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elocin
i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder almost a year ago. I decided to see a therapist because I felt suicidal and the worst i've ever felt in my life. I started going once a week and some things with my family came up that made me understand a little of why I felt the way I did. I had recently gotten back together with my boyfriend because he had cheated in the beginning when we first started to get to know each other. financial problems at home and an utter exhaustion every day. therapy helped for those first few months because i was being proactive in trying to salvage my semester but unfortunately the cycle is repeating itself this semester. I'm having money problems and paying the bills has been hard. I lost my financial aid because of last semester so now i cant even register for next semester cause I have a balance. I felt really suicidal last night and I was going to take a bunch of pills I got but i decided to cut myself instead to distract myself from the idea of killing myself. the only reason i havent done it is because of my mom. Im her whole world and if I went through with it i know it would break her. I dont like talking about this too much with my boyfriend because i dont want him to think im trying to manipulate him with my depression, i have a lot of self esteem issues with him and the relationship because of the cheating and i feel like my depression is making it worse because im paranoid all the time even when i know where he is. i have a lot of triggers and im constantly replaying in my head all the bad things that have happened to me this year. I dont have a passion for school or anything in my life. i just feel pointless, like worthless because I dont want to do anything but crawl in a hole and never come out. im too embarassed of telling my therapist all of this because ive been pretending things are good so that he wouldnt scold me. I feel like i have no one and that its only a matter of time.
