I’m not sure where to post this and I’m still trying to come to terms w it. Last Friday I was at a store and I saw someone I used to work with. I didn’t interact with them and I don’t think they saw me however I apparently had some sort of triggered psychotic break where I was hell bent on killing myself. The person I saw was a nice person from where I worked so I was confused. I also didn’t realize I was having this reaction until Tuesday when I met with my therapist. She had called me Monday bc I had expressed serious suicidal ideation and a hopeless goodbye but I don’t remember talking to her and I saw her Tuesday and I barely remember it except for my inner voice screaming at me to die and everyone wants me dead which is unusual bc it usually just says “you should die” not “_____wants you dead”. I told her I was going to die on Saturday (yesterday) and I refused to go to my psychiatrist appt bc I was getting paranoid. Tuesday night I was so convinced I had to die and then I hit a point where I pulled myself out of it, I’m not sure how or why. I still feel messed up. And it bothers me how much I don’t remember. I saw my therapist Thursday and she asked if I remembered certain things I said and I said no. She said ok I can’t work w you when you’re like that then bc it’s not effective. I guess it makes sense. I just don’t remember so much of it. And now I’m terrified to be triggered by anything. I still have to go to court for my lawsuits and will likely see people from my old job there. I mean what’s the plan for that? Do I just Skype in from the hospital or will they have an ambulance on standby?
I guess the whole thing freaks me out bc I feel like I got hijacked. I’ve dealt w suicidal thoughts and depression before but not to that intensity and I can always remember. How do I stop it from happening again? I guess I also thought I had better control over this so I’m feeling discouraged.
I guess the whole thing freaks me out bc I feel like I got hijacked. I’ve dealt w suicidal thoughts and depression before but not to that intensity and I can always remember. How do I stop it from happening again? I guess I also thought I had better control over this so I’m feeling discouraged.