This makes me sick

[Casey_03]

I feel physically sick over this and am struggling to breathe. So, today is my son's first birthday. Nothing big was planned today, as it's easier for my sister to hold a party next weekend, so we decided to postpone the celebration. I was also asked to work today and agreed to, since I am desperate for money in order to survive. So I'm sitting here working, next to my son, who's happily playing with the new toys I got him for his birthday (I got them weeks in advance). And then my son's father starts emailing. He emailed to my work address, which I had long ago asked him not to use, and he used a new email address to contact me on it to bypass the block.

He was emailing to demand a Skype session with my son for his birthday, saying his family wants to wish my son a happy birthday. He acted like nothing ever happened in this email. The last contact I had with him was several weeks ago, when he accused me of child abuse and said his family was going to take my son from me, said he notified the department of human services that I am a child abuser and petitioned to have my son put into foster care, and told me he got a restraining order against me that means I can never be in touch with him or his family. (the bizarreness of that all still baffles me -- for one, the child abuse claims from a person thousands of miles away who has never been around or contributed in any way, and two, the need for a restraining order against me when he's the one contacting me all the time)

Anyway, I was immediately sick and am now recovering from about 30 minutes of hyperventilating. On my son's birthday, a sacred day. This asshole never bothered to contact me ahead of time about his desire for a skype session, gave no warning whatsoever, and just expects me to drop everything so he can get what he wants.

I'm so upset I can't even type anymore. I'm shaking so badly.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I can feel your anxiety in this post! I have been there many times with my son's own father, these type of people often like to make everything seem like an emergency and things have to happen right now, this second...but, just remind yourself it is not an emergency and just breathe :) It might be nice to let him Skype with your son but, since it is so last minute, don't let him make you feel like it has to be right this minute. Is it possible to maybe just give him 5 minutes, maybe after work when things are less stressful? If he doesn't like the time you pick, you could perhaps tell him you asked me the day of so, that's the best time for me. If you want me to be more accommodating in the future, please give me more notice.

 

[Casey_03]

Sorry, I guess I didn't make it very clear. It has me so panicked because he's my abuser and has been harassing me for months with threats of "taking" my son from me, and so on and so forth. His last email was him saying he reported me to child protective services, that my son is going to be placed in foster care, and that his family is preparing to "take" my son from me because I am supposedly an unfit mother. So getting an email that acts as if nothing happened, with a request for his family to Skype with my son (which would be the first tie they actually even "meet" him) .... has me alarmed. Before that, he filed a false police report accusing me of extortion, for what I don't know. And the list goes on and on. He has not been in his son's life in any way, has not provided support, financial or otherwise, and has only bullied me relentlessly.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I left an abusive husband as well and I'm so sorry he has you so panicked. I definitely feel for you! I know this may be hard to hear but unless the court says otherwise, he is the father, and is allowed contact. If he ever did go to court it will put you in a really positive light that you carried out this request however, if you denied him access that could only cause you problems down the road. I know it sucks! I don't know what state you live in but, in Florida lack of any financial support is not a reason to deny access between a parent and child. Think of it this way though, it is so great that he isn't asking to actually visit him but, is only asking for a quick skype session? You could even carry it out in a public place so he doesn't even have to see the inside of your house. Also, set your son up in a highchair or something for the session and you don't even have to be on camera and have a friend or family member stand next to you off the camera as a witness as to the interaction (both are things I have previously done) I know this situation can't be easy for you but, it does get better!

 

[Casey_03]

I've never denied him access. I let him visit twice, and both times he ended up threatening me and scaring the shit out of the baby. And most recently, when I offered to let him visit for my son's birthday, he refused because he didn't want to pay for a hotel. And no, he's not legally allowed contact -- he's not on the birth certificate and has made no attempt to get parental rights legally.

The problem with his Skype request is that it follows the pattern of all other contact -- he doesn't respect boundaries, makes impulsive demands with no warning, and if they aren't met, he immediately begins escalating and filing all sorts of false reports with authorities. In my book, once you file a false report accusing someone of child abuse (when there is no basis for this whatsoever and it's meant to cause distress), all matters should be handled in court from there on out and there is no longer room for any out-of-court agreements.

 

[Casey_03]

As for why he's not on the birth certificate -- he threatened to harm the baby repeatedly while I was in labor. This is not a man who cares about his child.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Oh...well if he's not on the birth certificate that's a totally different story and I didn't know about his threats to harm the baby... I am so sorry. Yes I agree with your above posts. If he is scaring you that badly maybe you should get a restraining order against him. Is there any way for you to get free legal aid and get this sorted out in court to give you finality/peace of mind? I would just ignore his email then or just email him back and restate your boundaries.

 

[Casey_03]

Yes, I've spoken with lawyers and they all said at this point, the best thing is to get a restraining order. I gave him so many chances to turn things around, seriously. Way more than most women would give. BUT now to get a restraining order I have to wait for a more recent threat. The lawyers said the judge usually only grants restraining orders if the threat was made in the last 24 hours, and this last email is definitely not a threat, so I have to wait until I get more documentation. (The problem is I had him using an email address I don't usually check, so when he sent threats, I got them all too late to file for a restraining order.) I hope that makes sense. I'm still very upset and maybe not making sense. Sorry.

And it's also painful because I never wanted to keep my son from his own father, and I still don't want to, but this guy doesn't want to be in his son's life -- he wants to cause chaos in mine.

 

[scout86]

Seems like Skype might violate the alleged restraining order. (You haven't actually seen one, have you? Just trying to imagine which court system he'd have used,, what with the ocean and all.)

Most likely, he's just blowing smoke and picked today to do it because he knows it's likely to provoke a bigger reaction. I'd quietly block the new address and move on. With any luck, he'll find another target some day soon and move on himself.

I'm sure glad he doesn't live in the same county you & LM do. Sorry he messed up your day!

 

[Casey_03]

Most likely, he's just blowing smoke and picked today to do it because he knows it's likely to provoke a bigger reaction.

That's exactly what it is. And that's why it's so frustrating -- because he presents it as if he's doing a "good" thing, wanting to see his son for his birthday, and I'm sure he's sitting there telling his family exactly that: "She won't let me see my son on his birthday! See? She's a terrible mother and blocking access!"

When in reality, his behavior has always followed this pattern -- he intentionally does things like this with no notice, no warning, to provoke a reaction and demonstrate that he "has the upper hand" and he is "calling the shots," not me. (He actually admitted that to me once -- that he won't allow me to think I'm calling the shots, so he has to keep demonstrating he's in control) There was also that time he just showed up in Ukraine when I was living there, with no warning, no pre-arranged agreement on his visit (even though he flew in from a different country). And of course, there was no regard for the fact that I am a very busy, single mother working nearly full-time. He did it exactly cause he knew it'd upset me, because he wanted to show that he's "calling the shots, and at the same time, so that he could present it to others as if he was doing a "good" thing in seeing his son, and I was a witch of a mother for getting upset.

 

[desiderata310]

has been harassing me for months with threats of "taking" my son from me

This...

he filed a false police report accusing me of extortion,

and this ...

He has not been in his son's life in any way, has not provided support, financial or otherwise, and has only bullied me relentlessly.

And of course this...

BUT now to get a restraining order I have to wait for a more recent threat. The lawyers said the judge usually only grants restraining orders if the threat was made in the last 24 hours

THIS is bullshit.

Take all the emails. ALL of them and anything else you have and go to the women's shelter and ask for assistance there getting your restraining order. The first one will be temporary. It's annoying as f*ck. Really they want to hear things like what he did in the relationship to hurt you. Then they are going to want to hear about the things he's done since you split to make you believe that your life or safety or that the safety of your child were in danger.

Judges are generally going to err on the side of being too restrictive of someone who is the abuser (i.e. granting that temporary order) Now, if memory holds, they are then served papers (this gets interesting if it's over state lines but it IS possible. I've done it) Those papers grant them the time to gather legal or whatever to clear themselves at the permanent hearing.

Once those papers are served, he can not contact you directly OR INDIRECTLY. If he does it serves your case- as it did mine. Indirectly even means family giving you messages. It includes ALL FORMS of communication.

Permanent can be anywhere between 3-5 or lifetime. You can appeal again. They usually go for the lesser time on that one.

Be aware that you will hear and or possibly SEE your abuser there. THAT is difficult. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt. it was pretty traumatic for me.

As far as child support, that's a different case, but if you can prove paternity, get him for that.

The thing is you have to be brave for your kid. It makes it ... different.

He has no parental rights. NO MORE VISITATION ANYMORE. Do you understand. NONE. He's a danger to you and your child and he's a flight risk. He's not stable. f*ck what the rest of the world thinks or says. Use the resources available to you locally. Get the help you need and don't let this motherf*cker do this anymore.

ETA. If you want help talking to someone who's been down this path, PM me.

 

[Abigail7]

Completely disengage and a lot of these issues won't keep happening.