m guessing that you are in the minority who has “cptsd” but not ptsd. I say this as your replies to me have never been from a place of understanding ptsd, as someone else who sees it from the inside. Those of us who have ptsd and not just cptsd know that it isn’t a matter of making yourself vulnerable and voila, you’re cured. Ptsd is made up of involuntary reactions that cannot be cured by merely becoming vulnerable. Maybe cptsd can be cured in that way, but I wouldn’t know because my diagnosis is ptsd.

Are you in the mental health field? If so are you qualified to diagnose?

I see you on here alot telling people they don't have PTSD. Just because their experience is not exactly the same as yours doesn't mean they don't have it. Unless you have a degree in the field maybe you should stop telling people they don't have something you're not qualified to say.
If you don't believe somebody has it can you just scroll past it and move on??

 

[Gs172003]

Hi everyone,
I deactivated for couple days because I had an amazing development in my life since last weekend. But I also want to be respectful, mindful and sensitive since we all struggled and suffered enough as it is.

I deactivated because I have shifted in a fundamental way since I had that extremely high frustration anxiety for two full days over the weekend. After I soothed and released the tension, a chakra (or whatever - I do not know) has opened and every word, every expression, every feeling and every thought has changed in me in a way that I honestly cannot put all into words!
It is like I went to bed and woke up as a different person. I am brave and probably over the top to say this: I am no longer under the spell of complex PTSD.
Am I 100% recovered? Today I will say yes and I am very confident that I have gained a valuable and easy to articulate way of looking at myself. @piratelady said something about she wanted to be vulnerable in therapy and those words just sent me to a journey of change so profound and so ever lasting that I will be forever grateful to her and @hithere and many of you in this community.

The vulnerability comment took me far BECAUSE I have been extremely vulnerable like a child all my life. I wrote a post where people at work always stole my ideas all my life. That was because I was like a child like vulnerable in every situation as not to rock the boat, and was operating from emotional level and like I was seriously toward my mother. Please love me and see how good I am to give you this information please be my friend (all unconscious operating) and then that person/people steal my ideas and I always ended up quitting cause I was not good enough. THAT WAS PTSD VULNERABILITY that I was not aware of.
I wanted to be so much UNLIKE my mother - crazy, unreasonable, hostile, violent and bitch that I would look and act like bitch but my unconscious was that little child still wanting approval, needy, sad, depressed and was treating every body- even giving advice here all the time - I have something just look at me.

I operated this way as an adult and did not know any other way until now. We are all broken in some ways and the problem is not what is broken but do you know what is broken and what unbroken part may look like?My deep vulnerability worked for me to have great marriage where I am acting like a child in a safe space. I watched and defended, and protected my boundaries physically but did not know there is psychological way of protecting. I am a grown up ass woman with a career, marriage, second career in school and yet I did not know how to protect my boundary without avoidance physically. Avoiding those people, places or situations where my boundary will be crossed and interestingly enough, still I was intruded upon constantly. Always thinking about others and what they say and did and do and how to plan my way out of that or this or argue with them in my head or try to find their weakness so I can be nicer to them....TOO MUCH WORK no wonder I was exhausted, helpless, powerless and super afraid of being laughed at, taken advantage of or abandoned - not belong.

I was not depressed or suffer from general anxiety. I had no access to my right brain and left brain at the same time. I dissociated often in therapy because my right brain takes over and my left goes dead/dark except speaking gibberish or explaining what I thought the right brain was doing.

I am happy to say that today my right brain and left brain are aligned. I have a long journey ahead of me. I see how vulnerable I have been and I will not change that obviously but that vulnerability has my left brain to watch over her and soothe her when in pain.
I am seeing the world with the eyes of my childhood afraid, terrified and absolutely distrustful of others BUT i have my adult side/left sid that sees that clearly today and I can say without a doubt, I am safe. I am small. I am that child inside who needs others, who needs love who wants to be seen and heard but I am the biggest audience for that child too. I am both. The child who is needy and the woman who takes care of herself. I am the child who wants to serve and show others I am important and I am the one validating that. I can see it and feel it, and embodied today that it is hard to put into words.

Because both of my brain are in unison, I am not exhausted, helpless, afraid to learn a new thing until I am relaxed and I am so focused, concentrated and yet in the moment and here and now. I have a fog lifted but yet not really it is just cleared where the fog is and what I can do with it.

I can 100% allow you inside of my mind or not today - at this moment so there is no fear. My biggest fear was you will get into my mind and f*ck me over. Who else in the world can think like that? An abused child that thinks mom or dad or the abuser is also god.

I love you guys. I learn a lot from you. You have been an instrumental tool in my recovery. I am extremely grateful, always compassion to my inner child even before knowing this or feeling this or seeing this side of me. My hope was I will be kind to myself and now today I am kind to all of you who has been intruded upon, psychologically impugned, and violated. I hope from the bottom of my heart you find your own way and find the peace we all want.

When I deactivated my thoughts and feelings were that since I do not feel I have PTSD I no longer belong here. Again the word belong! this is what crack the core.
But in reality is I deactivated out of fear and superiority of I do not want to harm others by speaking about shedding the chains of PTSD. Fear and superiority are feelings of my childhood so I could see fear and I could survive if I felt I am superior and have invinsible powers. And I do not.
I am very slow to engage both my brain sides simultaneously but I feel everything 10Xmore. I am quicker to comeback. I am extremely spontaneous adn relaxed with my emotion because I can see deeply where it is in my psychic.
It is like all of sudden, I have my real child side infront of me and I can see where to drive her when she needs me. I am denying her feelings and actually I am wanting and welcoming her feelings and drive them safely where I need them.

It is fascinating. there is a hope. I have not met anyone who has recovered from PTSD but if you have please chime in. Even though I am saying I am recovered from PTSD - this is I have found the door to my most inner being but I am not yet expert in the arena. I have the energy though and I am not exhausted.

I just wanted to share this with you as I may not be online as much anymore. I am not looking outside as much inside and enjoying my own thoughts and feelings where before I was driven to need external input to feel alive!

love you and wishing you all the best in your pursuit of peaceful recovery.
if you have specific questions, I will answer them. Otherwise, I will be back periodically here.

Love and Peace.

I hope you are truly ok. Best of luck to you