Things Just Not Going as Hoped!

[Deleted member 93]

I hope this finds everyone doing well. Or at least in an upswing of the roller coaster. Sorry I haven't been here to support, but I have been feeling like I can't even help myself right now.

I just have been, pissed, guilty, and at a general loss all week. I was trying to do as the CBT guy said and "share" with my husband. That is backfiring big time. We have been through so much together and he has always been so supportive. I know so much has fallen on him me going through withdrawals. I get that and he has been helping me through it. But when I started trying to open up and make it clear just listen, don't try to fix it, it just seems more than he can handle. He is getting a short fuse with me which turns into a nasty cycle FAST since I am not the sweetest thing in the world. Every time I turn around I was getting my head bit off because it is stressing him even more hearing things that go through my head. :dontknow:

I was so happy that I forced myself up and out to mow. Unfortuantly when I did mow the jungle of a "back yard" I ended up with a cotton mouth in the house. He had taken off work that day to get kids shots for school and I lost the snake. So he ended up having to put the beds back together and dressers as I took the kids to another house to let him kill the poisonous critter. He had his hands full and a laundry list of things he said he wanted to get done. I told him sorry and thanks for all of it. But the next day I had called him and just asked did you get a chance to drop off our daughter's school book while he was in town? He just jumped all over me about all the crap he did that day and did I even notice??? YES I did, I said thank you and appreciated it and hung up on him. I always try to make sure I do. I was just so pissed beyond belief.

Every day this past week we have been short and I have clammed back up. In turn attacks are getting stronger again because I am too worried at pissing him off and me blowing a fuse in return. I bite my tounge so I get an attack, last night was a good attack and almost lost control of it. I was actually feeling better getting the crap off my chest and out of my head, but if it is going to tear us both up where we fight why do it? It is making it worse. It seemed better when he was just trying to care for me but is not up to being this involved in healing.

I just do not get how before we knew what was happening and I was "going crazy" until the two different doctors put a name to it and set up treatment he was able to cope and be so supportive for so long? Now we know, now I have threapy. I am coming off meds and still improving (except withdrawals). But it seems even when I tell him we know now. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and doesn't he? I have told him we are not fighting blindly anymore, at least I am not. The meds are almost gone and I am learning to cope.

I am supposed to try and cut down to 3.5 mg xanax today. I try to tell him I don't like getting sick as a dog, I don't like withdrawals but I am so close to this drug route ending coming from 9 - 10mg. It is like I am not doing it fast enough for him. I can't make him understand it is just as painful every step down for me, it does not get easier as I go, he seems to think it should be.
As school is about to start and he sees I may not be able to care for my toddler without help he seems to even get more upset. This is not helping me. I go to the CBT again today to give me the proper ways to let anger out but I am thinking we will be more on this topic instead since it is not working.

Any advice on this guys? I really need it.

He is (and I too) pissed off at my teen daughter, she was at her aunt's visiting and is acting like a rude ass. She was even rude to a nun! A NUN! So I should be at a peak of withdrawal symptoms Saturday and PMS so I know I will be a "nice passenger" when I go get her a 6 hour one way drive... And my daughter is probably going to run when I tear into her. I don't have to be PTSD to rip her a new ass being rude to a nun. Dropping off the teen son and my toddler the 8 yo stays. Then go back the following weekend to pick them back up. At least those 2 will behave.

 

[kimG]

Hi Veiled,

Wow, your day sounds like some I've had with my husband. It's not easy and I completely understand your frustrations.

Has your husband ever read any of the posts on this board? He might get a lot out of reading some of them, especially the ones from the spouses. I know my husband has a greater understanding of me now that he's read and posted questions. Perhaps that would help your husband? Also, I'm sure my husband would not mind talking to your husband (via email) about his feelings when I am in my "moods" (there I go again - volunteering my husband for something!:smile: ).

Take care. Step back and breathe. It will get better...

Kim

 

[Deleted member 93]

Thanks Kim, an understanding ear helps. We both went in together for this session. The therapist told him to respond differently. To try and respond empathetically. He seemed confused and he told him I was exposed to so much violence that him responding the way he was was not going to help me, but scare me and when I get scared I react badly, then I hold it in again and just get worse.

He did tell us it was normal for my husband to want to kill for what I was put through but I can't hear it. Want it, be mad but don't put it out there in a way to effect me. He basically said I need to get it out and I need his feed back. When he still wasn't getting it IMO I told him basically don't get brutish, you have to get in to all that touchy feely talk. CBT guy did not correct me so I guess that was it.

Basically it seemed to me he told him to handle me and the trauma he is learning more about gently and with tenderness. He may want to have out burst but not to. I felt bad for him as on one hand I am supposed to get this all out but on the other it seems like he did not my husband to respond with the rage he felt as a result. Like he is being told hold it in while I lay it all out. Does not seem fair. My husband is a man's man and not touchy feely when it gets to emotional things, nor am I normally. We are both royal smart asses and a terrible twisted sense of humor so this is new territory for us both.

He also, has trying to open up as homework again along with all my fears as I have them. He thinks or should say knows my fears are irrational so I have to keep another journal. Not quite ready to deal with my lashing out, or this is his way of helping me stop.

Decided with PMS and a migraine that comes with I am not stepping down this week. I can't be the only female that hormones make panic attacks so much worse. :drugs: at least for now.

He knows I have a board I found and told him there was a spouse support section, so he knows. Just has no intrest at this time I guess. I will talk to him about it again, but right now it feels like one of my "safe places" and don't want it all out there for him, make sense?

Again thanks. My head is pounding so I need to go... I will try to catch up when my head is better.

 

[anthony]

Hey veiled, I understand what your going through, as I and Kerrie went through it ourselves, and we nearly killed each other in the process for sure, figuratively speaking that is. We are sure both neighbours moved out when at our peak, as we had no neighbours for over six months, both sides, most likely because of our fighting at that point.

I am not sure whether your husband is ready to hear your trauma just yet, so not sure what the therapist is doing on that angle. It is you that needs to get it out of you, but not necessarily inflict it upon your husband at the same time. I say this, because he wouldn't know how to cope with it. You got PTSD from it, what do you expect him to get from it? Angry, irritable... it would be like living it himself, because he loves and cares about you... see where I am going with this.

If your counsellor thinks it is the way forward, then definately follow that advice, but possibly chat with them about the effect of getting your trauma out, is having on your husband if he is on the receiving end. I would think that your trauma needs to come out of you, to your counsellor, not to your husband, and especially if he is not ready for it.

He knows you have trauma, but obviously not to the exact degree of the incident... hence having to hear it lately, would send him wild, as he doesn't know what to do with the information, just as you didn't know what to do with the trauma... he is now experiencing the trauma also by default.

Something to think about... and possibly discuss with your counsellor IMHO.