Thoughts On This?

[Al_Lurker]

What's in the past is not in the past if it affects your daily life or happiness now or in the future. If you have truly accepted the last part about what's done is and have found that it doesn't affect your happiness then that's good. I find that I need to face what few demons I have and slay them before I can be truly happy again.

 

[Ryn]

I think my response would be the same thing I always return to whenever I see a quote like this - nice sentiment, but what's the practical application? What does "goes away" mean? What does "revisit" mean? What does "accept" mean? That sort of thing. I second Ayesha - definitely depends on the situation.

My main issue, actually, is with the phrase "until you find the courage to revisit all the pain". The ability to process trauma isn't a matter of courage. And you're not cowardly or somehow less courageous if you struggle to "revisit all the pain". God knows we are all far more courageous than we could ever imagine just for surviving what we have survived and continuing to live under the weight of it. Yes, I struggle with lots of fear and lots of denial, but that doesn't mean that if I simply "found" courage and acceptance all my past would be resolved.

I just haven't been able to accomplish retelling without reliving.

mytai, I haven't either, and I suspect lots of us haven't. I don't know if the quote is right, that we have to eventually revisit in order to heal, however that looks - I'm afraid I just don't know. I wish I had a better answer for you, but know that's it's okay to feel stuck. It's not a matter of courage. Because you, my dear, are one of the bravest people I've met.

 

[Bedbug]

Thank you for those words on courage, @Ryn. I needed them.

 

[Echo]

I feel like this quote is backwards for those of us facing trauma. We don't need to go looking and facing up to the pain; it is in our faces and overwhelming us once we have PTSD. We have to learn to manage it and break it down and deal with it bit-by-bit. No-one, but absolutely no-one, could face all our fears and memories head on in one go. Anyone would be completely retraumatised. Our amazing, exhausted, super-strong bodies wouldn't have needed to suppress it all, dissociate from it, etc., if it could be done. I don't want to be presumptuous, because I know nothing about the author of those words, but, maybe despite knowledge of some really difficult things, I wonder if they have either no personal experience of trauma and PTSD or just haven't expressed themselves very well. Goodness only knows we don't need anyone else to tell us we are wrong, failures, weak, etc., all of which is not true, but I find those words very pressurising. And my therapist tells me I am so hard on myself and must stop beating myself up. I don't find the passage very helpful.

 

[mytai]

It's not a matter of courage. Because you, my dear, are one of the bravest people I've met.

Thank you Ryn. I like what you said about courage. Couldn't figure out what rubbed me the wrong way about that quote but I think you hit the nail on the head with the courage thing.

@Bedbug, me too.

We have to learn to manage it and break it down and deal with it bit-by-bit. No-one, but absolutely no-one, could face all our fears and memories head on in one go.

I agree with you Echo. I couldn't figure out what I felt about the quote after I read it, I felt really conflicted about it, but between you and Ryn I know what bothers me about it.

I agree with others before that said it is over simplistic. The general concept might be going in the right direction, but without further in-depth explanation the quote is completely off.

 

[atthree]

My PTSD was a single (simple) trauma and forgotten (suppressed) for decades.

Once someone said," You must of had something tragic happened in your life." sent me off reflecting on my past

 

[cherryblossom]

"An unresolved past never really goes away until you find the courage to revisit all the pain and accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past. What's happened has happened, what's done is done."

isn't this what we do in processing? (I know I did!)

I personally think Solara is spot on with this. That's what processing trauma is all about. Re-visiting the event in a controlled way, and assessing our emotions surrounding that event. It's the therapists job to help you to find a way to bring trauma memories to mind, and talk about them, whilst still being present (not disassociating). Your therapist should help you with the pace of the memories, and with managing the emotions as they arise to help you stay present. Hence why you need to build a good, honest and trusting relationship with your therapist, and also already have good relaxation and grounding techniques in place to help keep you present. A big part of therapy for me was to be able to connect with the trauma, whilst staying in the present.

Certainly, for me, a lot of my emotions revolved around self blame, "what if's", guilt and embarrassment. Overcoming those emotions, and placing blame with the right person helped me to accept that "what's done is done". From there I could begin to move on and start processing the other emotions, and start learning to live in the here and now, and not let trauma from my past dictate my whole future.

We don't need to go looking and facing up to the pain

Personally, I think we do. But in a controlled way, with a specialist trauma therapist, over several weeks and months.

I see absolutely nothing wrong in the statement you have quoted. Perhaps, I have read between the lines a little, but it is only a statement not an essay.

 

[Echo]

@cherryblossom - you have only quoted and responded to half of my sentence, so, to use that old phrase, you have taken what I have said out of context. Of course we need to face the pain, as you say in a controlled way with a specialist trauma therapist, but the point I was making is that, if that pain is up in your face, as mytai's is and as mine is currently, there is no need to go looking for it. We are facing it, we have no choice. The quote seems to suggest people might be avoiding it.

 

[Hashi]

"An unresolved past never really goes away until you find the courage to revisit all the pain and accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past. What's happened has happened, what's done is done."

Where is this quote from? Is it connected to a particular type of therapy?

 

[cherryblossom]

Sorry @Echo , I certainly didn't intend to take what you said out of context. I was just replying to something you said, which was relevant to what I wanted to say. I'm certainly not suggesting that

people might be avoiding it.

I was just explaining my circumstances, in the hope that it might help someone else. I was just replying to this thread. I don't know your history, or Mytai's history in detail.

My personal experience is that I spent years, and years in pain with all the PTSD symptoms. I was too scared to even start to open up in therapy, because I was terrified that 're-visiting' the pain in case it would further traumatise me. When in actual fact, that's exactly what I needed to do. I needed to process my trauma in a controlled way. I just wish I'd known that sooner, and hadn't wasted a decade of unnecessary suffering. And to be honest, when you are most suffering, is a good to time to start finding a therapist, building up a relationship, learning coping skills, and self-care, and getting yourself into a position to then process trauma.

I lived in denial for too many years. Things would be awful for several months at a time. Then eventually things would improve a little, and I'd pretend to myself that everything would be okay. But they weren't and instead of improving further, things would plummet again.

If pain is up in your face then please get the profession help you need. Don't make my mistake, and keep putting it off. I certainly didn't have the know-how to sort it out for myself. Going through 1 year of incredibly difficult therapy is both the hardest and best thing I've ever done.

I'm certainly not criticising anyone. All I can do, is express my opinion, based on my circumstances, and you can use or ignore what I say, as you see fit.

 

[Echo]

@cherryblossom - I can understand how awful that must be. How are we supposed to know what is best at first? My symptoms were so extreme when they first emerged that I had no choice but to seek help. It took me a long time before I realised the NHS here in the UK were not going to be able to help me, so I was trying to do as you were doing whilst waiting, just overwhelmed and not knowing what I should or should not be doing. I did though find a fantastic trauma therapist in autumn last year and I continue to work with her. My symptoms are still extreme, and I still have to continue to work to earn my living and pay for the therapy, so much of what we are doing is about coping strategies, grounding techniques and containment. She feels I am not yet safe enough in a number of ways to actually properly face the trauma, but it doesn't yet stop it battering me physically and emotionally.

I suppose it is all about stages in therapy. You are further on than me, I'm sure, from what you say. But, in the end, this is only one phrase that mytai found difficult. It is inevitable that we all respond to it from where we currently are.

 

[mytai]

@Hashi, I can't remember where it is from specifically. It wasn't about any specific therapy, I think it might have been on a blog I was reading.