DID Think a new alter has decided to front

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hi there, it has taken me a week to process this but at last, I'm out of denial...I can't deny that a week ago I switched dramatically and without warning - all of sudden, in the middle of a social interaction with my crush at work and colleague - bam! I remember thinking what a nice man he is and then suddenly have complete amnesia until I came to, hallucinating and scared in the hall - I must have excused myself, the hall appeared miles long and people's bodies were distorted, I couldn't write my name in the signing in book
According to my colleague I spoke to her and to my crush but I have no memory of the conversation - I am very worried about how I appeared or what I did, I must have " switched " in front of my crush, I hope he didn't see anything! I keep worrying that I looked creepy to him or something or he must have seen the other alter take me over

I have no doubt now that it was a new alter coming to the forefront - I am avoidant and I'd been terrified of seeing this man but pushed myself to do it, I was paranoid that he'd know I fancied him and I felt overwhelmed with fear and nerves - plus I didn't know that he used to work with my colleague and he complimented her on a course she was doing to better herself and asked about her son and it brought up feelings of shame and inferiority that I must have found overwhelming ( I was the family scapegoat growing up )

Anyway to get to the point........ever since that day, since I recovered from the shock of the incident, I've felt lighter than I have for years as if I am not carrying so many problems and neuroses, even my obsessive crush has died down a lot and I feel as if I'm not feeling as overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, paranoia, guilt and shame, I feel like a younger, fresher version of me

I feel as though this alter just burst through and said " enough! " and took the situation over for me, god knows I didn't want to sabotage things with this man, I really like him - but around him I'd been getting very quiet and wallflower-like and I think this new alter is not as timid and decided to come to the front for me to " rescue " the situation, I wanted him to see the best of me

I was so tired of living in guilt and shame and always being timid and feeling inferior to others, hiding my light under a bushel and I do feel as though my system had enough and said " enough!" and this alter came out and I still feel like this alter is with me, I feel more confident, less subdued

When I was younger I had two alters whom I would become at night ( and a male alter ) - one was loud and rebellious, the other was quiet and timid and I think I've been the quiet and timid one for the last few years at least

Lately I've started one to one therapy and group therapy and at first had severe episodes of shame and paranoia, I think perhaps the therapy made this alter come to the front

I'm glad about it though, I haven't felt this good for years! :-)

Did a bit of writing around it and the louder alter came through in my writing saying she was " jealous ", she wanted a chance to see and speak to my crush as well and she didnt want to just stay in the background....

Finally, do you think it is possible he didn't notice or see anything when I was " taken over " and the alter could impersonate the host? I have a feeling that's what happened, he is the kindest man I've met for a long time and I think this alter jumped in to save the day, when the feelings of feeling excluded / inferior came up I think the previous host would have either gone really quiet and hurt or acted out with aggression and we wouldn't have wanted that to happen with him, so hopefully pretended all was normal and we were okay

It's a relief though not to feel as " mousy " anymore, thank you to anyone who might have some comment here, this is the only place I can really talk about it, I've told a few people I disconnected/ blacked out but nothing about alters and hosts yet!

Love, XX

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

do you think it is possible he didn't notice or see anything when I was " taken over " and the alter could impersonate the host?

Yes, I think it's possible that he didn't notice. I am told that when I switch to different alters it is usually hard for people to tell because they still see the physical me and even if I think the switching is obvious, it's often not. Has the crush you refer to acted differently towards you that would make you suspect you did something odd in his eyes? If not, then I wouldn't worry about it too much in that sense.

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Thank you JEKBreatheandBelieve :) this is reassuring, I can only see him at the moment more or less in a professional capacity unless I happen to bump into him so I haven't seen him yet, so it's hard to detect - but the fact that I managed to excuse myself and nobody accompanied me and my colleague didn't say " are you alright " would seem to point to the fact that nothing awful happened
He seemed very sad and down in the presentation afterwards but that probably had nothing to do with me ( he was talking about a serious matter ) - my paranoia will lead me to think things like that though! I tried to do some fishing with my friend and she said " do you know J then? " and also mentioned that we were speaking to J
But she was next to me and he was opposite me, I don't think we'd have let him see anything though, we wouldn't have wanted to sabotage our chances with him....thanks for your reassurance, I guess, it seemed so massive and major to me, I had this image of me literally " altering " before his eyes! I have never switched before and only just remembered I used to have these other parts so it was a huge shock to me! But looking around here I saw that in many cases nobody notices which puts my mind at rest a lot...X

 

[Sideways]

2 things to keep in mind about alters...

First, yes, therapy does tend to encourage them out of the woodwork, so it's normal to "discover" alters during the therapy process, even though they've been there all along.

Second, alters are a coping mechanism that you learned as a child which has survived because of its ability to go undetected. It would have been useless as a coping strategy if it were obvious, and the same applies now. T's who know what to look out for can be good at seeing a switch when it happens, but for the most part, alters usually keep themselves subtle enough that they can remain undetected- that's how they survive.

So while it's very likely that you may have seemed more confident than usual during this meeting, probably the difference wasn't enough that anyone gave much thought to it beyond, perhaps, "mmm, she was more confident today than usual".

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Thank you Ragdoll Circus, this is all new to me, though a few alters have begun to appear in the therapy room which took me by surprise, it is such a relief though to be aware of them at last! I feel lighter definitely
It's so reassuring that yes, they are hidden from plain sight and it makes absolute sense for them to have always been hidden as a coping mechanism, it isn't really crazy at all and I'm starting to feel fascinated by it now actually, I'm starting to feel protective and quite nurturing towards these other parts of me
Great to hear from you again, this place feels like a godsend to me, it's the only place for me where I can really talk about this stuff, apart from to my therapist who remains cool as a cucumber and reliable, no matter what crazy stuff happens within her office, thanks again XX

 

[Sideways]

I would talk to your T about this though - particularly the part about your alter being jealous. Therapy can cause conflict to arise between you and your parts, and it's good to start working on some internal dialogue to keep that conflict under control. Alters that start to feel threatened, or some need to asssert themselves, can start to cause unwanted issues for you.

Nothing to panic about, but worth talking to your T and boning up on your grounding techniques to help you stay in control:)

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Yes I can't wait to see her actually to talk about this stuff, really! I didn't know that the therapy could cause conflict between me and my parts, that's interesting, yes I may try to begin the inner dialogue, writing is really helping at the moment
I know that the louder alter feels a need to assert herself more, at work I've been more assertive - whereas I used to go into shame when I was micro-managed or nitpicked and feel small, now I can easily defend myself and argue back which has been a great improvement for me, but this louder alter also has an attention seeking side to her I think which could cause problems - and yes, I think she could be quite belligerent!
My therapist is already showing me some great grounding techniques and I think with the internal dialogue I'll manage to try and keep control of the alters...
I'm just glad I've realised that I have these parts, it may sound like an exaggeration but to me this is like the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle, it explains so many things
Like the time with an ex when I felt I had disappointed him that I went so deeply into shame that my child alter came up and I couldn't speak to anybody at all anymore, became mute and I had no idea why it had happened at the time....and not being able to focus or concentrate well at times
I think I'll check out some of your threads now, so appreciate your help as a newbie, it's invaluable :-)