This is a Mess - I Need Answers

[sallysellsseashells]

Luthien, thank you for this thread.

I am very concerned though: why won’t your partner allow you to talk with family about the PTSD & flashbacks? Do the flashbacks make him angrier? Does he acknowledge the PTSD for what it is?

I wouldn’t suggest asking him this directly. I’m just wondering what your take on this is.

Take Care!

S.

 

[dave11282]

well

well put,

I could not agree more,

I have never seen my PSTD as a test. It has never made me stronger, quite the opposite . I feel broken and trapped by fear, over stimulation , and chronic anxiety.

And for over 20 years I have suffered this affliction.
The only weapon we have is recognition.

recognition that we have this disease. I was in denial for years that
there was anything wrong with me. Took me years to realise that I had been changed by my life threatening event.

With this recognition we can take steps to reduce the symptoms, dampen the hyper reactivity , dampen the anxiety, dampen the pain. Through CBT, NLP, good nutrition (Kava, Theanine, rescuse remedy ),

I know for me stimulants are a big no no.

Caffeine, ginseng, anything that causes a stimulating effect I have to avoid.

Alcohol is ok for me now, I just am aware that it can amplify depression and negative feelings. Moderation is key.

I wish you well for developing strategies and coping skills,

there is no cure, but there is plenty of treatments and self help therapies and nutrients that can dampen the anger, anxiety, and depression.

keep well

 

[Luthien]

Sallysellsseashells,

My husband is very supportive when I am having a flashback. Actually he is very supportive, and is my rock through all of it. He defintely sees it for what it is, or at least he truly understands what it does to me. When I start to flashback when him and I are having an argument, he immediately checks himself and goes into protect and support mode.

He just doesn't think his family would understand, or be able to deal with my PTSD, and especially my trauma. Because of my whole history, he also worries that anyone who knows what happened to me, and about my PTSD, might hurt me because they will know they can.

It has happened before that I have been hurt my people who know my story, in fact, I was kidnapped and gang raped after my original diagnoses of PTSD, because someone knew my story, and knew they could get away with it.

So, maybe his fears are sound. It makes it hard for me at times, but it is honestly him trying to protect me from further pain, possibly even abuse. So for now I respect his wishes about telling his family.

 

[jeapea]

Dear Luthien~
I have felt exactly like you described in your first post. I 'ran' to the same point you mentioned in 'hiding' in severe weather ill equipped to protect myself from the dangers I put myself in. I have been my own worst enemy. Many, many times. For years I called myself an adrenaline junky. For the crazy things I did and the jobs I took. I think of it as running blind before I even knew what I was running from. Pre-ptsd-diagnoses.

I haven't been able to find a therapist, either. It is discouraging to me and I also felt as if I'd been diagnosed and dropped. But I did find this forum, and it has been the best thing I've found so far! Knowing I am not alone was a first big step for me...reading your post brought up some of the same methods I have used to cope. Thank you for writing.

I used to push myself to do things that others expected me to do just to please them...regardless of how it made me feel...now I am learning not to do that any more. I didn't go to my sons wedding reception because he invited people who had abused me and I felt so anxious beforehand that I couldn't imagine actually being in the same room with those people. This time, I took care of me first. And something 'crazy' didn't happen. I elected not to go. I'm sad about it, it wasn't what I hoped for, but I just couldn't do (to myself) what was expected of me this time. Some situations (or people) I am just not ready to deal with. I push myself to do what I think I can handle and not let someone else do the pushing any more or guilt me into anything.

People have actually grabbed me and tried to physically stop me from leaving situations that I needed to get away from. I will not tolerate physical restraint, much less coersion because it just magnifies the trigger. These same people would not allow anyone to do that to them, even without having been through what I've been through. They cannot reasonably expect me to put up with it, either. Whether I have ptsd or not. I am an adult and I do not need anyone's permission to come and go or do as I please. Regardless of my reasons. But I have to take responsibility for my own actions and keep myself safe from harm when I do take flight.

Until you are able to get control over your flight patterns, maybe you can make a plan for "escape" when you feel threatened or unable to cope. A plan you can stick to. One that gets you to a safe place until you are able to regroup? Make yourself a 'survival kit' and keep it handy. Take a course in search and resue or martial arts/self-defense. Empower yourself to be self-sufficient if you find yourself in need of those skills so you aren't vulnerable by your own hand. That's what I did.

And as I learned these basic (and advanced) skills it also helped my self-esteem! That was a great bonus!
Also, remember that some people do genuinely care for you from the sound of things, so include someone in your escape plan so your safety is not questioned. I created a network of people who would know where to find me if I was 'missing'. As I look outside today at the snow I remember times (even in winter) that my whereabouts were unknown and how I caused worry and concern and how dangerous that was to me. I made a promise to myself in driving my jeep cj5 into these mountains in the winter... "IF IT TAKES CHAINS TO GET ME THERE, I'VE GOT NO BUSINESS GOING!" Take care of you.

Best wishes and welcome
jps