Things only get worse, never better.

[Paladin_141]

I spent yesterday in hospital getting my neck looked at.

I have no idea what will happen today.

 

[Survivor3]

What would you like to do today?

 

[Paladin_141]

My ex-wife sent a text to my mother saying that I dragged the kids down the stairs and screamed in their face.

That was her, not me.

I can't prove that, though.

I sent a screenshot to the court as evidence of her harassing my parents and defaming me.

The police were round today to see if I was still alive. I don't want to be.

My doctor phoned and basically concurred with the hospital that there's nothing they can do, as it simply isn't a medical issue.

I haven't had flashbacks for a decently long time. They are becoming constant, to.the point that, if I let them, they override reality and I find myself back there.

These flashbacks are of happier times, though. I never understood why my brain always flashes back to before the trauma.

I can't even do trauma right.

 

[gorgonzola]

I can't prove that, though.

Yes, you can: the kids are witnesses.

 

[Paladin_141]

I don't know if I can rely on the kids to back me up. They haven't thus far, for whatever reason.

Even the ones who really, really should be on my side are not. I don't understand.

My head is swimming and I feel like I'm falling through space.

 

[Paladin_141]

Yesterday I saw what my dad said about me in a whatsapp message to my wife that she is using as evidence in court.

It's amazing what you learn when you read things people write about you but think you will never see.

So I spent another night in hospital.

At this point I simply have to accept that everyone actually is against me and decide what to do with that.

The headaches and nausea are constant now. On top of the desperation and loneliness they really are making my position untenable.

I have to give the landlord one month's notice. If I survive Christmas, I can be back on the front in February.

I don't know if it's just my current mood or what, but I have a very intense feeling in my gut that I won't make it back from my next tour. I don't particularly care, but I'd have liked to see my children.

 

[Paladin_141]

Phoned the mental health crisis line today in while struggling to not kill myself.
They said they'd have a doctor call me back. He finally called at 0100. Told me to go for a walk and to pretend I was ok.

I despise doctors.