This World

[vtap]

Hi

I've got to the point where I no longer want to exist. If only suicide was easy then I would have done it by now. But it frightens me so as things stand I can't see myself doing it. My mind as an adult is a mess due to childhood experiences, my cognition on the other hand seems impaired with previous recreational drug use to relieve emotional pain. I thus feel unemployable in the current job market which adds to my woes.

Recently I've started to question: Why me? Why is this my life? Why do I deserve this? Then I think there are much worse people in the world and I should be grateful for what I have. Great disparities exist in the world we live in, some people live a successful and happy life whereas others suffer with pain daily with seemingly no end in sight. Why is this so? Eastern religions believe in Karma to make sense of the good and bad in the world. Now this seems a nice explanation but there is nothing to suggest this is in fact true.

I then began thinking about the wider world where there is poverty yet in another part of the world I see people who are living with excesses. Then I thought how can I be content to be preoccupied with my own pathetic happiness when there are other people suffering out there. Is it human nature to be so apathetic to the suffering of others?

Us humans have many flaws and I find it difficult to accept the way the world is structured with good and bad people, events, actions that in many instances we have no control over. I would love it if someone woke me up and this world I see is just a dream.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure vtap, there are many disparities. The only thing I see is being aware of, and helping, with reducing the disparities within one's own corner or reality. Even one kind word here from you to another, or sharing your story, may help someone far more than you know. Perhaps that is part of your (the) purpose. We need to be all different and have different experiences so that all people ideally will be able to help (each) other, I think. There's all different types of poverty and needs and sorrows.

 

[Queen Boudica]

So true Junebug. Find your own corner, find your strengths (they are there, even if you do not see them now). Try to do good. Even a kind word can help someone and make the World of difference. There is horror everywhere. But there is good too and everyone can make a difference.

 

[shoulderblades]

how can I be content to be preoccupied with my own pathetic happiness when there are other people suffering out there. Is it human nature to be so apathetic to the suffering of others?

I often think and feel the same thing: how can I be so preoccupied with my own problems when there are people out there who have it so much worse than I.

I have to remind myself, though, that I am not those people. I am me. I cannot be anybody else but me. I can deny myself and the validity of my problems by comparing them to everyone else's problems all I like, but I still have to live with being me and having the issues that I have.

I also feel that my dismissal of my problems and my being convinced that my problems aren't anywhere as important as others who are suffering is linked with how my family (my abusers) frequently dismissed me and my problems as unimportant. I learned from them that I don't matter; I learned from them that the only worth I have is when I deny myself and pretend I don't have problems. Adding to that, focusing on how unfair the world is and wishing that this world we live in is just a dream is just another form of learned avoidance. It's a defence mechanism. For years, I've lived in that mode of avoidance - not able to cope with my issues and the things that have been done to me - and so hiding away from it all by comparing my traumas to others was another way to avoid dealing with my own life. It became a safe way of projecting my own sense of injustice. I did that when living with my abusive family because I had no other means of expressing the trauma I was going through, and I did it for years after I cut my family out of my life. Learned behaviour.

And let's not forget that we live in an abuse culture. We live in a culture where abusive behaviour is normalised. If it wasn't normalised, if we didn't live in an abuse culture, we wouldn't have issues like racism, sexism, misogyny, rape culture, ableism, homophobia, etc. Abuse is extremely systemic throughout our society; it's insidious, deeply embedded and so normalised that we are blind to it until we start to educate ourselves on what abuse actually is.

I question 'why me?' all the time. Why couldn't I have had a nice childhood? Why couldn't I have had a normal teenhood? Why did I have to be sexually molested at such a young age? Why was I born into the family that I was born into? Why this, why that, why everything? I keep asking 'why me?' because I am desperately trying to make sense of the things that have happened to me, and I am even more desperately trying to find my identity in it all - because the abuse I have gone through has truly fractured my sense of self. I have felt like a lost soul that doesn't belong anywhere for as long as I can remember.

We see these extremely unfair discrepancies - poverty in some nations, culture of excess in others, for instance - and we see injustice for what it is because we have lived our own sense of injustice. The abuse you've gone through and the abuse I've gone through are extremely unjust and unfair. I am deeply emotionally involved in social justice because I cannot stand to see others suffering. I cannot stand injustice. I cannot stand the pain that people inflict on others for their own selfish agenda, on any scale.

But I am still me. I cannot forget about me in all of that because even though I am just one person, I still matter. I cannot be a support to anyone else if I can't be a support to me first. I will never make sense of the world I live in if I don't aim to make sense of myself and my abuse first - because the abuse I've gone through is what's shaped me to be the person I am today.

There's a wonderful quote from Mark Twain: "Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." As a result of our own abuse, we become deaf and blind to our own ability to be kind to ourselves. But when we are kind to ourselves, we flourish and we become better able to put kindness out there into the world for others who need it.

Be kind to yourself, vtap. You deserve kindness just as much as anyone else in the world who is suffering does. :)

 

[vtap]

I'm not sure vtap, there are many disparities. The only thing I see is being aware of, and helping, with reducing the disparities within one's own corner or reality. Even one kind word here from you to another, or sharing your story, may help someone far more than you know. Perhaps that is part of your (the) purpose.

I agree that I should focus more on helping others but I find it hard to accept my past and even more so when I compare it to other people's. My past is stopping me from reaching my goals and I believe I can only achieve happiness if I meet these goals. Perhaps I should learn to be happy with what I have. Also reducing disparities within one's reality is something I find hard to do.

 

[vtap]

and so hiding away from it all by comparing my traumas to others was another way to avoid dealing with my own life. It became a safe way of projecting my own sense of injustice.

This is something I can't stop doing: comparing myself to others. I hate myself for not turning out like them even though that may seem irrational as I had no control over my past as a child.

We see these extremely unfair discrepancies - poverty in some nations, culture of excess in others, for instance - and we see injustice for what it is because we have lived our own sense of injustice. The abuse you've gone through and the abuse I've gone through are extremely unjust and unfair.

I find it so difficult to accept this though. To accept that this is the world we live in and this is my life and nothing can change that.

But when we are kind to ourselves, we flourish and we become better able to put kindness out there into the world for others who need it.

I guess I should have another go at metta meditation although I find it hard to do.

 

[ashdawn8287]

I find helping myself allows me to help others with compassion, which does make a difference, if only small.

The world does seem pretty apathetic. My justification for that is people don't want to think about the bad. And I leave it at that because it's the only thing that make sense. A lot of people are not educated or are misinformed about global issues as well.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Vtap, I remember well what you are describing.

It gets better, though it takes time. Has your therapist helped you work on a self-comfort & care routine? The more we practice it, the less dragged out we feel at the beginning of the day.

What three images used to make you smile? I love smiling babies, so I will google images of them to give me a little boost now and again.

 

[vtap]

Has your therapist helped you work on a self-comfort & care routine?

If you mean the safe place imagery then yes. She has helped with a variety of other things too.

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi Vtap, Welcome to the Forum.

 

[cherryblossom]

If you mean the safe place imagery then yes.

Clearly I can't speak for Blooms meaning, but to me self comfort and care means self-nurturing. Doing nice things for yourself, for your physical and mental well being. That could be anything from buying your self a bunch of flowers to taking a holiday/vacation.

Mostly it's the small everyday things, such as cooking a healthy and delicious meal, taking a long indulgent soak in the bath, going for a walk or a run, meeting up with friends/ family and having some fun. Read a book, play a game, find a hobby, see a film, do some gardening. . . . whatever floats your boat. But generally doing something that's good for either physical or mental well-being.

My therapist used to challenge me to 'be nice' to myself. It was tough at first, and still doesn't come naturally to me.

 

[mamachick]

I feel like you do. I dont like the world I live in. It seems like a cruel joke to have to survive being overwhelmed on a daily basis.

I try to remind myself of a time when I felt positive and valued my life and loved the world I live in.

One question you asked "why did I have to be born to the family I was"

I listened to some different religious/spiritual beliefs and one said that we pick our parents. It posed that while we were spirits, we actually chose the family we came into. At first I thought that was nuts so I explored the idea. Why in the world would I chose to be the illigitimate 5th daughter in a depressed family. Then I realized that I was both the family scapegoat, the youngest (clown), oldest when others soon left (responsible one), and I was the seeker of truth. I took the heat off of others. Some of this is consistant with my personality. I considered the validity. Am I shaped by my family of origin, or did I chose them for a purpose-as being born into a functonal family with a silver spoon would have little meaning to the person that I seem to be. Just a thought. When I believed this, I also had much more personal power and optimism, because I believed it was my choice. Now I am back to it just being a curse and finding no reason to leave my bed.