General Tips on maintaining clear perspective

[NaeNae75]

I've re-read all of our messages, I'm now seeing a timeline of issues for your partner.

Given hi...

Amen, brother - peach it! I believe you're pretty darn close to accurate. First of all, I'm going to point out that it is about 2330 my time, and he said he won't be home for 15 minutes or so. Needless to say, he used to complain about his ex having LK out late, but is doing the same thing, no matter how he's trying to justify it. It isn't healthy for him to be out until almost midnight than up for school at 0645. Grrrr

Thank you for "letting me off the hook". There are plenty of things I can do better too, of course - but relationships are a two way street. He really does have a LOT of work to do, and he's avoiding the hell out of it. The only time he was seeing someone regularly was when he came back from the last deployment, and because of his PTSD status post deployment, they wouldn't release him right away. He spent 5-6 months going to therapy 3 days week, with some of it being biofeedback sessions. He was getting better then, but still never faced anything.

He admits that in his sessions with the VA, he doesn't bring up much/any of his issues in his personal life. He really is doing himself a disservice. I asked him why he's so adamant about the co-dependency thing, and to explain it to me so that I can understand how it isn't about my issues. He told me he would, we'll see. I'm interested in seeing his POV on this.

For his health, and especially his son's he really does need to face this stuff. As far as for me, I'm not as worried. I get it, I don't like it, but I get it. Once he's in a less stressed frame of mind, and not as triggered - I'll bring up some other resources I've found around here. If I bring it up now, it'll just get dismissed and cause a fight, so not too much of a point.

So, thank you, I appreciate it as always. You're right, it's an uphill battle.

PS (sidenote) I just got news that my 21 year old son just got the position he came home to apply for with Canadian National! He's with Union Pacific in Wyoming right now...He's over the moon. I'm so glad he'll be closer to home! I guess now he has to get a passport to travel back and forth between the States and Canada! He'll be closer to home, gets a raise, and a $10,000 sign on bonus because he's already certified!!!!

 

[FragileGlass]

Congrats to your son. He will have an easier time getting into Canada than back into his own country! I won't name names! ;)

I haven't gone into the full story of my sons. It makes me wish I could find a way to connect to your partner to rattle him a little bit and chat with him uniform to uniform, father to father and try to wake him up. He needs to face it and stop laying it everywhere else. Please do let me know what his definition or rationality of co-dependcy is.

His behaviour is classic protective father. He's gripping on to every moment he has. That's his deployment coming into play. I wish I could fish that out of him. I probably could given my history.

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you! Oh, I know the names, I've been living with him (on and off :banghead:) for the last 8 years, LOL!

It would be nice. He has removed himself from most of his friends now too. He could use a "buddy" more than he realizes, likely. I will definitely let you know once he "enlightens" me.

We spoke briefly tonight once he got in. He called me to tell me the procedure to get my son's passport expedited. He told me, "I don't want to sound terse or blow you off, but I'm exhausted and would like to go to bed, if that's okay." I told him that was fine...and we said our good-nights.

Thank you for helping keep me calm in such a stormy time. I generally see things much more clearly and concise, but not when I'm up to my neck in an undercurrent. But I can tread water with the best of 'em!

 

[FragileGlass]

Well I'm absolutely willing to put myself on the line. While I know we don't know each other on a personal level but if you were able to find a way for your partner to chat with me in some way. Even if it was in this forum, in light of my industry anything he would say would not surprise or damage me. Especially since he's pulling away from others on personal level. He might find some comfort in anonymously laying things out. If anything I'm supportive of both of you in going forward to a future with less conflict. :)

 

[ms spock]

Have you looked at David Burn's book on distorted thinking styles? "Feeling Good"?

 

[NaeNae75]

Have you looked at David Burn's book on distorted thinking styles? "Feeling Good"?

Nope, but I will now! I'm always willing to read anything!

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I'm the sufferer and see myself berating and bullying those around me when I'm triggered. I'm so convinced that I'm horrible and wrong that anyone that supports me must wrong, too. I find I transfer my aggression from the imaginary attack to those who say things that don't make it better, regardless of whether their trying to help me.

I think the most important thing to do is get the sufferer to acknowledge they are triggered and to help them to calm. They literally feeling like they are fighting for their lives so this is hard.

Honestly, though, sometimes, I just need acknowledgment that I'm experience something very serious and very real for me, then offer a soothing and calming environment, medicine and patience until it takes hold.

For me, it helps if I talk to my therapist ASAP. She knows how to get me to acknoeledge the pain which helps me to calm so we can analyze the situation. When I analyze it—writing down what the situation is, what are my feelings about it, why I have those feelings, why I think it is occurring (relevant present and relevant past issues), what is it making me do (behavior), how do I resolve it—I can distance myself from the feelings and look at the issue from outside.

 

[anonymous]

I'm the sufferer and see myself berating and bullying those around me when I'm triggered. I'm so c...

When I'm triggered, that's how I try to handle things too. But I've been doing this for a long time myself. Last night was rough for me, so I came into chat, and everyone helped get me grounded.
He only goes to therapy sporadically. His next appt isn't for 2 weeks and bytes only been once or twice in the last 6 months. But he went to that CODA meeting this morning, fir what thats worth.
I guess it's better than nothing, but he needs to focus on the issue at hand. But I can't make him. At least he has an appt scheduled. But he's only talking about going every other week...a friend suggested a local outpatient/ inpatient group close to us that the VA will pay for... hopefully when he settles down he'll consider it.
I am still a little numb from yesterday, but I can feel little bits of normal coming back to me right now...I don't feel normal, but ligic and learned behaviors are starting to take over in the meantime.
I keep a journal too... it's the only thing I have for any reference. I know I can't keep doing things this way. He has to do his share and put some work in this time. I don't want to walk away, but at some point it might be the only thing that will make him really look at himself and stop focusing on me.

 

[NaeNae75]

When I'm triggered, that's how I try to handle things too. But I've been doing this for a long time m...

I must have hit the anonymous button... the above reply is me...

 

[Buttercup]

NaeNae I was so confused!! :confused:

I'm so sorry you had a rough night but feel glad you were able to get grounded here and with your own tools. That's great to know.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[NaeNae75]

Thank you, my dear! This place and a women's PTSD group I go to at home help more than anything. It's being around people that really get it! On both sides

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't want to interfere, as I know it's the supporter section, though I'm not unfamiliar with that role, and deal with it myself, but I just think @LisawithPTSD is correct and has said it to the core.

My only other understanding (learned) is I think we try to understand and explain others and ourselves too, through or with the (limited, relatively speaking) repertoire of knowledge we have. But we can never tap in to what we don't realize even exists; that grows as we ourselves (and science) understand more. Only he, and yourself, know best how you feel, what you are thinking, and perhaps understand (imperfectly) why. Which I think is why communication and respect is one important part. Everyone is different.

Hugs to you in your need, and for persevering. :hug:

(PS, long unnecessary story but I went with my dad to work from 1am on, and every day we'd eat a cake after 9 am when the stores opened! And we were both skinny (and not Diabetic! :rolleyes: ) , and I was straight A's in school, and happy and many friends. It was a blast and a (the) real one opportunity paradoxically I could be a child. I treasure the memory, and how unorthodox it was, and that is very much 'me'. I heard something once, "We live as though tomorrow is guaranteed; it is not". Whatever decision, because obviously you weigh it very carefully, you ultimately choose, make it the best for you, xox. )