These Are The Days I Hate

[Friday]

With ya, Griz. Cept about Halloween. But In retrospect, should have put my foot down about the dis de los muertos makeup this weekend, though I usually love it. Still hanging on, but it's not a stress cup, it's a stress fountain right now. Too many things coming all at once. f*cking grateful for the roller coaster, right now, cause it's like coming up for air. Huh. Probably a first, being grateful for the effing yo-yo, roller coaster, mood swings. Shit morning, awesome chill afternoon, puking all night. In tears tired. Ears won't stop ringing. Just moving from bright point to bright point at the moment. S'all that's getting me through, right now. Coming up for air as often as possible. It f*cking gets better, dammit. I know this. Get through it, and it gets better. Just gotta keep moving.

 

[atilla]

Yep...Life saver

 

[Grizzly]

I was fortunate to have a long talk with my 90 YO grandmother last night. Seems like she is the only one who has ever understood my the best. I asked her why. She told me. She met my grandpa before he signed up for WWII. They in her terms "courted".

He was sent to the pacific where he was a tail gunner in the air corps. Appaently that job didnt suit him so he was made an MP. Apparently he saw some bad fighting in the Phillipines and other pacific islands.

Apparently he was in a hospital in San Francisco for a year for combat exhaustion before being mustered out. They got married and made their own history together.

Grandma explained that she saw me going through the same things my grandpa did growing up. She said i could have been his twin. Apparently he remarked to her one time about my PTSD before I even knew it. He was my biggest advocate for going to the VA.

Grandpa and I connected better than anyone in my life. I think I know why. But hearing these stories somewhat put me at ease. Gave me hope somehow. To be able to see someone who I admired and looked up to be able to relate to. I always considered myself weak for having these problems. Knowing grandpa had dealt with the beast also somehow gives me hope in a way.

I suppose expecting my wife to understand is futile. Civilians haven't a clue what warriors do when really on the clock. Civilians really don't care either. I have an idea on why But I'm still exploring that.

 

[atilla]

Well, i've been told that even if you feel better(the beast is keeping quiet),it's still there. Halloween night I put the uniform on, my tact. vest, and weapon as a costume. It's a lot more than that. It felt good to gear up again. It also brought back memories...good and bad.. The bad showed up as nightmares, and my wife having to talk me down after waking me up from one. A violent one. This past week has been a horribly stressful and sad one. A dear friend of mine lost her Brother, a 2-tour OEF combat vet, No one got a chance to even try to help him, that always hits me hard when we loose one of our own, and I lost my uncle, who was more of a dad to me than my real dad. My wife and son has been there for me, but I feel as f*cked up as a football bat. Stressed out big time. Trying to keep my head above water. Guess i'll be headed to the va this week, have to do something before I hurt someone in my family. It's sad, but apparent, putting on the uniform, and gearing up, isn't good for me unless i'm back in the shit, no good at home around people I care about.

 

[Grizzly]

Sorry about your uncle and friends brother. Losing anyone in your life is always difficult. Hope you can get it sorted out. PM me if you need a talk. Not that I'm a great help.

 

[atilla]

You are more help than you know Brother, thanks.

 

[holdenmonty]

Today just sucks. I have physically been at work all day but I feel like my brain has actually left my head and is still enjoying the weekend. I can't think, I can't focus, I can't remember. It takes all I have to attempt to do work and make it look like I'm busy. I can't wait to get home get out of my uniform and have a beer.

 

[atilla]

I feel that way too at work often. What ive learned is to fight through it. Discipline bro. Sometimes you have to get in that mode of accomplishing the mission, no matter in an office or out in the field. We all still have discipline running through our veins Brother, always will.:)

 

[holdenmonty]

That is very true atilla I did notice something the other day that when I had to get something done I told myself that it is my mission to get it done and it made it a lot easier to motivate myself to get done. Even though it was washing all the cloths on Saturday but it works the same way while at work.

 

[holdenmonty]

I was just thinking about the days that I hate and I remember hearing something that left an impact on me. It's easy to die for somebody but it's hard to live for them. It's so true to because I would easily lay down my life for anybody that I care about but living for them is much tougher when I'm having a rough day

 

[holdenmonty]

So I pretty much hated the whole month of November. Started to catch a cold before my wife and boys went to visit my wife's family for the month of November and being alone was really weird and tough. The beast really got to me a lot because there wasn't really anything to distract myself and it was like a month long battle almost. But I made a friend through the wounded warrior project and once I went up and meet up with them and had two weeks of leave to visit with her family for a week and then visit my family for a week was much needed. I am also feeling better now then I have the past year or so. So that is a really good thing but I still have this congestion in my nose and head and my doc said I'm doing all I can do with blowing my nose and trying to clear myself out and that there isn't anything else they can do.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Good to hear from you Holden. Been asking after you cos you've been offline for a while.
Echinacea seems to be good against colds. We also use elderberry concoctions.