This Is My Life. What I Have Lost. What I Have Gained.

[maryiscontrary]

This is what I have lost in the last 7 years.
1. Career as a scientist
2. 2 marriages
3. stable home (10 moves in 9 years)
4. 2 cats to being eaten by wildlife outside my home, 1 to other circumstances
5. My FOO
6. Two businesses
7. Endless string of toxic "friends"
8. My mom and grandmother, and almost my dad
9. All my stuff
10. All my earnings

It seems like I was absolutely helpless as I desperately tried to stop things from going down the drain. I am a conscientious, very responsible person. To just stand there and watch relationships go to shit, with nothing I could do to stop it, because the other person just could not stop being a shit stain. There seems to be a huge discrepancy between what I put into things and what I get out. If my life was a balance sheet, it would show
huge net losses. Not a profitable enterprise. Not really worth it.

I have always thought and I still strongly do, that it is not wise to have children. I don't think it is wise for any of my family, given the strong dysfunctional history and tonnes of stuff undealt with. I really like children, but like an Aunt. They wear me out really quick emotionally.

I walk through life detached from any expectation. I am not attached to my stuff. I have disrupted attachments in my relationships, as they could end tomorrow. I have lost so many people abruptly. Plus a lot of people are really, really screwed up and would just bring me down...got to be careful of the friends you do make. I have been threatened, smeared, abandoned, lied to by my family and close friends. I have gone through almost every by of betrayal imaginable, out of nowhere.

I have to live a very strict life. I cannot eat poorly, or be in a high stress environment. I can't have TV, and I only see 1 or 2 movies a year. Can't do CNN, Fox, etc. Or violent shows or movies. Can't have gluten, dairy, or coffee or I will get really ill. I have to work from home. I don't make a lot of money, but I am a very good manager of what I have. I wanted a good career with financial security commensurate with my drive, abilities, and talents, but no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just could not materialize it. The system was broken.

I have lived through 3rd world like poverty. I have done large amounts of physical labor that men twice my size do. I have applied for a 1000+ jobs. I have taken care of 4 dying family members and set up hospice, arrangements, fighting with greedy doctors. Trying to get them medical care in a dying system.

I have desperately needed medical care, but just could not access it because of poverty. No matter what I did, it was inadequate to get me out of the shit hole. I saw inept, dishonest people weasel their way to the top, while I battled homelessness. I could never figure it out why I was busting my ass, trying to operate from an angle of integrity, and being punished for it.

Now, I have a good life. I live in a beautiful part of the world. Have a nice little place. Eat all organic foods. Go to the symphony and ballet, and endless other things. I travel (on the super cheap) all the time. I have what are seemingly great friends. I do some really neat art. I look and feel really good most days. It could all change on a dime, but it is much, much better than what I had before. What bothers me is that I have no sense of future. I am so detached that I do not care to see my family ever again. I feel a profound disconnect with my belonging and my friends. Or even my life. Or the prospects of a healthy mate.

 

[darrenS]

firstly there is nothing wrong with not having an attachment to stuff - what is stuff ? material things that break , get old and rarely serve their true purpose. I have several good things in my home i have worked hard form them , but its stuff , would i be upset if i was robbed of course (have been cleaned out twice before), but not for long - i have lived with the most minimal and have been happier than when i have accrued stuff, only use what makes you happy and even the most minimal can still be quite a good design. I have a huge problem with disconnect with everyone , i can have periods when im fine and others where i feel like im just not there - i am trying something different to address it

With my children who at times suffer from my disconnect - we all sit down and i get large sheets of paper watercolor and color inks - i teach the fun in making colorful washes, i nake no point of needing a finished product and its more a fun thing of blending colors and having fun -it has worked really well.

with my ex wife who i am still very close to - i research what is going on in her field and then bring it as a discussion (she is a scientist)

i am finding the more i push the more i seem to be able manipulate or sometimes stop the disconnection - it just takes practice , i also many times when im sufferering a reaction start to paint and rather than put thought to the reaction , i try to imagine shapes and colors - it does help

Good luck, and i truly wish you all the best on the journey

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sounds like you have keen observation and seem to classify or interpret those organized experiences in a scientific method. But the data is not all in as of yet, because the journey is not over. Quantifying your loss and gain is courageous. As well, I think I hear you say, you are considering something more.:)

So, find the evidence to support yourself in the hypothesis of you deserving joy, fulfillment and peace. It may lead you to a new discovery of being able to be closer to the subject matter at hand...you. :hug: I have always trusted your compassion as well as sense of fair play. I suppose I am warming up to asking you this respectfully - do you trust yourself to feel attachment?

Sometimes, I understand, it may seem safer not to:nailbiting:...but I thought I would ask you how you felt about being 'present' in your life.

 

[Seagreen]

It sounds to me what you are looking for is purpose. I could be wrong.

What you say about dishonest people making their way to the top while you try to operate from an angle of integrity and are punished for it. This is sadly the way of the world. You cant change who you are and while its a heavy burden to carry the world is a better place because of those like you. Think of nature. Each living thing thrives on the destruction of a weaker opponent. There is no room for integrity, hesitate and something will quickly snap you up and take your place. Humans have conscious and empathy but not all people have the same capacity for these feelings. Some are more inclined to take an opportunity to move up without thinking twice while others are more conscientious of the impact they make. The world needs people to play both roles. Those that are kind and fair make life more bearable.

 

[maryiscontrary]

It sounds to me what you are looking for is purpose. I could be wrong.

What you say about dishonest people making their way to the top while you try to operate from an angle of integrity and are punished for it. This is sadly the way of the world. You cant change who you are and while its a heavy burden to carry the world is a better place because of those like you. Think of nature. Each living thing thrives on the destruction of a weaker opponent.....The world needs people to play both roles. Those that are kind and fair make life more bearable.

Thank you for you insight. While this is true about nature in "rare" instances, social networks in the animal kingdom must have trust to function. For humans, if we don't have social contracts, we don't have civilization. If we do not have fair competition, like we do now in the western world, then the system collapses, just like it is doing now. The dog eat dog paradigm is true, but it only makes up a small part of everyday functioning. The "war" like mentality always collapses, because it is just too energy intensive. Sociopaths are not strong. They are parasites who often burn so many bridges, that they end end up destroying the institution they weaseled their way up in. I am not weak, but I have to constantly fend off freeloaders, manipulators, and liars who try to take my resources. I am not weak, I am stronger than almost anybody I know. Too many parasites, and no enough cooks.

I suppose I am warming up to asking you this respectfully - do you trust yourself to feel attachment?

Sometimes, I understand, it may seem safer not to:nailbiting:...but I thought I would ask you how you felt about being 'present' in your life.

Thanks much for your thoughts and you hugs. I am very present a large part of the time. There are a lot of wonderful aspects of existence, but there are a lot of ugly, ugly things that have no intrinsic value whatsoever, and it presents a total waste to try to attach with. I have had so many duplicitous people (my entire FOO and both of my exes included) bend over backwards trying to leech something out of me that I think that this mechanism is broken. I have lost so much in my life....really it is not a matter of trust, it is like the brain circuit is burned out. I get exhausted dealing with attachments. They concept of "family" is now a foreign language. I tried and tried, held up my end of these contracts, and yet they failed. I am honestly burned out of giving effort for nothing in return. Now, there seems to be some satisfation with visiting nature (god, south america is amazing) and with doing art. But that is even wonkey. It is like a short circuit. It made quitting my addictions fairly easy, however.

Does this answer your question?

I have a huge problem with disconnect with everyone , i can have periods when im fine and others where i feel like im just not there - i am trying something different to address it

With my children who at times suffer from my disconnect - we all sit down and i get large sheets of paper watercolor and color inks -----with my ex wife who i am still very close to - i research what is going on in her field and then bring it as a discussion (she is a scientist)

i am finding the more i push the more i seem to be able manipulate or sometimes stop the disconnection - it just takes practice , i also many times when im sufferering a reaction start to paint and rather than put thought to the reaction , i try to imagine shapes and colors - it does help

Good luck, and i truly wish you all the best on the journey

Darren, thanks for your reply. I see exactly what you are doing, and I do the same thing. The thing is, that I do not feel any "salience" when I do them. I go through the motions, practice, etc., but at the end of the day, I am ashamed to say that I really don't care. The satisfaction is very, very fleeting. I did not use to be this way. It truly feels like a circuit in my brain is damaged. Let me tell you, it sounds like you are the right path with your journey.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I am honestly burned out of giving effort for nothing in return.

Stopping the insanity of repeated patterns that appear to bear no fruit is wise.

Does this answer your question?

Yes...thank you. ;) Alternative solutions as resolutions allow movement forward. I am at peace for you.
I appreciate your trust as well as the time with your explanation.

 

[maryiscontrary]

You know, ever wonder how Job (biblical Job) felt when god took away everything on a bet with the devil...and supposedly replaced it all after the fact? Do you think he was as righteous as before? I think he probably had CPTSD, if I could venture to guess. BTW, I am not a believer.

 

[darrenS]

i tend to spend what little energy i have on things that keep life simple :) i avoid religion , after being raised in catholic schools because i find it conflicting and surreal, no disrespect to those that believe. id rather spend my time thinking about the things i can change