Things only get worse, never better.

[Paladin_141]

I served in the British Army long ago. I'm active duty with a different army now.

 

[Survivor3]

I served in the British Army long ago. I'm active duty with a different army now.

Ok, thanks for your service.

 

[Paladin_141]

I am sitting in a house full of firearms, explosives and blades but I keep...there's a length of rope in one of my bags. It's been there for over a year. It's been...um...used...a few times, but never successfully. Obviously.

I desperately want to go back to a life that no longer exists. I will never be free of this. I know there's no point bothering with the rope- realistically I have at most a couple of weeks to live anyway- but it still seems like the best option, sometimes.

 

[Rose White]

Sounds really rough. From what you’ve shared it’s hard to imagine how you wouldn’t feel that way. I’m sorry you are in the grinder. Was glad to hear about your new friend the drone pilot. Sometimes when good things happen it makes it all the worse to go back to the shitty stuff.

 

[Paladin_141]

I chose to be here. I knew what I was getting into, but it was the right thing to do. My last chance to make the world less awful, and get some value out of my otherwise pointless existence.

I'm not scared. That's not the right word. I'm incredibly sad about all the things I love that I will never see again, most of all my children.

I haven't made a suicide attempt since I came here. I made several last year, back home. The only thing that stopped me was loneliness; after a life of such miserable isolation, I couldn't bear to be alone at the end. Here, though, I won’t have to be.

I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to say these things. Three of my friends are badly hurt and one is dead. My best friend at home is suicidally depressed and I cannot help her. With the homesickness and just...everything...it's all getting a bit much.

 

[Rose White]

Yeah it sounds like it would be too much for anyone facing all that. The whole thing is unfortunate and sad. It’s odd to me that so many of us feel united in that—the tragedy of existence and inability to support others the way we wish we could, much less ourselves. You’re in a literal battle yet having the same kind of existential battle that so many of us are having too. I understand a bit of why it’s so widespread but I’m at a loss sometimes of how to deal with it.

 

[Paladin_141]

Well, the adrenaline of the last few days has worn off and I'm sitting here, freezing my arse off and regretting everything.

Why was I so determined to stay alive?

This whole mess just proves that nothing ever works out for me. No matter how much effort I put in, everything fails. I should have stayed where I was, but I just wanted to see my kids again.

f*ck. I'm such a fool.

 

[gorgonzola]

I'm going to advocate here for kids having the chance to see their paladin parent again.

 

[Paladin_141]

I don't know. They seem to be happier without me. Can't blame them.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't know. They seem to be happier without me. Can't blame them.

Idk. My nephew's and nieces chose not to see their dad because his mental health made him abusive. He then killed himself. And I was there with my sister when she told them.

They now carry the scars of it all.

Relationships can be messy. Whilst they might seem happier without you, that may not be the case. You're still their father, whatever happens.

It's so incredibly hard being where you are right now. The fact you are still here shows that there is something worth fighting for.
Can you tap in to that 'something' a bit?

 

[Paladin_141]

The kids are the only something. They're the only good things that have ever happened to me.

 

[Paladin_141]

I found out last night that, while I was over here, my ex-wife told my mother that I was planning to murder her and my dad and that
believed her.

I give up. I will see my kids on Saturday and then I'm cashing in my chips. f*ck all of this.