Thoughts

[Naive_Pixie]

So, being new to the forum, I wasn't sure where the right place to post it was.

It's just something I wrote last night while listening to music and kinda zoned out. Afterwards I broke down in tears for the first time in years and actually cried. It felt... weird. Anyway.. here goes!

28th May.

There is never any time, or at least enough time, to just sit quietly and consider all. Not just what is happening, but what has been, and what will be.

That fact is suddenly just getting to me. I would just like time to stop, just once. For long enough to process everything, and catch up with time.

See, time is going faster and faster, I just wish it would cease to exist. It would be nice not to rush around, from one thing to another, and instead to stop and just let things be for a bit... We aren't meant to be here to just rush around, our lives were never meant to mean nothing. We are not here just to reproduce, or work mundane jobs just to survive.

It seems that in a world where everything costs something, people are always going somewhere, doing something. It's not that no one wants to just stop, it's that the world as it is today doesn't allow for it. Or at least that's what we are led to believe.

At least for me, I was born. I was born into a home of god fearers, people who actually FEARED god. So much so that they took every word in the bible literally – talk about fear, right?

To me, it was just straight up abusive. And at the age of 17, I finally left. Needless to say, I didn't realize the time I had had to just STOP, was gone. No teenager or child, ever realizes, that they should take advantage of the time they have, to just STOP, wait quietly, enjoy the serenity of nature and life – like it should be for everyone, child and adult alike.

I threw myself into a world I didn't know... A world I was never meant to 'know' but to help; but in order to help something, you have to know it first...

I've been feeling lately like my life is just a disappointment. That everything is meant to be painful and horrible.... like all the good I try to do has no point, and that all that I will ever get in return is just pain and sadness...

I mean, what is there left for me to conclude?? I left a religious home, with my open free mind, only to find myself in a vicious cycle of economic power, where the rich get more rich, and the poor and sick get more poor and more sick....

Of course I wasn't ever one of the rich, not that I'd ever want to be.

See, because my early life was far from balanced, that carried out into my adult life. Everything is still, far from balanced. But wait up – balanced is all I'm meant to be.. right?

Maybe not, I still don't have that figured out. Maybe I never will.

See I went from one abusive situation to another. From abusive parents to an abusive boyfriend... abusive friends, abusing myself with drugs and alcohol..

They say adults become a reflection of their childhood... I never believed it until now. Now I see it. And I don't want to live that way anymore.

I want to find a way to slow down.. not as society sees it, but how I see it. I just want to STOP. Put my world on hold. Have a chance to consider everything, as unfathomable as that is... The question is, with everything that SOCIETY tells me I have to do.. can I just Stop? It's all I want to do...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

OMG I can so relate, to it all. Most especially these two:

I threw myself into a world I didn't know... A world I was never meant to 'know' but to help; but in order to help something, you have to know it first...

I've been feeling lately like my life is just a disappointment. That everything is meant to be painful and horrible.... like all the good I try to do has no point, and that all that I will ever get in return is just pain and sadness...

And now, for me anyway, Im in a constant sprint to...what i hope is...whatever "recovery" is to me. But to just stop, stop my mind, stop my thoughts that both spin and come at me faster than a washer on the spin cycle. To stop...oh to just slow down a bit. What would that look like and feel like?

But then, can it even happen? Speaking to myself.

Such a good post. Thank you for reminding us to slow down and even stop and enjoy things like nature and some of the many missed good things in life!

 

[Whyteferret]

@Naive_Pixie
Balance is something we work for and comes over time. We never really be there fully: it's ongoing.

I like mindfulness. It slows me down and helps me get in the moment. Nature also works for that.

You can walk a different path than your childhood. Notice what is and do something different. Sounds easy but isn't.

It's a procss

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I like mindfulness. It slows me down and helps me get in the moment. Nature also works for that.

Yes, mindfulness (also known as DBT, or part of it anyway) def helps to slow down your mind. I havent done well at it but still working on it.

 

[Naive_Pixie]

@Naive_Pixie
Balance is something we work for and comes over time. We never really be there fully: it's ongoing.

I like mindfulness. It slows me down and helps me get in the moment. Nature also works for that.

I appreciate both of your statements. It's not just my mind that needs to slow down - it's my life in general. The hardest part of it is, is that slowing it down isn't really in my hands right now. So all I can do is try to learn to cope with the pace. Which is where I would rather time just wasn't a thing, so that I could just have a few moments to process the past, or at least some of it - before life throws more my way.

I feel like my life is so fast paced, no one could be expected to keep up - and that's why I just want to stop.

I tried mindfulness with my therapist when I began seeing her - it was a major trigger for me for some reason. I nearly jumped up and ran away as far as I could from that room. Star gazing and nature in general help to at least ground me, meditation helps too. I guess it's a different way of doing it.

Sometimes it's really difficult to find a light in the middle of a storm.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just want to STOP. Put my world on hold. Have a chance to consider everything, as unfathomable as that is... The question is, with everything that SOCIETY tells me I have to do.. can I just Stop? It's all I want to do...

I really relate to this. I probably have this thought at least once a day. I would kill to be able to freeze time for even a single day just to catch my breath, let alone get to work on the stuff I really want to address in my life.

Have you thought about starting a trauma diary, either a public one or for members only? They're a great place for this sort of freestyle musing and sharing.

 

[Whyteferret]

I appreciate both of your statements. It's not just my mind that needs to slow down - it's my life...

@Naive_Pixie
Everyone needs to find what works,for them. Nature and activity definitely makes it easier for me to ground also.

Anyway you can build some quiet time into your day? Maybe that can help a little.

 

[mrsps]

Hi Naive_pixie, its great to see another kiwi on here! :)

 

[Suzetig]

New Yes, mindfulness (also known as DBT, or part of it anyway) def helps to slow down your mind.

I think it's important to recognise that mindfulness an important part of DBT, but is one of four areas of work in that modality. It's also a separate entity in its own right. It's also worth knowing that while mindfulness can be helpful for people with PTSD there are people for whom it doesn't help and can cause increased panic symptoms, for example.

It might sound pedantic but if someone thinks mindfulness = DBT and they don't get on with mindfulness, they may think they can't do DBT at all, when there are many other skills that do help in the absence of mindfulness.