Time For Plan B

[Scarface]

I expressed my concerns and level of distress / suffering to my therapist and she told me that EMDR probably isn't sufficient enough for my level of distress and that my case is very complex and it could take years to overcome this. Then she basically told me in so many words that I need exposure therapy (which I refuse to show my scar) and to find a new therapist who is more equipped for me.

I have no hope. I'm better off dead.

 

[joeylittle]

Then she basically told me in so many words that I need exposure therapy (which I refuse to show my scar)

Exposure therapy would not necessarily be related to showing your scar. Prolonged Exposure therapy is another kind of approach for dealing with PTSD/trauma, and it involves telling and re-telling (and listening to) your trauma story, until it's no longer upsetting at all. (That's a gross oversimplification, but encapsulates the idea).

I'm sorry she has not worked out. You'll find many people here have had to go through a few therapists in order to get to the right one.

Is there one thing/person in your life that you can identify as being something/one you aren't ready to never see again, ever? As much as I am hurting, often, I have a hard time accepting that I wouldn't see my kitten grow up. That's been helping me, lately. And I know that's not going to take years, but it's enough for me, for right now.

Do you have anything like that?

 

[Friday]

And the one thing that keeps most people going in times of tragedy and sickness is hope. But I have none.

I don't have hope. I can't say I never have, I remember what hope feels like. Fundamentally, however, I don't believe in it.

Feeling good about something that hasn't happened, yet? Nope. Not only no, but hell no. Instead of feeling good about something that hasn't happened, may never happen, and the worst variation yet -angry about something that never happened- I work on feeling good about real things :D I work on changing my life so each and every single damn day I have something good in it. So that I can be happy about real things. A lifetime can be wasted hoping. I like action, instead. Today. What's good about today? If nothing? Then I need to make some changes. And then keep making changes. Keep changing my life until it's the life *I* want.

It doesn't mean I'm always successful. And the last thing in the world I am is patient. It drives me absolutely insane when I'm working towards something and it just keeps taking longer and longer, or I have to put something on hold for awhile to work on something else. It's hugely frustrating when I can see what I'm working for, and I'm just. not. there. yet.

I'm sure hope works for a lot of people. There's certainly enough written about it. But it doesn't work for me. I need change. I need real things. I need real action. Hope? Guts me. Kills me. Paralyses me. I hate hope. So I refuse to practice it! :D

What I'm happy about? May seem tiny and inconsequential compared to what other people hope for. Compared to what keeps them going. But what I've got? Is real. Nothing and no one can take it away from me, because it's real. Right here, and right now, it's real. Everything in the past? Equally real. Hopes can be dashed. They're just ideas, of how things "might" be. Give me how things are, no matter how hard, over how things "might" be. Because now I've got something I can work with! f*ck hope. :sneaky: Give me reality. Reality I can do something about.

 

[ladee]

I can not think of another site on this planet that would spend this much time, caring and sharing experiences to help someone who says she is doomed. Everything has already been said, with care and concern, with suggestions that have worked for all of us in one form or another... I will say, you do sound stronger than you did when your first started this thread.. I don't know what to say about 'hope'... I don't even know what that means anymore , even for myself... I just know this is the hand I was dealt... suicide will always be an option.
But I do know this, I DO give a big happy damn about other people... and getting out of my self does wonders for me.. I know you have not read any diary's on here... I'm pretty sure if you did, you might, just might, see that you are not alone in the feelings you are having... but it just seems more important to you to be Right, than to get it, that you have choices... We all hope you have a breakthru and find some reason to hold on... I also feel a simple THANK YOU to all the people who have taken the time and shared, found sites, ect, would go a long way... no one here expects a thank you.... Not even a little bit, but it would be nice to see those words coming from you.. but guess if I had to suggest it, well, nuff said... I wish you wellness, and the strength to make a difference in your own life. And none of us, you included, are better off dead... I don't choose to disappear five minutes before the miracle happens.

 

[Suzetig]

and she told me that EMDR probably isn't sufficient enough for my level of distress and that my case is very complex and it could take years to overcome this.

I get this bit, and I know a lot of people here do. I've been in this stint of therapy for 2.5 years, have had 2 others lasting about another 2 years and have no sense of stopping any time soon - my issues are complex and will take time to heal, EMDR hasn't proved helpful for the issues I'm dealing with and its a slow, at times excruciatingly painful process. Many people here have been working on themselves for much much longer.

In the time I've been in therapy my life has completely changed - mostly for the better, but it's still very hard. And it's hard work to change and grow and heal, no one came along with a fairy wand to make it all better for me and yes I've had times where I've felt very very hopeless, and I still do.

The point people are trying to make here is that for all of us our trauma, and it's scars, never leave us. Never. Thinking positively, getting over it, hopeful mantras - all bullshit compared to the actual work of healing. Healing that means looking my soul square in the face and picking apart what I believe to be true about myself and questioning it daily, sometimes second by second. Healing means knowing that people deliberately chose to hurt me, and trying to challenge the idea that I deserved it then and still do. And healing means daily challenging the idea that I'm damaged beyond repair, that I have no worth and nothing at all to offer the world, that people can see my shameful, wicked, scarred soul and are repulsed by me.

It is hard bloody work. I get the feeling of being better off dead, that your life can't ever amount to anything, that you're destined to pain and suffering. But it's not true. You get to choose whether to believe it or not and right now I know your choice is to go with how you feel. And honestly you might just not be up to putting in the kind of work you need to heal. That would be a shame, but I can understand it. Who would "sign up for" the very hard work that is trauma therapy if they had a choice? I don't know anyone who, seeing the depth of pain I need to go to in this process, would choose it willingly, but my other option is to mark out my time here waiting for life to be over.

Btw I did try the "waiting for life to be over" thing too. Healing is better.

 

[joeylittle]

@Suzetig - I wish I could 'like' your post repeatedly. Like, like, like.

 

[shimmerz]

that my case is very complex and it could take years to overcome this.

I was told this as well. It was very disheartening. Life hasn't been easy but it has been worth living. I have scars as well from an operation at 4 days old. Horrible scars. Thing is, most of what I have learned is that if people are judging me, they aren't good people for me. There are lots of accepting people out there. The key though, is that you accept yourself. Otherwise you project your feelings onto people who could give a rats ass about the scars.

I say you shouldn't be giving up until you work on how you feel about them. I find for myself that all the insecurities I have about myself I can easily project into the scars.... work on those. It doesn't take as long as you think if you stop thinking this is about everyone else.

 

[Sideways]

Yes, it is likely to take years. But that doesn't mean things aren't going to get better for years - things improve gradually.

I've had a therapist tell me I'm too hard (more than once actually) and I felt complete despair at the time. But looking back, it was definitely good for my T to be up front with me, that I was outside their area, than to continue on with therapy that wasn't going to get me anywhere.

You're getting a mich clearer picture of exactly what kind of support and assistance you need. So try and use it as an opportunity to find someone better placed to help you. They are out there. Don't give up.

 

[Stickler]

We do all want you to find your way through this.

 

[The Albatross]

Yup, What Stickler said.

 

[Scarface]

After this latest failed therapy attempt, I really am thinking of ending it. The light is getting bleaker and I have no hope. Our lives are so insignificant in this vast universe anyway. It's only a matter of time before we all die. No point in Living just to suffer. What the f*ck is the point of life anyway? To ultimately suffer and die? Because no one is immune and everyone will get hit with a tragedy eventually. I wish I would have died in my accident. I would never known this hell on earth. It would have been a quick transition to where I'm ultimately going anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

So life is only worth living if there is no adversity?

@Scarface - you are in a depression. Depression really, really f*cks up all thought processes. I'm not saying that without the depression everything would be peachy-keen; but you are not capable of thinking clearly or with balance right now.

Things I wish for you:

I wish you'd use the rest of the forum. Maybe learn about how to attack certain kinds of thoughts. Maybe share more openly in other forums about all the things in your life. Connect with members here on a topic other than suicide.

I wish you'd lose the attitude that your trauma is uniquely un-treatable. I think getting out of this suicidal headspace would help.

If you keep insisting that your life is over, then you do nothing except make it become the only possibility.

And I cannot tell you - or probably get you to believe me when I say - that I have spent many many years of my life in the headspace you are in. I was irreversibly physically damaged. I have scars. My genitalia were mangled. Now - that's not my face. But honestly? I'm not sure it's any less shameful. When I speak, some of the muscles in my face don't work right. I'm freakish when I talk. And yet how I see it and how others see it - 2 different things.

It's work to remind myself of these things, and more. I don't know why the f*ck I'm still trying to stay alive. But I know that if I reinforce the suicidal headspace, it just gets worse and worse.

I wish you would try reaching out in the other direction. There are so many members here with so many different stories, experiences, scars, injuries, and also wisdom, kindness, patience, suggestions, empathy.

Is this thread the only one you read, here? There's so much more. Again - it's not gonna 'poof' it all away. But it's always small steps, one foot in front of the other, and practicing turning your mind away from the illusion that death is better. Because that's an illusion.