Things Are Going So Well, So Why?

[desiderata310]

I actually have a great deal to be very happy and excited about. Rory (inspite of me) is training up well, my therapist thinks I've progressed a great deal. But I a still trying to claw out of this place in my head.

Last night ALL I could think of was suicide. It was all I could do to keep from cutting. I crawled in bed early, and just laid there. Not even interested in crying. Just trying to keep breathing.

I keep telling myself it's been too much in the last few weeks and I'm just rebounding a bit but that doesn't sound right. I'm stronger than that, right? I USED to be.

Saturday I had work emergency that I was trying to sort out by phone while Rory and I were out on a mission to get a new set of headphones and a cup of coffee. Pretty simple. By the time I had made the 3 block loop, purchased both the headphones, the coffee, and fielded a flurry of text and phone calls, and dealt with Rory not being quite up to the task, I was in tears. I managed to get back over to a quiet street, sat down and tried to just collect myself (I was triggered and heart was going 90 to nothing) and calm Rory who was jacked up and excited about everything. My THERAPIST happened to drive by and came back over to see the two of us. Not exactly my finest moment. I was bawling, trying to control a dog, getting more texts about the work emergency. I looked at my therapist and wailed: I JUST WANTED A CUP OF COFFEE!

Why can't I do this anymore?

I know those are two seperate things but they are related. I am still angry I can't DO the things I used to do. I can't DEAL with things I used to deal with. In the past, none of that would have annoyed me: crazy crap with work, crazy dog, busy street, crazy kids yelling out a truck at me. None of that (even combined) would have illicited the reaction I had or made me have to try to fight through a flashback but now, ONE of those things makes me fall apart and all of them leaves me a blubbering mess??

I eventually made it back to my car, met up with the trainer and bawled unabashedly for a good half hour with her and for over an hour once I got home. *sigh*

I'm sitting here in bed, trying to WILL myself to go to work. The desire to cut, to give up... it's really strong right now. Saying it's the PTSD? OH COME ON!

 

[scout86]

Things might be going well, but there's STILL a lot going on all at once, from the sound of it. (BTW, next time you worry that your T will think you're stalking him, when you ride past his office, ask yourself what are the odds that he'd happen to show up at just that moment. Not that I think he's stalking you. Just that there are a LOT of weird coincidences in the world.)

Why can't I do this anymore?

Compared to what point in the past? Pre-PTSD? Or just pre- working on dealing with things? I've noticed, myself, although I've probably HAD PTSD most of my life, up until the past couple years, all my energy was directed towards surviving which meant not dealing with a LOT of things (particularly "feelings":) Every now and then, I stop and think "This stuff used to be easier when I was just not paying any attention to it." And, I think it WAS. Which makes me wonder why I'm doing this. (Therapy etc) Rumor has it there IS a point and it's worth the effort and the stress, once you get out the other side. I hope that's true, because I'm going to be really PO'd if I find out that it's not!

I'd just offer, as a suggestion, that there are a couple of reasons this is harder now. PTSD has your system continually "ON". and you're paying attention to stuff in a different way. All at the same time. Tough combination! (But probably part of the process.)

Rory (inspite of me) is training up well,

I highly doubt it's "in spite of you"!

 

[shimmerz]

I am still angry I can't DO the things I used to do.

I spent years doing this. 'I used to....' , 'back in the day I could have'. Didn't get me anywhere. I know if someone had said this to me when I was in that stage I would have plowed them in the face (so I am ducking) :woot: I wouldn't have believed it. I hate to use this cliche, but hindsight is 20/20. This life and your renewed health will start to feel like life. And you may be surprised at how much more you like yourself.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I get the urge to cut. When, like you, it sends me under the covers just hoping for relief. The great news is that you didn't cut, you articulated your feeling state very clearly. I'd call that huge progress!!!

I kept my PTSD under wraps for years. Super worker, super mom, active, most disappointments rolled off my back.

Fast forward to my nervous breakdown and boy I just don't have the strength to accomplish things. I try to take time each day for yoga and breathing meditation. It helps me not cut, but nothing will lead me to believe that I will ever get the old me back. I just am trying to rebuild a new happier version of myself. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. These things are uninvited.

 

[The Albatross]

Habitual or behavioral thinking pattern?

 

[Friday]

I actually have a great deal to be very happy and excited about. Rory (inspite of me) is training up well, my therapist thinks I've progressed a great deal. But I a still trying to claw out of this place in my head.
// Saying it's the PTSD? OH COME ON!

Lol. Sweets, it's the PTSD. :) It's still there. Doesn't go away just because you have some fun stress in your life at the moment, too, instead of just bad stress. Good stress fills the cup, as well. And yours has been overflowing for awhile. If you don't believe me go look at the diagram. The Ptsd Cup Explanation.

Be gentle on yourself. Through hard times and good.

Same kind of self-care is needed during hard stress & good stress.

 

[desiderata310]

@The Albatross I honestly don't know!

 

[desiderata310]

*shrug*
I sent my post to my therapist.
We had a long talk about ... fate... anticipation of the 'other shoe'
I might have tried to change the subject.... he wound up dragging me back.

His thought is that I just don't trust when good things happen. well.. no. I don't. Never have, never will.
He pointed to my marriage that ended in abuse. That I had such high hopes. well.. not without some reservations. Not without some trepidation.
I was right.

I tempted Fate and Fate got pissed off. He plays dirty with weighted dice.
Fate has slapped me around and teased me once too often for me to trust that things are going to turn out ok.
I EXPECT that the dog will wash out.
I EXPECT that I will lose my job. The last time I had trouble holding it together, I DID lose my job. I DID wind up in a locked psych unit.
I EXPECT that my ex will try to kill me still.
I EXPECT... the universe to wait till I have my guard down to smash me hard. It's safer than thinking that good things will happen.

I EXPECT it because that is what has happened EVERY TIME I have let myself believe that things MIGHT just be ok. It MIGHT just be something good happening. I start to very quietly celebrate that something good has happened and relax, just a tiny bit and it gets taken away.

I don't have the wherewithal to get back up again if that happens.

I don't know.
I DON'T!
Call it what you will but that's what's happened in the past. What do I have to really hope in?

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Think I'd re-examine "I don't trust when good things happen, never have, never will". That looks like a pretty gloomy proposition if I ever heard one.

 

[The Albatross]

You sound a lot like me... prepare for the worst and if you get better than that it's a "bonus". I still tend to low ball expectations but have eased up on some of the other things. That's were some peace and calm come from. Don't sell yourself a life that looks that way, you deserve better than that... especially some peace and calm?

Am I little Miss Mary Sunshine? Eh nope, but hope and a bit of optimism is reachable at times... much more than before. Dispute the thoughts? Or do a CBA? Cost benefit analysis.

 

[shimmerz]

I am going through this right now. Seriously, everything is going wrong. Every freaking thing. 40 times a day. I shake my fist at the universe as @Recovery4Me so aptly put it. I have cried on the phone, balled my eyes out all yesterday because I don't know what made me such a horrible person that the universe seems to be playing with me like a cat plays with a mouse. *heavy sigh*. Thing is, as painful and heartbreaking as this hope is that things will get better, (and there is nothing to indicate that it ever will), even though I swear I am doing the best I can and keep getting cut down mercilessly, I feel like I have to keep looking, because if it happens one day and I don't see it because I refuse to believe in it, then I feel like it is my own doing for not appreciating. Polly Anna, I know.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@shimmerz and everyone :hug::hug:

Never give up!