General Tips on maintaining clear perspective

[NaeNae75]

I have been contemplating your posts and reflecting based on my own past and the scenario of your...

Yes...absolutely yes. I don't find this misogynistic at all. Although I work in a traditionally make field, I learned I couldn't excel until I embraced my femininity in coordination with my masculine field. When I tried to be tough it didn't work right because it wasn't authentic. Androgeny want the answer either. Embracing my differences helped me flourish. So, needless to say, this doesnt offend me.
Plus I want to go home and have him be the man. Problem is, it doesn't always translate well, admittedly. I agree with your synopsis...I truly feel his masculinity is damaged, and try though I might to help him mend it... it is still broken.
But in the meantime, I can't just let everything fall apart so he can fix it. He is a very nurturing man... and has more of a sensitive side than most men. His ex was both physically and emotionally abusive. He woukd never hit her back both because she's a woman, but also to not jeopardize his career. His ex wife accused him repeatedly of being homosexual...still does, and now started accusing their son of the same. It troubles both of them (reasonably so) I try to take a different approach. I tell him, and truly believe that his willingness to be sensitive in his role as an officer is brave and takes courage. I'm proud of him for that.
I think the fact that his son recently decided he wanted to play with barbies is secretly killing him...He doesn't realize that a lot of his sons reason for doing it is to " pi$$ of" his judgemental mother. The second any of his friends are around the get hidden... the only time he reallyplays with them is with my 2 yo granddaughter.
So there is sooooo much shame and guilt hes holding on to that its heartbreaking. But he's going to have ti work the through it. All I can do is watch my reactions, and be supportive.
Honestly the POV you're enlightening me to is genuinely helping me soften my heart to his side.

 

[FragileGlass]

Co-dependency doesn't always require an addiction to substance. It's also related to mental health issues.

Most of us PTSD sufferers go through periods of minimizing our trauma compared to 'others', I've only been working in this industry for a few years as opposed to some of my colleagues whom have put in long term service 10 years plus. So I constantly minimize my damage because I know someone has it worse. This helps me feel both weak and also not as bad off as others. Sometimes I use the minimization to feel better or that I just don't really have it that bad.

With your past, your partner is minimizing his trauma by saying he feels guilty as you had it worse. He understands the difference between the horrific things we encounter and the impersonal detachment we have to it because it's in the line of duty. It's our job. Whereas your traumas are deeply personal. Or in his case also his personal trauma from his partner seems rather frivolous in comparaison because possibly a sense of male pride is in the balance where he see's you as very strong for enduring your past.

His abandonment and passive aggressive will obviously invoke emotions from you or possibly trigger past hurts, so now he gets to avoid and minimize his issues. In doing this it now focuses on you. Causing him to believe the co-dependency claim because he keeps finding ways to provoke you in a passive manner.

How was his relationship with his mother or sisters if he has any? It seems he is drawn to strong females, his ex was able to break down his barriers, he has you now, another strong female obviously loving and wanting something positive but nonetheless strong.

With regards to his son, he appears to have a sense of need to show that he is strong male, father is taking care of things and protecting you. Kind of wanting to show a strength of patriarchy, hence why he is passive when son is disrespectful towards you.

In closing do you know if he had any female commanding officers during his deployment?

 

[NaeNae75]

Co-dependency doesn't always require an addiction to substance. It's also related to mental health...

Interesting... when he first started doing this, he would get a big response, and I'd be a mess. Now, not so much... it's a bit like the new Sam Smith song, "Too Good at Goodbyes". He's normalized this to the point that I don't even believe his words.
I very rarely bring up any of my past trauma stuff with him either... it never adds anything positive to the situation, so I save it for the T.
But I definitely see your point, because I've substituted my stuff for my adopted daughter's as well. Some of her stuff is crazy heavy. So there too, this can be seen.

His relationship with his mother and sister was one that was closer than that with his father and brothers. Hiss father is a general contractor and was always working. Firm but fair, super Christian family...(a little too overbearing Christian)
His mother is Donna Reed.... sweet housewife that does her husband's books from home. Suzie homemaker. His sister is super nice, but got mixed up with and married a pedophile. (Unknown at the time) She divorced him, but was a difficult because of the Christian implications. Her daughter is now 20, and super needy from being sheltered. His sister is just now considering dating again when her daughter moves from the home. She left him when the daughter was 4.
He was any oops baby and much younger than his siblings, 8 years younger than his sister, the next youngest. So while the older sons were of helping dad at work, he was in the kitchen with mom and sister. He still has issues with his father not making him a priority as a son like his brothers.
They judged us for being together "so soon" after his separation (2 years) and warned him it can be difficult for kids in blended families. Don't get me wrong, they really like me and I them... it was something they were concerned about though. It seems they expected him to struggle alone like his sister did.
He also hides The fact that we live together (usually). Last year ghee left in September(couple weeks before this time) and we were still seeing each other and spendjng the night 4 days + out of The week, but wouldn't mice back in until after holidays with his folks so he didn't have to trek them we are co habitating. He's kept it from them The whole time. He feels guilty for it. The whole things a little weird.
He was ast his parents last week and said it's over again, he said his dad rolled his eyes, and his mom said, "we really like her, but what you do is your decision". That was it. They don't deal with his PTSD at all. They aren't around much and are older, so they don't put any effort into research at all.
He did have a female CO before he left for the last deployment but she didn't deploy the same place they did. He did respect her. More So than his last male. He said the guy was worthless, and she was strong but fair. During the last deployment he was one of the highest ranking NCOs present. He was given a lot of responsibility. It even got him promoted.

 

[NaeNae75]

Oh yeah, and to complicate matters, his son likes to play mom against dad. He complains about being here too his mom because he spends all his time with us, and never gets to see dad. (Lord forbid dad has a job). So she gets in text wars with the s/o... then when he's with dad alone it's good for a couple of weeks, then he's mad at dad for whatever thing he can think of to keep them fighting.
Mom plays into it by going nuts on dad, and he plays into it by giving him whatever he wants.
Then he comes here and had all sorts of stories to tell about them. I tell him if it's that bad to call the police and then we'll come pick him up. But if he's just trying to tattle, I'll listen, but I'm not getting involved or talking to his mother.
It makes him mad. He loves drama

 

[FragileGlass]

Yeah that's tough! Little guy is caught in a threeway tug of adult relationships. He's reacting to it all. He has drama from moms relationship, Im sure he sees the struggle you and his dad go through but then he's caught in the volley between which situation makes him happier. I go through this with my sons all the time. My ex wife is very demeaning and requires a lot of pleasing and validation. My sons never want to dissapoint mom judging from your partners trauma, I can only imagine what his mom is doing to him.

Im sure you know the particulars of your partners regiment and company information, without asking your partner, try and do some searching online for news events and whether your partners regiment were stationed during that time. Since he doesn't talk about it very much, it might help if you know what things he might have faced and dates for you to keep an eye on his moods. It's a strategy I have recommended with success in the past, it's not about prying or snooping, just helps you get a possible framing of things he might have seen, allowing you to start thinking of alternative or creative ways to help distract him. Again, I don't want to have you consumed with his trauma, you seem to really want this relationship and possible marriage that it seems worth a try to get into his head a little bit. You don't have to talk to him about it, it's just knowledge that can potentially prevent conflict on certain days and so on.

 

[NaeNae75]

Yeah that's tough! Little guy is caught in a threeway tug of adult relationships. He's reacting to...

So we had "coffee" tonight while the little one was in Wednesday children services. Last night they went with us to our guided meditation, and the kids had a Halloween party. Both have gone fairly well. I haven't brought up him coming home, because he is definitely not ready to talk about it yet. He is accepting that we are a family, and he needs some time and space to make sense of things. A few minutes into our conversation he asked me if I had anything difficult to talk about or boundary setting, or if we can just sit and visit. I told him all I wanted to do was sit and visit. He seemed relaxed by that.
We talked about every day stuff, some support for each others issues right now, schedule sharing, and the kids. It had a couple of uncomfortable moments, but was good. He's still telling me he loves me, and is starting to try to problem solve with me during our conversations a little more. He's still being obstinate, though, on many things.
Oh yeah!!! He did bring up today that he doesn't want to over discipline his son because his own father "crushed his ability to stand up for himself" He said "I'm a polite quiet man that is just quiet and takes whatever is handed to me". I thought you'd like to know that little tidbit. BTW, his father is strict, but in no way abusive. But apparently he thinks his father being strict was a bad thing, so that's why he lets his son get away with everything. (newsflash....once again there is a MIDDLE GROUND here!!!)
One thing we spoke about at length is his son's Dr appt yesterday. Around here, they have been doing suicide/depression screenings with all annual check ups recently. Well, the little guy's screen has left a lot of cause for concern. He does have a T, but things have been pretty rough for him lately. The Dr even called from his personal cell last night while we were in meditation to ask him to bring him to a Psychiatrist for evaluation even beyond his T....So, we worked together on some strategies on how to proceed with some stuff for him. His mother has been absolutely poisonous in his life. Her visitations have recently been restricted by the court to two overnights a month....yes, that's how bad it is. The commissioner warned her that if she "messes this up" the next step is supervised visitations with no overnights....she's been put on notice. Supervised visitation might be the best thing for him....she won't be able to humiliate him if she's being chaperoned to see him. I feel horrible for the two children that still live with her and her husband. (he's a good guy tough, thankfully)
I really feel like we have a long way to go, but a lot of the things we are discussing here, is helping me keep my focus and head straight. Thank you for that. I'm working hard to keep our family together. They mean the world to me and my kids too. My kids are pretty upset right now, but they are trying to work through it too.
We're having a bonfire on Saturday night, if we can keep the rain at bay, because my oldest son is visiting for a job interview from Wyoming and my youngest son turns 19 next week. The little one will be at his mother's, but "K" is considering stopping out at the farm for a bit to celebrate with the boys and see my oldest. He moved to Wyoming this may to work for the railroad. It was one of is dreams. He wasn't home for his 21st birthday, so we're having his friends by too for the fire. It should be a special night for all of us to spend together. If the little one "LK's" mom doesn't show up( which has been known to happen) he will get to be there too....it will be a nice night for the whole family then.

 

[FragileGlass]

Given the issues at hand that sounded like a very positive moment for which I am very happy for you and in all honesty hoping mom screws up and the rain holds up so you can have that nice family night you deserve! I'm saddened that little guy is at risk emotionally because of it all. your partners ex seems way too eerily destructive like my ex wife. it's scary to see someone behave like that towards children.

I can't wait to hear how the bonfire goes! In the meantime I am still here ready to bleed my suffering heart to help keep your perspective clear as the week goes on and conversations continue ;)

 

[NaeNae75]

Given the issues at hand that sounded like a very positive moment for which I am very happy for yo...

BTW...I just added a bit to the last post.

Thank you so much for the well wishes! I too don't understand how someone can treat their children the way this woman does. She really is a sociopath. ZERO empathy for anything. She doesn't care at all how her children feel. In her mind, you give birth to children to "trap" the fathers so you can be married then if divorce occurs....they are good for child support. She also only gets pregnant from the men she dates that have any sort of "money" or so she thinks, then bleeds them dry and on to the next. Kids are just a means to an end for her. It's nauseating.

When K came home from deployment 2, LK was 2.5. He couldn't speak because she would lock him in his room so she could nap all day. The neighbors were even calling CPS, but they didn't do anything. He fought to get him for years, but of course...it's hard to take them away from a "stay at home mom". Laughable term in this situation. When she couldn't potty train him, she sent him to us. I had it taken care of in less than a week. I taught him to tie his shoes, read, helped with homework....so he's called me mom for years. The kids at school didn't realize I wasn't his mother.

She is one of the most despicable people I have ever met....and I grew up in an abusive home....at least my parents loved me. I honestly don't think she's capable....and now he's suffering. Even worse, now he doesn't have me either, sort of....GAH....I just want to snuggle with him and tell him it's all going to be okay.

I'm praying that this is as brief as possible for the sake of all of our kids. Thanks again for helping me see a bigger picture by bearing your soul.

 

[NaeNae75]

Well, tonight is his second shift night...two weeks ago he called off. Last week he got permission from his manager to bring LK with. He still hasn't gotten a sitter and decided to take him with to his second shift again. My daughter and I both offered to keep him so that he doesn't have to spend his whole night in the airport and get woken up for the 45 minute drive home - especially on a school night.
But no...he said "it went okay last week and my manager was cool about it, so I'm just going to take him with me". It frustrates me. I just don't understand the reasoning behind this. How does this make him look at work? How is this better for his son than just leaving him in his bed all night? But, he's his son, and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it...when I voice my opinion about it, I'm shot down in a hurry. So be it.
I'm beginning why he's doing this stuff more, but I'm still not sure how to react or how to proceed. I went to see a new T today....boy it was heavy. A lot of stuff to cover in a minimum amount of time. She specializes in trauma and PTSD, so hopefully this helps. The new one I saw last week is big on alternative stuff including biofeedback. I'm going to see them both on opposite weeks for now to decide where I can make more progress, and who I'm more comfortable with. Right now, I've only seen them each once, so I'm not sure. So far I like them both.
I'm just frustrated as well that he's "involved" and asking me stuff about what I've got going on, but he hasn't started anything for himself yet. He had suggestions for me, but was a little stand offish to anything I would suggest for him or LK. Guess what, buddy....I've been in therapy on and off for 20 years. I've worked through a lot of my stuff...of course there's lots to do yet, but I'm not the only one that needs therapy. Sweep your own backdoor first there pal.
It seems that hes in one of those he knows better than anyone and he's right, no one can say different. Oh yeah, and everyone else has a problem, and is "wrong" but not him....but even if he is wrong, he "will survive" any consequences, so nothing should matter. When he is like this it's a lose/lose situation for me. So I don't tell him anything. I tell him this is my opinion, you can do whatever you want, but so can I for my life. I told him it's up to him if he stays or goes, I have no control of that...it's completely his decision. But it is my decision on how I want to respond. I told him that I can choose to "move on" or be patient and work on myself and work on my relationships with my family, him included.
I haven't figured out what is healthy, what isn't...and what matters or not right now. I'm just trying to make it through this a better person, not worse. I'm going to keep searching for myself how to be a better....everything - better mom, spouse, friend, employee, employer, well just a better person overall. I'm going to keep growing. I'm going to live vulnerably, love hard, and be an example of the change I want to see in the world....That's what I can do...I can't change him, I can't make my parents like him (not that I care if they do), I can't make my kids decisions...I can only offer advise and try to lead by example....looks like I've got my work cut out for me, eh?

 

[FragileGlass]

I'm still here with you! I'm gathering thoughts as i think I've connected more of the dots on how the trauma has affected your partner and his actions regarding his son. I'll try to get the thoughts out as soon as I can.

I'm wrestling a rough night as I really hurt a patient at work tonight. Trying to shake it off! His scenario and length of time with me in the hospital is my true stressor.

Hang in there! :)

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm still here with you! I'm gathering thoughts as i think I've connected more of the dots on how...

No worries on my end! I know the world doesn't revolve around me.

Im sorry you're having a rough night... that stinks! If you need me to ever return the favour and lend any ear, I'm more than happy to! By all means, take care of you and yours right now.

 

[FragileGlass]

I've re-read all of our messages, I'm now seeing a timeline of issues for your partner.

Given his exes behaviour, his deployment when his son was young, I firmly believe that the trauma of his ex caused him to fear for his own life in that he couldn't save his son if he were killed during deployment. Somewhere during his deployment something happened that made it way too apparent he may not come home to his save his son. It may not have been an actual combat situation, it could have been a moment like where we count seconds between thunder claps to find distance and he is trying to sleep but those thunder claps are incendiary devices or projectile explosives that get closer and closer. When you have a partner as demeaning and debilitating as his ex appears to be, this would be soul crushing. Then it would be, I have to survive for my son, this may have involved compromising decisions for him in order to do so. It's why he would prefer to take his son to work tonight rather than leave him anywhere. It's not a question of your ability or willingness to help. It's a moment he suffered somewhere and he would rather take his son to work than leave him. I firmly believe there was a moment he believed he wouldn't come back to save his son. You mentioned he was deployed during or close to his sons birthday right around now. Which leads me to this thought. This being the anniversary timeline right now.

He is focusing again on your traumas to minimize his emotions and damage which isn't healthy. This is where he is getting that co-dependency ideation. He's not sweeping under his own carpets because he is minimizing his emotions. To face those emotions will break him, he doesn't want to face it.

These are things that are not your fault, these are things beyond your control, you do need to think about yourself. I know your heart is there for him. But, until he comes clean about his true issues and stops minimizing his damage. You're in for a hell of a struggle!