Tip Toeing Around Family....

[BlackbirdSinging]

Oh, how we are so on the same page with this....lol. I love how you put your feelings so clearly into words. And I'm so glad you're in here :)

So, if I shift my perspective to that, then I find myself wondering why you tiptoe at all...for me it was about avoiding something.....but can you identify for yourself what the motivation is for you to do the tiptoeing in the first place? That may help to give you some insight as to what you yourself can change :) It's hard work, but so worth it :)

We really are on the same page and I like it! I'm very happy to be here. My experience was a little different than yours. I had PTSD for so long and had no idea what was going on. I was confused on top of dealing with the symptoms. So, when I got my diagnosis a month ago I was relieved. I'm not a special kind of crazy after all! As a good friend of mine said to me.. "you're not nuts... you're traumatized". There was freedom in that statement for me.

I agree that the dance around PTSD is about avoidance. It was for me too. I feel now though like if I'm really going to do this I can't avoid any part of it anymore. Maybe I have to pace myself. But, so much of my struggling came from avoiding and being silent. I don't want to say too much and trigger myself.. I'm good like that sometimes.. but, for me a lot of the really big heavy garbage was in the darkness that I worked for literally decades to hide and avoid. A shift has started for me when I stopped being silent. And when I stopped worrying about trying to hide just how much I was struggling.

 

[KatB]

From what I have learned about complex ptsd (otherwise known as DESNOS) and ptsd itself, it's a mental disorder. Call it disease,mental illness: I call it a distorted brain with broken memories,(c-ptsd).

I think that a lot of avoidance in my family is their own acknowledgment about their own ptsd. Also, the blame that you are not the same person and that you've changed drama.

I've personally gotten to the point where no matter what I try,say or do, to "convince" or let them know my condition, Its useless to break your back over and over if you are doing all the giving and no receiving. Its fighting a war, a battle that has been lost. The anger that fuels me is their ignorance: they're letting the bad guys win and get away. Do I make any sense?

I just don't have tolerance for bullies, abusers, life-suckers, or hypocrisy anymore. Love is not laughing at the person's hurt; its about being responsible and held accountable for wrong doings. The Bible expresses that love holds no re records of wrongs and neither does it be bitter; its not anymore than love than it is to know limits and what shouldn't be tolerated....

 

[Lady Vet]

My experience was a little different than yours. I had PTSD for so long and had no idea what was going on. I was confused on top of dealing with the symptoms. So, when I got my diagnosis a month ago I was relieved. I'm not a special kind of crazy after all! As a good friend of mine said to me.. "you're not nuts... you're traumatized". There was freedom in that statement for me.

Blackbird...we're not as different as you are thinking. I lived with undiagnosed PTSD for 27 years! And I went through probably a very similar crazy-making life! I kept going to the doctors & therapists because of the panic attacks, then chronic insomnia & nightmares, but basically I kept getting told that I needed to learn to relax! My husband thought I was crazy...and divorced me...but it wasn't until last year that I was correctly diagnosed. (1st turning point) And it wasn't until this summer when I was connected to a biofeedback machine that was measuring my physiological relaxation as nearly perfect while at the same time I was having panic attacks that I finally understood that my PTSD is NOT about me not knowing how to relax! (2nd turning point) Finding this forum was the 3rd turning point when I started reading about my life in the words of other people!

And when I was able to "feel" the truth of your own words "you're not nuts...you're traumatized!" I experienced that same liberation, and it immediately changed everything for me. I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me, the fear of which was what kept me in my silence & avoidance, because the secret question I kept trying to answer in isolation and darkness was, "What's wrong with me that I can't learn how to relax?!" The frustration and shame I felt for 26 years is what kept me tiptoeing around myself!

I LOVE this forum, how it opens up the doors between people who have also lived in silence & isolation trying to wrongly find the answer to that question of "What's wrong with me?"

Margo, you will continue to tiptoe as you need until you can see what the question is that you're walking around with trying to answer for yourself in shame and silence, until you, too, learn that there is nothing wrong with you, that there is something wrong with the way that your brain is processing the information in your world. So we are all here to walk with you while you tiptoe through the tulips around you...lol.

 

[Lady Vet]

I just don't have tolerance for bullies, abusers, life-suckers, or hypocrisy anymore.

Kat...I love this truth. Because intentional or not, people who don't understand PTSD can absolutely turn into psychological bullies. Blessings to us all on this journey to ourselves!

 

[Britt.f7]

So, like I said...once I, myself, stopped thinking of it as mental illness, then I no longer cared what anyone else thought about it

Even if you felt it was a mental illness, what would be so wrong with that? Some famously smart, creative people have been diagnosed with such. Regardless of whether it is or not, no one should carry shame at being labeled with a mental illness(personally I hate labels), any more then they do with a physical illness. Not that I wear a badge for either the mental or physical illness I suffer.

I've tip toed around my family my whole life about a whole range of things. Eventually I stopped doing so, or doing so as much. I was really worried this year when I had to tell my dad and my sister that I had to be institutionalized for awhile. I felt that they would put me down, as, usually, they are the type to say "get over it or get a grip". They didn't. They were actually supportive. Have to say that really wowed me.

I hope your family comes around. If they don't, please know that has nothing to do with you. Their choice at remaining ignorant is nothing you can change. You can only deal with how you react to them. Frankly I think that is where my sarcasm sometimes shows up. Either that or the complete look of disbelief written on my face. ;)

 

[margo]

I have been in deep denial of my ptsd until a few days ago. I have always had it but was diagnosed in 2007 by two doctors. When I told my family though I had no clue what it was but knew vets could have it after war...everyone just nodded and that was the end of the conversation.

The reason why the tip toeing? Very simple, I love certain members of my family. They have been very good to me my whole life. The sister who tells me to pull up my boot straps was also the very person who stop the two siblings who sexually molested me. She is also because I was put in a closet at the age of 4 and men came in and sexually molested me would allow me to sleep with her almost every single night from 7 to 12 and a lot more after that until I was 14. I had countless nightmares and terrors unless I could sleep with her...I was safe with her (she is 8 years older than me). And for a bonus I was a kidnapped child (by a parent and later confirmed that my biological father would kill every member of my family) since the age of 2 and lived never longer then 3 months in one town. I am not so quick to cut off ties with her because even now she is one of thee best people I have ever met.

Ptsd is all I know and yet had no idea what it was. Just learning that for the first time. This forum has enlightened me beyond my imagination. Full of information, overwhelming kindness and support. I am very new to any of this. Though my bouts with ptsd are not new but learning to understand why I have them are just astounding to me.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, this thread is packed with a lot of information I have yet to even process. Forgive my errors, I don't have a spell checker on my phone and my education was very limited because of the way I grew up so I am embarrassed when I make errors.

Sincerely,
Margo

 

[Lady Vet]

Even if you felt it was a mental illness, what would be so wrong with that? Some famously smart, creative people have been diagnosed with such. Regardless of whether it is or not, no one should carry shame at being labeled with a mental illness (personally I hate labels), any more then they do with a physical illness.

Britt...thank you for saying this...because I think you're right. So I need to delve deeper into my own beliefs about what that would mean for me to wear a badge that reads, "I have a mental illness" (not that I would ever wear that badge, but you understand my point). What I think will help me to hold myself accountable now is that having stepped outside of whatever beliefs I have about having a diagnosis of a mental illness and finding great personal strength and fortitude, I can now question those beliefs and hold myself accountable for them in a way that I wasn't able to do when I was still lost within them.

I love the great strength and wisdom that I find in this forum. And I don't know why this is so, but I am much more receptive to you telling me that than I ever would have been had my trauma counselor tried to hold me accountable for that belief. You are saying that because you've actually been there and walked through that fire, where she has not.

There is so much more power and wisdom to be found from the experience of a fellow fire walker!

 

[Lady Vet]

Ptsd is all I know and yet had no idea what it was. Just learning that for the first time. This forum has enlightened me beyond my imagination. Full of information, overwhelming kindness and support. I am very new to any of this. Though my bouts with ptsd are not new but learning to understand why I have them are just astounding to me.

Margo...we are all here learning from each other both about what PTSD is, and also how we are all affected in similar but unique ways. I am so glad that you have found your way here, and I hope that you find exactly what will help you along the journey. And the best that any of us can offer in support is to share what our own journey has taught us...so take what helps, and leave the rest :)

But rest assured that you are not alone...so if tip toeing around family is what you need to do to take care of yourself right now, then you tip toe for as long as you need. I am serious :) And when the day comes that you no longer feel the need to tip toe, then we'll be here to walk with you through that part of your journey, too :)

Blessings!

 

[Britt.f7]

You are saying that because you've actually been there and walked through that fire, where she has not.

Thank you for saying this. When I first saw the alert showing me you quoted me, I started worrying about how I might have sounded. I thought that maybe you would take it offensively, and I surely didn't intend for that. There are few subjects in my life that I am passionate about and mental illness is one of them. I'm sure that is because I've lived around enough people who put people down who suffered from them or didn't validate those people(myself being one of them). I couldn't believe I married a man who was so opposite of that. He helped me get through that doubt and shame. I still fight it though.

You are right about this forum and finding and listening to people who have gone through similar things as you have. It is much easier to hear and listen to people who you know understand your circumstances then people who haven't walked through the fire.

Again, thank you for your understanding. I really, truly, appreciate it.:hug:

 

[Lady Vet]

When I first saw the alert showing me you quoted me, I started worrying about how I might have sounded. I thought that maybe you would take it offensively, and I surely didn't intend for that.

Britt...I completely understand that feeling....lol. I actually had the opposite reaction...as I was able to take in what you said because it was you who said it. It's just funny how I have been able to "own" my PTSD only by denying that it is a form of mental illness...lol. Still more work to do, but such is the nature of PTSD...a journey to hell and back again. :) I very much appreciate your honest feedback. :)

And a note to Margo on this little bit of a sidebar conversation between Britt and me within your thread: It's an amazing gift this thread blesses us all with. I would have continued to deny certain aspects of my diagnosis, which means that I would have been tip toeing in darkness around my own self. It is a long, hard journey to fully own the truth of PTSD in the light of day, and perhaps I'm not as close to doing that as I have been thinking. I only hope that the conversations that have taken place here are as helpful for you as it has been for me, personally. Thank you for the gift of enlightenment :)

 

[margo]

No....please continue. I really don't mind. I am learning too reading what everyone wrote whether it is about the thread topic or not :)

So a big thank you all!

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

For me personally whatever classification PTSD falls under it's freeing to me to have the diagnosis. As many others have been.. I too was so confused by the symptoms I struggled with for decades. Now I know that it has a name. It has treatments and support groups. That is so validating to me. To be able to call my symptoms what they are.. by name.. to myself or to someone else if I choose to.. makes asking for support so much easier. Before my diagnosis if I tried to ask for support I was unable to identify or explain what I was feeling or why exactly. I couldn't say that I was having a flashback and was overwhelmed with anxiety.. and now I can.

Whatever PTSD is I have it. And I have seriously considered getting the PTSD awareness ribbon tattooed to me. Not to wear it like a badge. But, because SO much pain and confusion and loneliness and depression came from not speaking up. Quiet is how my abusers wanted me. Speaking out seems to be where I'm finding some kind of strength. At least for now. For me to call it what it is and speak up releases me from imposed silence and acknowledges that no matter from who or for how long.. I fought like h*ll to protect myself and survive in some way.