This Is What Dissociation Is Like.

[Intrepid]

Note: none of this is an exaggeration.

Dissociation comes after getting a whack of emotional abuse so painful that it feels like any interaction with anyone ever again will kill me. Dissociation is like turning to iron so hard that I don't have the option to ever talk to anyone like I talked to that person ever again.

Or I get in the way of other people fighting and catch enough emotional and physical shrapnel that I have to dig a trench deep enough that no one will get another shot at me, and then I break any ladder that I could use to climb out, knowing that to poke my head over that rim would mean the end of me.

Or I learn the consequences for mistakes included getting beat so hard it felt like my body was being dismembered, so no more doing anything, ever, that's not sanctioned, even if it means losing at everything I try to do on my own for the rest of my life.

Or it's feeling pain so intense and focused that I store it in my body someplace where I hope I will never have to go again, then forget I stored it there even when I feel the muscles twitch and joints grind into each other, and I end up on meds just to get out of bed.

 

[anthony]

That does not sound like dissociation to me... it goes beyond that to more along the lines of derealisation / depersonalisation disorder, even psychosis. But honestly, what you describe goes beyond dissociation in my eyes.

Dissociation is a disconnection with the reality around you. You may be dissociating, but what happens then surpasses that, hence my above recommendations. I think you need to talk further with your therapist, because what you describe is beyond dissociation.

 

[greenleaf]

One note... it's quite possibly not psychotic at all... the descriptions @Intrepid uses include lots of events that were likely real, and not part of the response. Some of the language is figurative but "feels right" for dissociation to me. Whether Intrepid's response was all dissociation vs. derealization etc. would be up to the therapist etc. to figure out if that is even helpful to @Intrepid... The body part sounds real familiar to me... thank goodness for good bodyworkers...

 

[Intrepid]

I wrote this post in frustration. I was really tired of people who posted that other people needed to get over it, or were exaggerating. I was tired of posts that said people on this forum, or elsewhere were fake, or making up their symptoms. I was tired of the posts where people were complaining that others were saying they had PTSD, but in their opinion, didn't have anything like that.

It's so easy, from a limited post, discussion, or interaction of any kind, to misunderstand. It's important, I know, to categorize ourselves and others, but with those who have experienced debilitating trauma, it's especially hard to express in one post, discussion, or interaction of any kind, what is or was or is expected to be going on.

And, for all of you literalists out there, this was very figurative. Thanks for noticing, @greenleaf.

 

[greenleaf]

Ouch, @Intrepid -- I hope that you feel validated most of the time here, and that most people here don't minimize and discount... that happens loads in other places and it is important to get validation somewhere. That being said, this is an open forum... a T's office or safe friend would be freer of trollish possibilities... (though the staff here do a great job of keeping really bad trolls out, from what I can tell.)

 

[Intrepid]

You are right. The staff here does a good job at keeping out trolls. I'm getting so much from this forum and I'm grateful it's here.

I was tired of people minimizing other's posts, so I "maximized" a post. I'm not surprised by the response by @anthony but wish he could have got to know me before he dropped the psychosis bomb.

I'm just angry, really angry at the failure by everyone, including me, to notice my trauma, to do anything about it, to make a difference. I suffered, and I'm mad.

 

[anthony]

I'm just angry, really angry at the failure by everyone, including me, to notice my trauma, to do anything about it, to make a difference. I suffered, and I'm mad.

That's a whole different conversation, in my view, compared to what you have posted here. I do believe I also said:

it goes beyond that to more along the lines of derealisation / depersonalisation disorder, even psychosis.

Which did not cite I think you have psychosis, but MAY, and my last sentence is clear about discussion with your therapist if the case.

Psychosis is not something tragic or such, especially in the scheme of already having PTSD. People with PTSD have paranoia, psychotic breakdowns, suicidal intent and the list goes on... psychosis is barely a blip on the radar if present, and just another comorbid aspect that can present as a result of trauma and PTSD. There are many here with complex trauma having comorbid dissociative disorders and even personality disorders, which far surpass most other disorders.