Thinking Of Leaving

[Miss_Understood]

So I had a long talk with my wife last night. I found out that she's not in love with me anymore, and that she feels like my mother not my lover. I certainly haven't been very good to her. I've been emotionally abusive, distant, uncommunicative, negative, selfish and uncaring.

I don't wanna be here if I make her feel like a mother nor do I wanna stay if she's not in love with me. I'm not the same person I was before I got attacked. Yet I don't wanna hurt her even more than I already have.

Her emotional affair that she had really messedme up yet I don't blame her for what she did, who would?

I certainly wasn't what she needed....


I don't know it just feels hopeless and running away seems tempting.

 

[Tony93720]

Does your wife want to run away also? Sharing her feelings is not necessarily a bad thing it helps to clear the air and let you know what your working with. If one of you or both of you still feels like fighting for this relationship there is still hope. Running away is always tempting because it's easier, but then you always have regrets because of the what-ifs. I know first hand. I did it 3 years ago and the what-ifs still bother me today.

 

[a3a2]

Are you getting therapy? It will serve you both.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I cannot afford therapy. Even on a sliding scale, my wife is looking for a job and I only work about 18 hours a week, due to my epilepsy and ptsd.

I've been dealing with this all on my own and I need help but we have no money to get me help,

 

[Julesnaz]

I was in a similar boat about feeling like a mother to my ex-husband. I would suggest some space for a bit. She may still actually love you, but be super stressed out about things and feel like she doesn't. I know we got a divorce and I regret it. I still love him, but was so overwhelmed with things I freaked out. Is there a way to live apart for a bit and reevaluate your relationship? See how you both feel in a month or so and then make any final decisions.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I don't have friends, I isolated myself from everyone. I love her more than I love myself but I'm so messed up right now. I've pushed everyone away and now I need help and nobody wants me to help me due to my actions. I don't wanna be selfish anymore and I feel like PTSD is a selfish disease.

 

[NukaGirl]

P.T.S.D is not a selfish disease. Don't ever feel that way about it or let anyone tell you it is.
You went through an extremely traumatic experience. No one comes out of something like that completely unscathed. Some people can't handle being with someone who suffers from P.T.S.D. and that's no one's fault. Not theirs, not yours.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I realize that the fault in a lot of this is my own. My heart has been poisoned by negativity in my life. I've been unforgiving slowly killing myself , when things seem to get better, I throw everything on on the back burner and pretend it's all ok. I have a lot to learn, I'll probably never be done learning and the fact that I thought I was earlier just shows how much I was mistaken. I try to be better but the second things seem ok I stop trying, expecting everyone to give me praise and recognition while not giving any in return. I have this habit of sweeping things under the rug instead of dealing with it, then it blows up in my face then I wonder why I'm constantly in the same place yet unwilling to actually put change into my diseased heart. I need a lot of help.

I'm not letting myself heal then wondering why I'm so sad, it's like I want to be sad.

My wife has tried honestly she has but I haven't made it easy to love me, then I get mad when she goes when I've pushed her so hard to do so. I isolate myself from everyone and then wonder why nobody wants to be around me. I was talking about leaving because I know it would be easier than dealing with the negativity in my heart. I have a long journey ahead of me and jumping back into a codependent relationship isn't healthy for wife nor I. I'm doing The Love Dare, and praying everyday.

 

[NukaGirl]

When it hurts, when it's difficult to do, that is when you need to do it. That's the only way to get over what's stopping you from healing. I know it's difficult. But if it wasn't, you'd never get anywhere. The hard things are worth pushing through.
And remember. It's not your fault you were attacked, and it's not your fault you have P.T.S.D.