Thinking Of Confronting My Family...

[Muzikluvr]

I'm considering a new confrontation with my entire family. My dad wrote letters to those involved when I remembered some of the rapes by a bully in the family.

Now, I've remembered why no one protected me from him.

My whole family glosses over it all. They don't talk about it. They accept that they're still "confused" and that they did the best they could. But, some of the family lied. I know who lied. Also, because they lied this bully reached out to another kid in the family and told him how to get away with raping me. That kid tried and failed on me, but may have succeeded on a younger cousin.

The bully also introduced it to my grandma's neighbor, who never tried it. But, my grandma believed that I liked being raped and so told a lot of people in town about "the rape game" her nasty granddaughter was playing. Consequently, some teenagers tried it and succeeded in raping me. One of them raped another girl that way, convincing her dad that she liked it, and I think he raped a younger cousin of mine as well, using me as his defense. Saying that I liked it and he thought those girls would too.

I want to confront my family! I want to tell them what happened, who lied, and how repulsive it is that anyone thought a young girl (7-10years old) would enjoy being raped.

There are some in the family who don't know anything about me telling my parents that I was being raped. They were told that I was lying and manipulating my dad, and to ignore me. I was told to stop embarrassing my dad by talking about (whispered) sex.

My side of the story has never been told. It's too shameful. It would only bring shame to me, my parents, my in-laws, and my children. I should cut all ties and never say a word... right? or wrong?

 

[intothelight]

Muzikluvr,

I am sorry you experienced those things and just totally appalled that anyone could possibly think a child is to blame. Whether or not you share it entirely up to you, but for those you have shared with and decided that you are at fault, I wouldn't hesitate to cut ties. But again that is your decision.

But please remember there is no "shame" on your part, the only shame should be on the head of those that hurt you.

Debbie

 

[Muzikluvr]

It's so painful looking at these people's friend lists and seeing how they are all connecting with each other, while I am terrified of reaching out to any of them. They don't want to hear from me about what happened when we were kids. But, I see one of them holding his daughter who must be around 6 now and I just want to send him a note and ask him what will he allow a boy to do to her if she takes off his clothes for him when he demands it? How long will they punish me for getting used to what was expected and accepted behavior by them? How long do I have to be ashamed?

If a family can, as a whole, ignore a little girl who says "He's raping me", can blame a little girl when a rapist says that she's the one who came up with the rape game, when a grandmother can tell a whole community that her filthy little granddaughter is enjoying rough sex with boys... is it a family and community worth confronting?

If not, WHY CAN'T I GET OVER WANTING THEM TO BELIEVE ME?!?! Is this just a PTSD thing? Is it Obsessive Compulsive? Is it self destructive? I'm still hurt and angry, and I don't know how to get closure.

They have said that we would all be one big happy family if I wasn't excluding myself. But, I haven't confronted them on my memories of telling them what was happening and them not believing me. I have TONS of proof that they knew. It's like they're blaming me all over again! I'm alone and isolated because I choose to be, not because they are SICK people. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I can put this back on them and walk away. And, it's so painful to hold onto it and walk away, as I've been trying to do for the last 5 years or more. Letting go and walking away... HOW?!?

 

[Kintsugi]

I want to respond to you, Muzikluvr, because I have experience some of what you have in terms of having told my family about the abuse while it was happening, being dismissed, and them then denying that they ever heard of it, etc. But I don't know what to say. It hurts to see someone struggling in the same muck I find on my shoes. Just know that I support you.

(((Muzik)))

 

[Muzikluvr]

I've been reading your posts today too MissAnti and I see the commonality. Thanks for reading and posting. I appreciate knowing that you see me. I feel pretty small and inconsequential right now.

 

[Kintsugi]

I feel pretty small and inconsequential right now.

Don't let them do that to you.

You are more courageous and strong than any of them for what you've been through and confronted.

 

[Nicolette]

I want to confront my family! I want to tell them what happened, who lied, and how repulsive it is that anyone thought a young girl (7-10years old) would enjoy being raped.

There are some in the family who don't know anything about me telling my parents that I was being raped. They were told that I was lying and manipulating my dad, and to ignore me. I was told to stop embarrassing my dad by talking about (whispered) sex.

My side of the story has never been told. It's too shameful. It would only bring shame to me, my parents, my in-laws, and my children. I should cut all ties and never say a word... right? or wrong?

I have walked a similar path Muzikluvr, less awful I think, but to each their own pain and suffering is the worst knowing no other.

A few points if you are open:

• Confronting your family has to be about you and your need to heal or let go but not to get revenge as it will never serve such a purpose. You have to do it with wanting to say what you need to no matter what their reactions or responses understanding that if you do get any they may not be what you are seeking.
• Denial is an illness IMHO and some people live with it not wanting to know and even if they hear it does not mean anything will change nor mean that they will even 'hear' you. Again exposing the truth is only helpful if it helps you release your secrets, let go of the pain or just the betrayal.
• Cutting ties is something I did but was not about shame. My parents are who they are and believe what they believe. Telling your story should not be about bring your family shame but it may be a consequence. Cutting ties is the decision I made as I can't change who they are and I couldn't live being exposed to such toxicity and hypocracy.

Anything you decide has to be about YOU! The rest is just a consequence of your healing if that is your motive for acting on anything you say.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome, ((((Muzikluver))))

I also cut ties to my family, similar to others here.

It was never going to be about the truth...they see what they are able to allow themselves to see, and my family keeps reinforcing their sick views.

If there are now a new generation of children, however, you can call those children's school nurses, principals, with your story and ask the teachers to be watchful. Thankfully, my sisters had no kids to worry about.

I put my energy into healing and dealing and left my sick family to their lies and manipulations. That has turned out to be plenty of punishment for them.

Unless there's an immediate threat, I'd say work on stabilizing yourself first with good skills to be there if/when you choose to confront, so you'll not be re-traumatized. ...and your confronting denial can open up ptsd in other victims who may not be as far along as you are. Just be aware of this possibility.

Do you have a T. to work this out with?

 

[Abrasky]

I should cut all ties and never say a word... right? or wrong?

I think your story is shocking. I wouldn't be keeping any ties. Ties are things that are supposed to join us together, not to rip our hearts apart. I would making sure all my shoelaces were coming from a good place.
Confrontation is something I have done. I confronted my dad about my abuse. It provided a source of finality to me, but I made sure I had my husbands family around for support afterwards. You will need support for the next 6 months after a confrontation I think. It's possible for it to add to your PTSD. I didn't find it added to mine though probably because of all the support afterwards and making sure it was 3 years after my initial trauma also contributed to a confrontation not becoming part of my PTSD.
Going to the police and filing a report can also add to finality. I did this too.
I had a grandmother who told me I was "bad" too, Nice granny Nice granny, ... BAD GRANNY. I will just imagine her are being a toothy wolf in a nice outfit.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'm able to cut ties with my mom. I understand her denial, and I know that she knows the truth, she just doesn't want to admit it. I pity her, but I'm not controlled by her. My dad's family uses guilt trips very well.

I'm angry with my dad for convincing everyone to ignore me, and for punishing me for telling him that I was being raped. There is a woman in my family whose daughter attacked me on the sidewalk downtown when I was 12? or so and she told me that "Thanks to you my little sister was raped". This little sister was younger than me, the girl confronting me was a year older...they are 2nd cousins or something. Their mother is friends with the Bully's (rapists) mother. And I think, these people are f-ing idiots! And then I think... well, I'm still keeping the secret. Maybe she doesn't know where all of it began.

It is a shocking story. I think sometimes I have a hard time believing it myself. I could prove that they knew, if I opened the can of worms.

Basically, I have cut ties, but I'm still writhing over it. And, I think that I never really reached out to anyone in my family because I was so terrified and angry. My dad was telling them how disappointed he is in me and how it must be in my nature to not care about anyone else and be so callous, and all I could do was scream at him! It's like everything he is... he blames on me. Now, I think I could calmly tell his family what really happened and confront them with their denial. I wonder if I would find an ally. I think that I may.

I went through PTSD Insanity all alone, non-stop flashbacks, false memories, incredible humiliation, anger, fear, paranoia. My husband watched, but I tried to keep him away from it all. Still, he knows that I was crazy for a while. I had a T through some of it, but she was physically ill and sometimes couldn't make a session at the last minute. I became even more self-reliant. It was good for me. But, I look around and no one knows what I've been through. I look like I've lived a charmed life. I have no friends. I have no family. I have my husband and children and my husbands family. My husband has never wanted me to talk about this stuff with his family. So, he's the only one who knows what I've struggled with.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Our Trauma constricted worlds are very similar. I know how lonely it is.

Same here with going it alone, but no more.

Once I started my diary, one of the benefits was I discovered people in my life who tried to help but I didn't know how to let them, then. I've since reached out and it's been good to have some safe peeps from my past validate my memories, feelings as real.

When you begin your diary, we'll be your witnesses...and then when you are safe and ready, you'll find a safe person in real life to share it with. Each time you share it safely, some of the shame and isolation will lift.

It's been hard but it has been worth it.

I believe you. I think you must be the bright, shining star in that family to be strong enough to face that which the others cannot.

I'm sorry you got blamed. NONE of it was your fault.

May you find safety, witness, allies, and friends here and in real life.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I have a diary on the survive sexual assault site. I thought it appropriate to write it there so people would know what they're getting into when they open it up. I think part of this new desire to confront is from getting some support from friends on that site. But, I tend to go through this in circular fashion. I usually come full circle deciding that they must all be quite twisted, and knowing that I wouldn't trust any of them anyway, I decide not to confront. But, I still haven't found a way to put them behind me.

I'm wondering now, if maybe I could do a smaller confrontation which would include my brother, dad, grandma and grandpa. My parents got divorced about 5 years ago when my dad told my mom he had been having an affair with her younger sister. Mom says that dad told her he would stay if she would have sex with him like the younger sister... I guess, more adventurous, and more often.

I have a hard time seeing him as the pig that he is. Maybe I could write down his quotes and look at them each time I think that he deserves more of an explanation as to why he can't see me or my kids anymore.

A woman was signing her will and she turned to me and said "My daughter hasn't spoken to me in 15 years... and I don't know why." She had cut that daughter out of the inheritance. I was really proud of myself for finding sympathy enough for her, and also for quickly and professionally escorting her out of the secluded room where she felt comfortable sharing tmi with me. But, it's had an impact on me. This is how he feels too. And, I knew as soon as she said it that her daughter probably tried repeatedly to tell her mom what was wrong. No daughter walks away silently... at least, I can't imagine it.

And I have told my dad some things, but I haven't calmly sat him down with witnesses and laid it out for him.