Time To Move On

[Arete]

So 5 years ago I was very sick with chronic heart failure and undiagnosed PTSD.

This combo made me torpedo my research career, and I got into conflicts with everyone around me followed by open heart surgery which was the end of my other passion namely martial arts

It has taken me a long time to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. And now all I have left is letting go, and I was ok, right until the research-team that I was a part of those years ago, mentioned me in their acknowledgements and a new career-opening in research has opened up.

Now I am filled with regret about the worst mistake and crash I had in my life so far, and I am afraid I will do it again in this new project. But mostly as profound feeling of sadness and loss has hit me. A sort of "it really happened and I will never be the same, no matter what"

In 2011 I lost my career and my health all in a couple of months, martial arts and research was my whole world and both of them stopped så suddenly.

I know it is time to move on, I know that I will never get the opportunities back that I have lost, but the rest of my life is here now, I even got myself a masters degree in law while getting back to good health and learning to handle my PTSD but I don´t think I can ever regain my confidence or the joy I felt in martial arts and researching.

How can you trust yourself when you know that the biggest danger to all your plans is your own psyche?

Guess I will try to accept everything that has happened, maybe someone here has picked up the pieces and moved on in their life.

I would really like to hear your advice.

 

[Deleted member 33023]

I was diagnosed with PTSD three year ago. I didn't take it seriously enough. I feel that because I didn't take care of my skeletons in my closet so to speak it created an unworkable solution. How do you really know there are no more opportunities left? I have been on the job market now for six months. In the past i would interview and be offered every position. Now, nothing but rejection. I just went to a round of interviews (which always puts me in a panic) and the first company immediately rejected me. The recruiter called and asked "what did you say?" I totally freaked out. This was probably the first incident that caused me to have my recent breakdown. All day my heart is beating out of control. My hands are whacked because they are so grossly sweaty. But out of the blue I was called by another recruit to interview at a company I would love to work for. Seriously six months of interviewing and nothing and then when I felt this is it something came through. I received three calls for interviews at other places. So there is always hope there is something out there for you. Please don't give up.

I always keep in mind I have an illness that makes my brain do weird emotional and physical things. I know this now and I accept it. I don't know how long I will have it. I will and must live with it. PTSD is NOT me. I am me and when my PTSD in under management I am in control. I will have to take care of myself like crazy and for the first time in my life put myself first. This is very hard to do.