This feels really messed up

[I_Am_Titanium]

This feels so messed up. My ex is narcissistic and emotionally abusive (according to four different marriage counselors). Note, we went to several different counselors because he didn't like any of them. He has now convinced himself that I'm a raging narcissist and that I emotionally abused him during our marriage. I know he's mirroring, projecting, gaslighting, etc. My therapist has confirmed this with me when I show her the communications between us. His messages are full of emotional abuse such as invalidation (I know you better than you know yourself), shaming (you did this and you did that, you're the problem), score keeping (I did you favors and you owe me), off the wall accusations (you're ruining my life on purpose), threats (I'm taking you back to court), belittlement (you're worthless), gaslighting (you don't have PTSD, you made up your entire past life history about being abused), saying he is going to tell my entire family I abused him, saying I will end up alone and miserable, and so on. The tone of his messages come across as very hostile.

Since we have small children and 50/50 custody, I've tried to maintain minimal contact with him and only about the children when necessary. I've gone gray rock in my communications. I even have close friends read my messages before I send them to make sure it's as bland, simple, and informative as possible.

Recently, he admitted in writing that he is not reading my texts or emails because he's convinced himself that my messages are abusive. I've had my friends and therapist review my messages and they tell me they are not abusive and are just fine. So now I think he has gone "no contact". It feels like he's punishing me. If I have concerns about the children or important information about their well being and he refuses to read my messages, I'm wondering if I'm being forced to parallel parent now. It also feels like a trap. Is this another one of his tactics to keep me on my toes? To keep me engaged somehow? It feels really messed up.

 

[Casey_03]

Is this another one of his tactics to keep me on my toes? To keep me engaged somehow?

Probably.

Does he ignore your messages even when he is with your children having visits? If so, it seems like that is something that should be addressed in court or through a social worker/mediator. I don't really know how it would work, but it definitely seems llike that should affect his visitation.

He sounds exactly like my ex/father of my son. Fortunately, he doesn't have custody or visitation rights, but he's engaged in the exact same behavior you describe.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

He didn't ignore my messages before. I'm guessing he will probably talk to me when he needs something and ignore everything else. Then when I don't give in to his demands, he'll claim I'm being unreasonable and so on. I don't think there is much I can do at the moment except to document it. I wouldn't be surprised if we ended up back in court one of these days.

 

[scout86]

It feels like he's punishing me.

You could make a good argument for "he's rewarding you" too. Unless his failure to communicate has a negative impact on the kids, you might consider it a blessing.