Sufferer This looks like success, but...

[almostthere83]

Diagnosed in 2016 after a serious assault while working as a correctional officer. 18 months off work. 2 years of intense therapy. Back in a new job and it looks like all is going well. I know I'm fortunate to have received all of the support that I have. I'm lucky to be where I am.

I've become very good at hiding things. I need to be professional in the new gig. But struggling with self destructive impulses. I get irritable and the cracks start to show. I obsess. I feel like all of my coworkers can see my shortcomings. Something goes wrong at work? My brain says f*ck it. You're losing it. You're a fraud. Get drunk. Call in sick. Miss all your meetings. Burn it all down. Coaching myself back is so exhausting. I do the work, I know I have no choice because the alternative is so much worse.

I thought I had that shit under control. I was deemed by docs to have found a "new baseline" and am considered a great example of what a recovery can look like.

How do any of ya'll deal with this stuff? It tends to hit me in streaks. I'll be good for a few weeks and then I hit the rapids. Nightmares come back, teeth grinding, hyper vigilance, obsessive intrusive thoughts, panic, tears, fog, memory loss, revenge fantasies about the person responsible and anyone else who irks me. I at least have the sense to know it's the illness and I'm grateful for that.

Friends and family don't really get it. They try their best. Some try to relate as far as the anxiety portion but clearly cannot understand what it's like to stand in a place and catch yourself trailing off, muttering the same conversation you had years ago at work moments before shit hit the fan, just like it was happening now. I guess just here to try and connect with others who might get it. I never had anxiety before this happened. I handled my shit and let the rest just roll by. The new baseline is still so uncomfortable.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Having one of those off kelter days at my end....just wanted to say welcome and lots of good people here who understand. I understand too.
Sorry, not much to share today just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @almostthere83 welcome to the forums. :)

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Glad you have found this place.

How do any of ya'll deal with this stuff?

^Pretty much one day at a time. I gave up planning the rest of my life, or expecting plans to work out once I knew what I had. But, then again - one day at a time is okay... I am used to it by now.

Friends and family don't really get it. They try their best.

^ Yeah friends and family may not understand how you really do feel.

Ptsd can be incredibly lonely so I'm glad you do know that they are at least, trying. Many do not.

I guess just here to try and connect with others who might get it.

^Yeah.. most of us here will understand at some level what you are saying. :)

The new baseline is still so uncomfortable.

^My new baseline has changed and shifted so many times since I was diagnosed. I suppose it would have as I got older anyway but probably not like this. Adapting seems to be a valuable attribute to cultivate within oneself and particularly with this disorder.

I think you should be proud of yourself - that you have found the strength to ride through those times when it really does feel like you cannot keep going. It is worth it and it will be worthwhile.

We support each other here a whole lot... so when you feel like it, you can lean on us - anytime.

 

[scout86]

I thought I had that shit under control.

I can remember believing that! LOL And then it turned out there were more layers than I realized and it wasn't quite as "controllable" as I thought.

Are you still getting some therapy? It seems like, when you took the next logical step and went back to work, you shifted your perceived threat level up a notch or two. That's going to require some more adaptation and having someone in the real world to help you sort through it might help. What you're experiencing is probably pretty "normal", under the circumstances, and it will probably get easier to deal with time goes on. But a little extra help can't hurt.

Meanwhile, welcome to the forum! This can be an awfully useful resource and running things past the gang here can really help.

 

[almostthere83]

Having one of those off kelter days at my end....just wanted to say welcome and lots of good people here who understand. I understand too

Thanks for the reply. It's good to hear it's not just me from people other than docs

 

[almostthere83]

Hey @almostthere83 welcome to the forums. :)

..We support each other here a whole lot... so when you feel like it, you can lean on us - anytime.

Thank you for the kind welcome. I'm definitely proud of how far I've managed to come, though it gets clouded from time to time when symptoms kick up. Glad I found the forum, too.

 

[almostthere83]

Are you still getting some therapy? It seems like, when you took the next logical step and went back to work, you shifted your perceived threat level up a notch or two. That's going to require some more adaptation and having someone in the real world to help you sort through it might help. What you're experiencing is probably pretty "normal", under the circumstances, and it will probably get easier to deal with time goes on. But a little extra help can't hurt.

More therapy would likely be helpful, you're right. The workers comp system I was in used to pay for therapy until I was deemed at my maximum expected recovery, but I will check with my health insurance and see what I can manage. Good idea.

Its definitely odd to have the symptoms kick up in relation to other things, now. My psych warned me it could happen just as a reaction to normal stress, and I know she was right, it's the illogical nature of it that tends to distress me when it starts to happen. Which I'm sure is also common.

Thanks for the kind words

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, do I ever relate.

I thought I had that shit under control. I was deemed by docs to have found a "new baseline" and am considered a great example of what a recovery can look like.

I would disagree: baseline is fluid and always improving (but cyclical- there is an article on here very useful about the Stress Cup).

One of the biggest advantages you have is identifying 'that was then, not now' (not an easy feat!), and 'hearing' the negative self talk. Instead of listening to it, it has to be dismissed, but while still honoring how you feel (lousy, depressed, afraid, overwhelmed, frightened, etc-, fill in the blank). And then see how you can add self-care (real care, not getting drunk and trying to block it out, etc).

I can remember believing that! LOL And then it turned out there were more layers than I realized and it wasn't quite as "controllable" as I thought.

^^ Exactly. +++ For me, that's been decades, and preceded eventually falling to pieces. It's manageable, and gains can be made, even for longer periods, but not curable. It's decidedly sneaky and horrifying how it can convince (me) it's all over/ 'fixed' for good. :( (But the gains can be terrific, too. But a lifetime of long work and discovery, I think.)

Welcome to you @almostthere83 . :hug: