Three Years

[Audit]

Well it has been officially just over three years since my fantastic man has been locked away behind his PTSD. I do believe he has an excellent chance of recovery (which I know is rare). It seems that the only thing that stands in his way is his horrifically mentally damaged mother. I used to see this woman as the mother I always dreamt of having, but since her husbands untimely and brutual death she has been unable to move forward in her life. She is constantly guilting (lets call him Joe) him into spending the night with her and doing all of these chores for her as if he were her husband. This has left me feeling incredibly selfish and horrible for feeling anger, resentment and abandonment. I no longer feel as if Joe and I have a relationship anymore. She has stolen my husband and I am no longer able to see children or any kind of future while we are stuck in this situation.

Everytime he arrives back home from being at his mothers, he is distant and I do everything I can to provide support or distance depending on what his needs are. He will be doing excellent in his recovery until he is guilted back and then it is as if we are starting almost from square one again. I am unable to communicate these feeling properly to him as I am scared of adding to his stress and issues with his mother.

I guess I dont really know what I am asking or stating in this thread, but I just wanted to start getting this issue out to others that have similar experiences. Our lives are now so seperate and I often dream of taking him with me and running far, far away. I hate how I feel and I want to be able to do more to help Joe stand up to his mother and help her help herself. She has not saught after any treatment or councelling, as she doesnt seem to think it will help. All she does is go to her doctor (which is another thread of it's own) for new and different pills in some sort of attempt to drown her feelings.

I am going to cut myself off now, as I do not want this to turn into a book.

<Poll removed. There is a section specifically for Polls, in the main PTSD area. Thanks, Amethist>

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Eleanor]

Welcome to the forum Audit - I am a bit confused tho - does your husband have the PTSD or his mother? Or both?

 

[Audit]

Well, my husband does, but his mother has not gone to recieve any help and it wouldnt be a shock is she also had ptsd. She is definately depressed, she avoids leaving her house and all she talks about are the things she used to do with her husband. I feel completely stuck

<Quote directly above reply removed by Amethist>

 

[Audit]

Thank you everyone, I havent felt this supported for years. Its like a pushup bra of love

 

[Sandra]

I would to comment on that Audit but I think I will be good tonight. :laugh:

 

[wife of]

Welcome I too am a fellow supporter,can I just ask and I do not wish to sound inpertinant or patronising but have you ever lost a family member who you were very close to? IE partner or much loved parent/sibling. I'm just wondering what your take is on the grieving process.

I'm not saying your feelings are invalid,I'm just wondering if you perhaps do not comprehend some of thier feelings due to having not experianced grief to a similar extent yourself.

I've seen something similar before with a friend,sorry if I poked any sore points.

I presume from what you have written above that you did not have a close relationship with your mother?

From my own experiance I know that when a partner who comes from a close loving family is with a partner from a majorly dysfunctional family it can breed huge resentment in the partner from the dysfunctional family.

At first all seems rosey as the close family try to assimilate the partner into thier fold but as the years progress and the novelty wears off the closeness starts to feel intrusive and then turns into a case off "thats not right I never had that therefore it must be unnatural" . Then when a parent of the close family dies and the younger generation step up to support the survivor through a process that will take years for the healthiest of minds to work through.

Does your other half enjoy spending time with his mother or does he do it from a sense of duty? If he's comfortable with it then you may have to re examine your own feelings slightly so as to not put pressure on him.

If he is not happy with doing these things for his mom then yes he needs to learn how to leave her to be a little more independant or seek help elsewhere.

As for the periods of isolation,remember he too is probably still grieving the loss of his father on top of his ptsd(I dont know if ptsd has any effect upon the length of the grieving process) and isolation can also be part of grieving,its normal for a grieving person to have some re experiancing after being in familiar places where they spent time with the deceased.This is part of the mind turning the grief into fond memories versus the overwhelming loss.

Sorry for the length of this post and sorry if none of it applies.

Sue.

 

[Audit]

I understand, my family IS loving and I HAVE lost very important people in my life. The grieving process is not supposed to stay stagnant for three years, and no he does not enjoy going to the scene where he watched his father die.

I am sorry if I sound rude, but you DID hit a sore spot and I have had quite enough of people assuming just because I have a drug riddled mother that my family isn't loving.

<it is not necessary to quote the post directly above your reply. Thanks Amethist>

 

[wife of]

Nope was not presuming anything,just picked up on your remark that mom in law was the mother you never had and took it from there,sorry if any offence was caused,none was intended.