This Is The Second Hardest Thing For Me To Admit

[Candleflames]

That I belong here that is. I can tell people in general and vague ways that I experienced childhood abuse. I can even tell a couple of people that I was raped as a teen. I can't seem to tell people that, yes, I have experienced violence from a partner. Part of the shame is that after everything I saw my dad do to his wives and girlfriends I should have walked away when it started but I didn't. The real kicker that brings forth my embarrassment is that I still haven't walked away. Instead we are still married and are both in therapy. The physical aspect ended about 5 years ago but there are still some aspects of emotional manipulation.

To be fair my husband isn't the only one that did some hitting. I used to do kickboxing after my first child was born and fought back after a few times of him punching me for not complying right away. We had some serious knock down fights in the early years.

While the relationship is better it's not good. I don't know if I'm capable of knowing what a good and healthy relationship is like.

 

[Nicolette]

Glad you had the courage to come here @candleflames and while I understand the shame, it's really not shameful as to break the cycle is very difficult. Half the battle is acknowledging there is an issue and you already being in therapy is testimony to that. I believe the hard part is actually believing you have the strength to live a way which is totally foreign to all that you have ever known or been shown.

fought back after a few times of him punching me for not complying right away.

Hmm... two wrongs don't make a right but I understand this too as I once lashed back as I couldn't take anymore. I don't know if that warrants a case of dismissing your husband's abuse as I'm guessing that if he didn't hit you you would not have fought back?

I don't know if I'm capable of knowing what a good and healthy relationship is like

No truer statement can be said when you come from a DV background as how to do you know with no knowledge or example???.... it's very difficult to turn around and I don't know if the damage can ever be totally undone however we can strive for healthier relationships every day and make our futures brighter. :)

 

[macbeth]

I found it really hard to leave my ex husband, and one of the hardest things for me was admitting that he had been violent because I felt so much shame. I was embarrassed about his behaviour. I know how hard it is to walk away. In the end I had to because child welfare were called in by police attending at our house because of his violence and they took me and children out of the situation I was in.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry @macbeth.

I felt so much shame. I was embarrassed about his behaviour.

It's interesting isn't it that we are embarrassed as to how they behave and try and hide it? This is why I believe some people are in shock when we come out and say they were abusing us - as we spent so much energy trying and hide their behaviour to the outside world in an attempt to pretend all is normal that it seems almost unbelievable to the outside world.

 

[digger]

we are still married and are both in therapy.

This is a key point I think. The fact that you are both in therapy shows that there is an acknowledgement of the issue from him as well? I think a lot of times this doesn't happen at all and then the only thing to do is leave, because without acknowledgement then there is no hope of things changing for the better.

That I belong here that is. I can tell people in general and vague ways that I experienced childhood abuse. I can even tell a couple of people that I was raped as a teen. I can't seem to tell people that, yes, I have experienced violence from a partner.

I get that. I think some of it has to do with being an adult and feeling more responsible for the decisions and judgements we make. That still doesn't make us responsible for the decisions and actions of others though. But yes, I find it much harder to admit to having been in an abusive relationship as an adult than I do saying I had a shit childhood.

While the relationship is better it's not good. I don't know if I'm capable of knowing what a good and healthy relationship is like.

No, I don't what that looks like r feels like really either. I guess one way to look at it is what sort of relationship would you want for your kids to be in. How would you want them to be treated. How would yo want them to treat the other person.

 

[Candleflames]

Thank you all for your responses. We are both getting help. I don't know that it's enough though. This might sound weird but it's not so much the hitting that bothers me, it's all the things he has said, the emotional manipulation, the name calling and put downs, and the turning everything into my fault. These were so ingrained in him as defense mechanisms growing up that they are hardest to break and hardest for me to cope with. It's these emotional things that have done the most damage.

I don't know if the damage can ever be totally undone

I think this is what scares me the most. I worry that so much of the damage will be completely insurmountable that I am and forever will be incapable of enjoying any kind of healthy relationship. Their is so much damage going back to infancy.

I was embarrassed about his behaviour.

I think some of it has to do with being an adult and feeling more responsible for the decisions and judgements we make.

I often think that I should know better or that there must be something wrong with me for not seeing what was going on before it got to the hitting stage. I felt so stupid and that I let it all happen. Plus you hear comments from people like, "well she stays so she must like it" and other bs like it.

 

[digger]

This might sound weird but it's not so much the hitting that bothers me, it's all the things he has said, the emotional manipulation, the name calling and put downs, and the turning everything into my fault. These were so ingrained in him as defense mechanisms growing up that they are hardest to break and hardest for me to cope with. It's these emotional things that have done the most damage.

That doesn't sound weird at all. I think that is common for most people in abusive relationships. Physical stuff heals by itself. Bruises fade. Broken bones mend. Without too much intervention from us really, our bodies do the work.

Violence is frightening. Getting physically hurt, hurts! But yes, for me too, these were not the scariest things or the most damaging things. The emotional crap. The putting down. The making you into something worthless. Living with the threat of violence. The not knowing what was going to happen....there are many things worse than getting hit in my opinion (and this is just my take on things). But then I don't think you ever really get domestic abuse situations where it is only physical, there are always layers to it. That's what makes it so hard to escape, manage, recover from etc.

I felt so stupid and that I let it all happen.

Yes, I think there was a lot of this for me too.