There Is No End.

[frozen]

It became crystal clear to me that there is no end. I will always be at fault and blamed for what someone else did.

I will be put down, critisized, bullied and made to feel guilty for all of it.

So there is no end to the trauma because one just caused more, and that causes more and that leaves no hope whatsoever that healing could ever happen for people in my situation.

I understand now why the suicide rate is reported so high in "my group' of CPTSD victims.

So how do you want to live knowing that all there is, is more to come? How?

 

[just me here]

because when I think about the act of suicide I think about the whole thing. I think about my daughters, I think about my wife and the world she would be facing without me, I think about my son, my coworkers, my neighbors, my dogs, the EMT that would have to pronounce me and the sad job of loading a body, I think about the shame that would be fealt by the people that might think they could have helped me but didn't, I even think about how the event would cause such turmoil around here that the garden would probably die before anyone thought to water it and how turning the valve that I have turned so many times would be a horrible thing for someone else to have to do in my absence as opposed to the pleasure that irrigating my garden gives me.

I refuse to let the thought of suicide just meander through my mind like a theif casing the place getting ready for the day of the crime. I confront it, I take full measure of it, I weigh it and compare it to what I hope I can get my life to be if I work at it.

You are right, all there is is more to come. And you will get past it a days worth at a time. We all do, some of us just get worse stuff than others but we all get our stuff and we all get past it even if all we do is sit and stare out a window or read a book or watch television, we get past it.

Right now it is 1 AM and I just woke up to my regular anxiety wake up complete with adrenaline and high heart rate and a feeling like I cannot possibly get through another day, but instead of lieing in bed marinating in it I am up and typing away on this laptop instead.

Good thoughts are going your way, I hope they are getting there and doing some good.

 

[frozen]

Thank you for responding.

I don't have those things that you mentioned to "worry" about though.

I don't think of the act of suicide, I only think of not waking up. Going naturally.
I wish for it, pray for it, and don't know that I will ever feel as though I will truly want to be here.

I wish for my son and daughter, who seem to fully understand what has happened to us, to be free of the mom who can't be there for them anymore, that they could move on instead of being stuck here waiting for me to heal and back to the things we used to enjoy, when in reality, they know that won't ever happen.
It is not fair to them.

If I could just find something to grasp onto that made one tiny ounce of sense in any of this....:(

 

[just me here]

Keep reaching, keep reaching. Something will be there for you to grasp. And I think you do have things in your life that are like the things I have in mine. I think we all do, I think we all would leave behind a large hole in the hearts of the people around us.

As an EMT I was trained to treat EVERYONE at the scene of an accident as a victim of that accident. Mostly that just meant being kind as I asked people politely to respect the privacy of a true victim and move along instead of growling at someone that may be dealing with the shock of seeing a badly injured person in real life for the first time. It was just good policy.

No one in your life, including me now, would be unnaffected by the loss of you among us. Everyone you know would be a victim of your suicide. You have family and they have you. Make the best of it, even if it only comes in fits and spurts, it is better than making the worst of it and making it permanent.

 

[frozen]

Even though I don't feel as though I have anything to hold onto, your words help. Thank you.

I have very, very few people in my life, I am pretty much housebound, no friends etc.
But, I have four children, two of which I think would be relieved, but the other two just devastated, they haven't left me once, and would never get past it if I left them, they are my anchors to life.

I think maybe it's time to lay down and let the tears out, and thank God for giving me them kids, and a past that has allowed for me to know something bigger is out there, bigger and badder than all abusers put together.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I wish for my son and daughter, who seem to fully understand what has happened to us, to be free of the mom who can't be there for them anymore, that they could move on instead of being stuck here waiting for me to heal and back to the things we used to enjoy, when in reality, they know that won't ever happen.
It is not fair to them.

I hear your pain Frozen and I can relate because I had an abusive husband for 25 years who I think of a sociopath and I have 3 young kids and an eldest daughter who is daddy's girl.

You are your children's mother and you are there for them no matter what. They would be devastated to lose you. They are not thinking of you as being stuck wating to heal back to the things they used to enjoy or thinking it won't ever happen. They just see their mother suffering. They do not want to be free of you.

Don't think about the things you used to enjoy or the life you used to have. Things have moved on from that. You have survived a terrible ordeal. You are still here.

One thing at a time. One little thing at a time. Sitting with them watching a favourite movie, you are there for them. Cuddling them, making them pancakes. Reading them a story. There are small things that make a difference. You are there for them you are their mother.

 

[Hashi]

It became crystal clear to me that there is no end. I will always be at fault and blamed for what someone else did.

I will be put down, critisized, bullied and made to feel guilty for all of it.

So there is no end to the trauma because one just caused more, and that causes more and that leaves no hope whatsoever that healing could ever happen for people in my situation.

I have to very gently challenge you on what you say here. Not because I think there's anything wrong or bad about you for saying this - there isn't - but because it's clearly causing you so much pain.

You've said this as a fact, but it's a belief. Beliefs can change.

I don't know your situation, and I'm certainly not minimising it. But I believe healing's possible for all of us, whatever we've experienced. Trauma can lead to more trauma, but that cycle can be stopped.

I wish for my son and daughter, who seem to fully understand what has happened to us, to be free of the mom who can't be there for them anymore, that they could move on instead of being stuck here waiting for me to heal and back to the things we used to enjoy, when in reality, they know that won't ever happen.
It is not fair to them.

Again very gently, I would say that only your son and daughter can say what they understand, what they want, what they know and what they think would be fair. And all those things might change tomorrow or the next day. I think the thoughts you have about this are understandable, and they must be causing you great pain, but they are not facts.

I agree with Lizio that things have moved on from the life you had before. Healing isn't about getting back to the past as if nothing had happened. It's about building something new. And when we've experienced multiple traumas, a small thing makes a big difference.

I know healing can be really, really difficult but it's all we have. And we do have it. It is possible. Please allow yourself that possibility. Despite what you've said here, you're future isn't already written at all.