Thoughts On My Renewed Relationship With My Most Recent Ex.

[caliaviator]

Around 1am I got a text from my most recent ex (not the one that used my disorder against me) stating that she misses me and something was wrong. So I asked her if she wanted to talk about her problems, and she then stated that she wanted to be with me. This was completely unexpected, but something I also wanted regardless. I took her back and she was extremely happy. She also apologized for leaving me like she did, and I knew she was sincere.

Now on my end I was still shocked from my previous therapy session that completely quaked my world. I really wanted to be back with her but my emotions really didn't come out. It was like the emotions were just clogged. Couldn't say I was shocked, it was like... They didn't come out. I honestly want them to so that she would really know what she really means to me.

This time I want things to be different. She never really understood my disorder, she only knew that members in her family have PTSD and how not to get on their bad side. Though it wasn't enough to prevent the first breakup. Now I am going to sit down with her and really explain to her what PTSD really is, and I'm going to show her this site. This is a lifelong disorder and I feel the more she knows about PTSD the better she can cope and handle me whenever my symptoms reoccur. I want her to be part of my treatment and she wants to as well. I want us to be able to do this together, though it is really hard to bring myself to do it because part of me wants to fortify and the other part wants to open up.

I suppose that the best way to get in touch and feel love again is to actually do it, but I have yet to master tapping into my emotions effectively. I want her to understand while I do still love her I have these obstacles I need to overcome, but I am willing to learn how to do it again. I honestly hope she understands this, and hopefully by learning about my disorder both of us can make this relationship permanent.

Is there anything more I can do? Am I on the right track? There are so many factors in play right now, but one thing is for certain I want this to work. How do you keep a relationship strong with such a big obstacle? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[ronin47]

I think communicating with her more about your disorder will be paramount. I also wouldn't be afraid of asking her if she'd be willing to do couples therapy, if only once or twice. A professional might be able to more clearly and effectively explain to her the implications of PTSD in a relationship (and I don't mean that in a condesending way ;)). It could also help to identify specifically what caused so many problems on your last go around so that you can avoid them this time.

 

[caliaviator]

Absolutely, I'm just glad I got this second chance so that I can actually put all this into practice. I know you didn't mean it in a condescending way, :) and I wholeheartedly agree that a professional will be able to put this into words that I can't really communicate otherwise. I have a hard time organizing my thoughts and it would be great to have some structure in the explanation. Tomorrow I'm gonna spend some quality time with her, sit down, and really get everything out in the open. It will be hard, but either one of 2 things will happen: She'll understand and work through it, or she'll freak out and break up with me. In either scenario it still sets the tone for the future.

Of course there is still some residual pain from the last breakup, so that's something I need to overcome. I'll try to resolve those issues so they won't come back up.

 

[freakofnurture]

I hope it all goes smoothly. You've worked hard already to realise and understand what's happening with your psyche; it would be a worthy reward to have that come into fruition in the form of a functional, supportive romantic relationship :)
I know my husband helps me tremendously to deal with my PTSD. It's wonderful to have someone.

 

[The Albatross]

Wow Caliaviator, I'm glad I came back on just before going out. I'm really happy for you today and glad you're posting and working through it consciously for a better relationship. Great!

 

[caliaviator]

I'm really happy for you today and glad you're posting and working through it consciously for a better relationship. Great!

I'm certainly trying. There are still these trust issues that I have, and despite her telling me that she loves me, misses me, apologized to me, and said she's changed, it's still really hard to open up because I'm not sure if she wants to be with me because she loves me or she doesn't want to be alone (because she did tell me it sucks being alone so I'm sort of focusing on that). A great deal of trust has been lost because she knew about my disorder but bailed because I had an episode. Of course I did apologize for that, but I still don't feel like she's a permanent part of my life even though she said she's sticking around forever.

But I do believe that trust can be regained. I'm working on my end, and I really want to work with her in restoring that trust lost. If both of us show equal effort, me getting better and her truly taking the time to understand the issue, then I think it'll work. I'll ask her the questions tonight. I really need to know how she changed within a month, if those changes are compatible to what really is needed, if she wants to be with me because she loves me or doesn't want to be alone (or both). She shouldn't feel insulted that I want to know these things. I need answers to hard questions otherwise I won't trust. Ever. I also need to see if the actions match the words. I really don't want to be hurt again by leaning on someone that might do this to me again; It was devastating for me the first time, and not sure I can take it the 2nd time....

But at least she knows I want to work with her.

 

[caliaviator]

Here is an update, I do honestly think that I made a mistake trying to be with her, even at the same time I'm trying to figure out myself. This has also put me in a very vulnerable position to where if I actually did commit to a relationship that failed before it might do so again. Also, I have to work on myself, and I can't work out on a relationship at the same time. So in short, I made a mistake in committing to a relationship when I don't even know myself to where I'm emotionally independent.

Right now I rely on my closest friends and therapist to get me through the day and to get me through the turmoil that life brings. Attaching myself to my ex again is going to cause me to invest myself emotionally into her, and placing that much power in an unstable relationship and in the hands of someone who has the capability to cause me crashing down is catastrophic for my recovery.

So in light of these revelations I gave myself time to think, and when my ex called I told her that "I made a mistake by starting this relationship prematurely" so she stated "so you are breaking up with me." and I responded with "yeah." In a serious voice she said "once you break up with me we'll never get back together". It was very hard to do but I eventually worked up enough to say "I'm breaking up with you". There was a long awkward silence and then I said, I'm sorry; goodbye. A few minutes later she went off saying "you F**king suck and to think I was going to surprise you with a plane ticket don't ever contact me again". I didn't respond.

It was a mistake to get into a relationship and I honestly wish that I didn't say yes that night. I feel bad for what I did, but I honestly do not have the capacity to spread myself so thinly trying to work out myself and on top of that work on something else. I also believe that not wanting to be lonely or taking someone back and still being suspicious because of the pain caused from the previous breakup would be a foundation for a healthy relationship. I wish I thought this through at the time, but I didn't think about it at the time and it happened too fast. The first day it went from "I'm sorry I want to be with you and love you" to "I want to give you a BJ". This threw up a great deal of red flags for me. I hope in time she can forgive me and understand that I truly made a mistake, and I did this so I can recover.

I've learned a valuable lesson today, and I will absolutely think things through before committing to something huge like a relationship again.

 

[Cheshire]

I can see why you might regret having said yes at all, but if you hadn't, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to think of these things and come to this conclusion, and the fact that you've had this realisation and you're so clear about it is definitely progress, right? I'm not trying to sound all Pollyanna or "every cloud silver lining blah blah", but this really is one of those situations where it seems to me that more good than harm has come from it for you. Be proud of yourself for that. ((caliaviator))

 

[caliaviator]

She didn't forgive me. She messaged me back asking if we were really over and I explained to her everything and apologized for hurting her. But she was still angry and rightfully so. But I told her that I did it to spare us the pain in the future. Because if my recovery never happens because of all these factors then I won't be a better person in the end. Though she doesn't understand that.

I am proud that I had to make a tough decision that will work out for us better in the end, though hurting someone is never an easy thing to handle. I hope she finds someone great to spend her life with. I, however, have some recovery to do. You are right Cheshire, I am making progress. It's a painful road, but I am making progress *hugs*.

 

[Tinyflame]

caliaviator, hmm, -what are the words? You never mentioned that you loved her. I think you are correct in realizing your limitations, or more accurately your need to focus on managing this, but I also think without mutual love and respect and support not a lot of trust can be established. Those relationships end up as best distractions, but not much heart in it, and that may not be fair for the other person.
I think one needs to have a greater maturity, and be with someone the same, to understand and face or overcome what ptsd entails.

 

[caliaviator]

Junebug- She didn't understand what PTSD really is, and never did any research on it when we were together. It was the reason why the relationship ended the first time. It's like walking in a minefield without a metal detector, the chances of coming out ill prepared are slim to nil. I tried to prepare her but she didn't take the time to do it. As for love, honestly I may have felt lots of things but I don't think love was felt. More pain than anything. Distrust was also there. Care? Yes I did care about her, but it was because I didn't want to hurt her.

Though when I explained to her when she messaged me a 2nd time confirming the breakup she took it personal. She didn't see the reasons why I broke up with her, she only saw that I broke up with her and she was angry because of that. She wished me a "nice F**king life* and informed me my number was deleted. *sigh* it was for the best. God knows what kind of wreck I would of become if I would of stayed in the relationship without concentrating on my healing. And who knows what I would of made her into just by exposing herself to my untreated self. Maturity was needed, and I had to make the hard decision.

I suppose the biggest red flag was that she said "I knew I would have you eventually". That showed me my dependency and how detrimental it was to my emotional independence and recovery. I really had to think. But you're right realizing my limitations and needs is something that needs to take priority over relationships.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ya it's a potential mine field for both parties.