Things only get worse, never better.

[Paladin_141]

This is just to say goodbye.

Thanks for reading all my deranged crap. Sorry.

P141 out.

 

[Survivor3]

It wasn't deranged. If your checking out then goodbye . Wish you weren't though. Pleasure talking to you. wish you'd stick around.

 

[Paladin_141]

It wasn't deranged. If your checking out then goodbye . Wish you weren't though. Pleasure talking to you. wish you'd stick around.

Knew I should have left my phone behind. I have this compulsion to respond to messages that is not very helpful at a time like this.

It's dawn and I am by the river where I grew up. I grew up right on the bank, nearly. It's part of me, in a way. I had wanted to go into one specific part of the woods for this, but, honestly, I have no car and I'm top damned tired to walk that far.

I feel like I deserved better than this, after everything, maybe that's just my ego.

They'll blame the war. Say I was traumatised by it. Ignore everything the people at home did to me.

They will get away with murder.

But I don't care anymore.

I need to mute my notifications in this thing
Need to focus

 

[Survivor3]

If you change your mind, I'm here to listen and talk but I dont want to disrespect your wishes. I just don't want you to end your life.

 

[Paladin_141]

I wish there were other options. I.mean, there are, but they all involve me being in pain for years.

I don't sleep, you know? I mean, I lie down and things go black for 3 or 4 hours, but I'm sure sleep used to be more than that.

I'm really sleepy now, all of a sudden. I haven't even done anything yet. I'm going to get comfy here while I figure out what going on

 

[Survivor3]

Ok, What are the other options and how do they involve you being in pain for years?

 

[Paladin_141]

Ok, What are the other options and how do they involve you being in pain for years?

Sorry.

Think I nodded off for a bit. Any options that involve hanging around just involve more of the same. Life is just deeply unpleasant and always has been. I have no evidence to suggest that can or will change.

So here I am. Still. For some reason.

 

[Survivor3]

Ok. How are you financially? How long can you stay in the hotel for? Also get to doctors maybe to get meds for your issues.

 

[Survivor3]

Can you also speak to a doctor about what's happening in your life? They might recommend antidepressants/therapy. Because everything is making you very depressed.

 

[Paladin_141]

I spoke to a doctor before. He said 'your life is just shit. That's not a medical issue.'

I'm burning through my life savings at an alarming rate.

Because I've been out the country I have no payslips or proof of address, so I needed my parents to vouch for me to get a place. They wouldn't because the form asked for their bank details.

Now a social worker wants to speak to me and those people are unadulterated evil.

I need to make.thos happen. Why am I such a damned coward? Why did I post on here? I just don't want to be alone when I go, you know? And I know how unfair that would be to the other person, but I've always beem so.lonely and I just want someone to hold my hand for this one last thing

 

[Survivor3]

Yes I understand.

 

[Paladin_141]

See? It makes sense, doesn't it?

I.hate when people say that I'm ill.or not being rational. I'm perfectly sane. Everything in my life is terrible and there's no road that leads to better.

To keep pushing on and hoping for some sort of miraculous change would be irrational