This Hasn't Happened To Me Before... Yikes.

[FUBAR1]

I'd like some insight/advice/whatever.....

There's a new dude at work in my area. I immediately considered him a threat first because I think I just had a gut bad feeling about him and combat has taught me to never second guess an instinctual response to someone (might be an issue I need to work on? I make snap assessments as soon as I see someone as to whether they're trustworthy or not and by god I stick by them, evidence notwithstanding. If I didn't trust someone on first meeting it doesn't matter how long I've known them for and how nice they've seen, I will never reconsider that initial gut reaction.) Secondly, I don't like having to deal with new people at work, because I already have a circle of coworkers/friends who know about my past and my PTSD, who know what my basic triggers are, who know not to startle me, and who basically know which buttons to push or not and how to help if one has been pushed. Outside of this group of people I couldn't be bothered to go through the hassle of re-explaining to anyone new about my PTSD, why I have it, what my triggers are, etc. And so I don't, and I usually avoid new people or at least avoid friendship or a lot of close proximity with them, mostly due to my startle reflex. In any case as soon as I saw this new dude I ignored him, refused to look at or speak to him, and just stayed busy with my work because I didn't want to give him any chance to strike up conversation or feel comfortable enough to get friendly with me. It's possible that he took this personally in some way, I don't know.

In any case not far into the night he took the opportunity to, the first time he ever speaks to me, blow up at me for working in an area which he had presumed was his since I guess he'd been hired while I was on medical leave and taken over my normal area. I won't get into the whole issue but basically instead of just coming to discuss it with me and see if we could work out a compromise, he acted like a complete child about it and then stormed off without giving me a chance to discuss any sort of compromise with him. Now, in all reality, the whole situation isn't that big of a deal. Some random new guy I don't know throws a tantrum, and usually I would have just rolled my eyes, thought, whatever, and not allowed him to get on my nerves. But, a couple of things primed me to blow internally - I'd already clocked him as a threat, based on gut instinct and because he was new. Not a good idea on my part since as soon as I start threat assessments in any situation my adrenaline goes through the roof. Secondly, he approached me in an aggressive manner by the way he walked, talked, etc. That kind of body language immediately sends me into combat-readiness.

For the rest of my eight hour shift I was in a state of rage and combat-readiness. I thought nonstop about verbally and physically beating the shit out of him, and I was on such full alert that I started preparing for him to do some kind of flyby - walk through my area and punch me in the back of the head or something - which in all reality if he wanted to keep his job he wouldn't do. In fact most people don't react vengefully and violently to verbal altercations at work but I always expect the worst in human nature to come out in response to the simplest situations. I was aware that I was psyching myself up which is what predisposes me to react violently to being startled in the first place (if I'm threat assessing my startle reflex goes through the roof but if I actively force myself to stop threat assessing I'm less likely to react dangerously to being startled) but I didn't care. I knew I was setting myself up psychologically for all kinds of PTSD shit but I didn't give a damn because I was so full of rage and my combat-readiness trigger had kicked in so deeply I just couldn't pull myself out of it. The entire walk home after work I was jumpy as hell, constantly turning around and looking behind me because I expected him to follow me home from work and pull a knife or gun. I know better than to let myself do worst-case scenarios but I couldn't stop.

Fortunately we had no further physical or verbal confrontations that night, because in the state I was in it would have ended badly. But now I'm totally primed to react aggressively towards him, whether verbally or physically, and even if I try to be a gentleman and calmly work the situation out with him my next shift, this sort of internal reaction to him isn't going to go away now that it's been set off.

I need to understand why I'm reacting with such intense rage, why I'm unable to calm myself down even when I recognize the harmful thinking patterns I'm falling into, and basically how the f*ck to get a handle on myself.

 

[Ned]

I'm going to make a couple of assumptions here.
The people who know you at work generally like you and get on with you, right? It sounds like they're pretty supportive.
It's possible that, in your absence, this bloke has already picked up on the fact that you are liked, respected, and resents it.
Maybe he's insecure, even if you are a small bloke it's a bit daft of someone to lay into a physically fit vet.
It is very difficult, as I know only too well from my owwn work experience,to work alongside someone who's behaved like a chi-chi tosser, but in the end it will be better for you.
I think this is another hurdle in the learning process, FUBAR.
Without causing uncomfortableness, take the opportunity to talk about what happened to your mates at work. Did any of thenm witness this?
They might be itching to tell you what a prat they think he is, especially if they've mentioned your issues to him.
As for the drama queen himself, make every effort you can to behave as if it didn't happen, even to the extent of nodding hello. That's going to put you on the moral high ground, people notice.
And well done, mate. You kept control. Yes I know how crap it must've felt inside but what everyone else saw is you keeping on top of it, that gets noticed too.

 

[Wagon]

You are not alone on this one FUBAR. When I worked I would frequently get myself worked up over things that had not or even would not happen. Kind of f*cked up my career.

I was constantly targeting potential enemies or slackers. It really added to the stress of everything else. And its all a mind game.

One of the exercises recommended in a book a shrink gave me (Meta Cognitive Therapy) was to treat these situations like weather. It exists, there is nothing we can do about it and it will pass. Its called pushing clouds or mindful detachment. On my better days I have been successful, on other days, it goes right out the window. Kind of an issue of mental training. You can probably find this on line.

I'm no expert. And it may not work for you. We're all different. But it does force you to stop and think about situations in a different way. The bitch is, the other guy probably blew off his steam and went home without thinking about it, us folks however have already planned the funeral and jail time attached and then re-planned it again.

Hang in there Brother
Wagon

 

[marc and honey]

Fubar, like you say this is taught for reason. It is very hard to turn off, almost impossible at first. In my experience and I want to emphasize my experience, I minimized contact with the person until I felt more comfortable around him. I did not approach him, I still get tense when he talks to me, but as long as he is not giving me a reason to be defensive; I keep myself in check. I find myself sizing people up, finding character weaknesses. This may not be productive but gives me a little more confidence. It is very difficult to tell yourself you are not in a combat zone, that you are safe. I will be interested to hear how you handle this for it is one of my weak points as well. Best of luck

 

[marc and honey]

when as else fails

 

[Wagon]

Taking mosquito protection to a whole new level. Never even knew something like that existed.

 

[Ted Moen]

It's our task to learn to live well in the normal world with all these leftover thoughts and feelings about how to survive in the hostile environment raging in our minds. Old stuff interfering with current stuff. One of the hardest and most damaging elements of PTSD is friend or foe stuff. We had to make that determination very quickly and act immediately. More or less normal people get to know each other more slowly and have most of their categories somewhere in between friend (combat buddy) and foe (combat enemy).

To counter the old friend or foe stuff, I had to learn to act in the current situation on the assumption that people I encountered were friendly in the normal sence, neither combat buddy nor combat foe but somewhere in between, generally someone it would be to my benefit to have a positive relationship with in relation to our shared involvement in a shared activity.

Then comes the hard part. I had to learn to act friendly (in the normal sence) in my current situation even though the friend or foe stuff was raging in the background. Self-talk was my primary tool. When confronted with a new person, I learned to immediately remind myself the person is a potential friend in the normal sense and it would be in my best interest to act friendly in the normal sense and then focus on behaving in a normal friendly way regardless of the old stuff going off in the background.

These days I have good relationships with a number of normal friends related to normal activities I have chosen to participate in. It's not easy, it takes practice, but it does get easier with practice. And, learning to participate appropriately in normal relationships and activities in our current situation is what learning to live better with PTSD is all about.

Ted

 

[Zipperhead]

Any chance he has issues to, and was sizing you up the same as you were him? His reaction sounds abit blown out of proportion.

 

[FUBAR1]

Thanks everyone, really helpful stuff all around.

Ned - you're absolutely right, I am very liked and thought well of at work. Also, as well liked as I am, and as good of friends as we all are, they've seen my combat reactions to startling stimuli enough times to have a healthy respect - maybe even a good dose of terror - of me. They don't f*ck with me and they don't push my buttons because they know I'm perfectly capable of killing them barehanded if I feel truly threatened. I don't really like having that kind of undercurrent to all my relationships but it definitely does set up a boundary line that those who know me don't cross, for their own sake. But this new guy doesn't know the f*cking boundaries.
I really can't make any assumptions about his motives, although it's true insecurity may be among them. I am a small bloke, but physically fit, yeah, and I wear my combat boots to work simply because we're required to wear protective footwear and although they're kevlar-toed not steel toed I get away with it because they're so comfortable I can't imagine wearing any other boots to work, anyway something small like that could have set him off too, I know some people just get confrontative when they see someone who acts or looks intimidating. People who have to prove themselves, shit like that. I did talk to my coworkers, they didn't see it but I told them about it and all they have to say is that no matter what area he's in he never gets his work done anyway, so f*ck him basically, I do a good job in my area. Anyway you're right, as much as my combat instincts are itching for me to kick this guy's ass into the next timezone, moral high ground is probably the appropriate response here, and for my sake more than anything... because if I keep the tension going from my end of things it's only going to, well, keep me tense which isn't any good for my stress cup.

Wagon - I practice 'pushing clouds' a lot but somehow it never occurred to me in this situation so I'll definitely try to apply it. That's the thing is when I get outright triggered all my zen stuff flies out the window. I'm not sure how to describe it but there seems to be two kinds of triggers for me. There's times I get triggered and it brings up a shitload of memories, emotions, panic, whatever but I'm able to control my thoughts and responses and ride the situation out. Then there's triggers that snap me into a completely explosive state and I am literally incapable of controlling my reactions during the trigger. Once I snap out of it, randomnly, I'm fine again. People who are really close to me know that after the latter, there's no use my apologizing because I can neither control what I do during the trigger nor prevent it from happening next time... all I can do is to continue to work on therapy with my PTSD and those kinds of explosions diminish in frequency and length over time in response to my general recovery. Once I snap into full combat mode I'm gone, it's like being in an altered state, I know what I'm doing but can't stop. My closest friends forgive me for it because there's no intent involved and I mean absolutely nothing I do or say during those episodes, which thankfully happen very infrequently now compared to a few years ago.

Ted - extremely useful advice and I will try to add this to my repertoire and keep practicing until it sticks. I try very hard not to allow myself to do direct threat assessments on who may be carrying weapons, who's in a better physical location should such and such a person suddenly attack, in what way I would gain the upper hand given their particular build/situational advantages, blahblah. But combat friend vs combat enemy is so simple and quick I guess I didn't realize it's a threat assessment I'm doing all the time. And I don't think I can shut it off but you're right the trick is to apply civilian logic and ignore the combat chatter going on in my head in the background.

Zipperhead - oh I absolutely know he has issues based on his reaction, which just verifies my initial gut instinct about him, making it even harder for me to calm down around him. Having a gut instinct and hanging on to it uneasily in the background of my mind even when a person proves to be generally nice and unthreatening is one thing but when a person in the space of an hour proves my gut instinct correct then I'm on full red alert. In the end I guess the key to this is to realize that even though he has issues and is a complete douchebag, he's not worth my peace of mind, and he's not worth bringing me down to his level, and I can show him politeness and courtesy, enemy or not, which has absolutely nothing to do with friendship or trust. Learning to be diplomatic when one is used to resorting to force is a bit of a learning curve but I guess here's my chance to practice it.

 

[Ned]

Well reasoned, good.

 

[Wagon]

Nicely thought out. Yeah pushing clouds only works right up to the point you attack them with a chainsaw. Then all bets are off.

 

[Sarg]

Fubar, when I was fresh from Nam, I would do the same thing. Usually wound up with someone having a bloody lip. Most of the time it was me. Over the years, and especially in my career, I developed a system of being overly polite, syruply (is that a word?) nice to people I had already assessed as being an asshole. You do it right and it pisses them off to the max. It embarrases them, they resent it and you come off smelling like a rose.

My coworkers would comment about how I could take all this verbal abuse and still treat them overly nice. Another plus is it puts you on a higher plane than them. Another plus was being the project inspector and I got to gleefully tell this asshole that his work was out of spec and he was going to have to rip it up and do it all over again!!! In a very nice voice of course.

Sarg