Tired Of Working Here, Frustrated With My Boss

[youngoddess]

OK, I have to say I LOVE what I do, I am a teacher and I enjoy it, but I have to say this is the first time I've thought about quiting or something because I just can't stand my boss... I work in a religious private school, my bosses are nuns, since I started working there I felt the environment a little strange, like sometimes I say: good morning and she doesn't respond, in her birthday she invited all the teachers except me, one time she asked me to tell her how many CD's for students I needed, I told her the next day and she said: "Oh, I just sent the request." It gets me tired, I love what I do but with this attitudes, the work environment is uncomfortable.

Well, today it happened something it really bothered me. I was in a class with a middle school group, and a student just put me in a very very bad mood. He was eating, (he knows he can't, it's a rule), well, I asked him not to, he laughed at me and kept doing it, I asked a second time, he kept doing it, it bothered me so much, I asked another student to bring a report sheet, he got even more angry but I asked in a quiet way to pay attention to the rules.

I don't know if the situation with the student affected me and made me more sensitive but, I got more angry after that. I had a class with a preschool group, (they are in the same building) when I got in the classroom, the spanish teacher had to leave, so my time was up so I had to go because I had another class in middle school. But the teacher was taking so long and I couldn't leave the students alone, so I went to see where she was because I already was 10 min late for my other class. She was with my boss, and I said to the teacher I had to go, I saw my boss and said hi, she didn't even respond, she said in a very bossy tone, not understanding at all that my time was over: "did you leave the students alone? Can you wait for just one second while the teacher walks back" I was not prepared for that so I didn't say anything.

This situation tires me a lot, it depresses me. I've tried to be a good teacher and I know I am, I don't know why she doesn't have the respect to act correctly. Or I don't know if I'm right but, it was not fair, she practically accused me of leaving the students alone and it was not necessary, I just lost one minute to see where the teacher was, she doesn't even have to leave the classroom when it's my class, she has to stay there... I don't know if I'm right or not, but, I'm tired of this... I hate that I have to work here because I need the job, but I just don't understand why she has to act that ... I don't even find the word.

I'm sorry for my English, it's not my first language and... I don't even ask any question, I just want to express my frustration, if someone has something to say, it will be appreciated.

 

[JustBe]

Sorry, I just found this thread...
You deserve to be valued and treated with respect. I think it may be a good idea for you to look for a new position in a school where you will be treated respectfully and feel valued.

:hug:

 

[matthios]

Private religious school, eh? It's fairly common for teachers who haven't taken religious vows to be treated like total crap in those institutions.

Also, I don't know how things are typically done there, or frankly with middle schoolers (i always taught older students, mostly at the uni level) but it sounds like you're rather submissive to your students... this can be viewed as weakness especially by an older "crazy, old school strict nun" type (which it sounds like your boss is!) She may not respect you. Your options? Run... or make her respect you. This might just be a matter of needing to advocate for yourself.

 

[youngoddess]

Hello Matthios, thank you for commenting.

I dno't know in which case I would be submissibe to my students, and I don't think this has something to do with that, she has been in my classes and it seems she was 'happy' the times she saw the students working. Besides, if it was because iof that, knowing her, she already had told me very rudelysomething about it, butshe hasn't, the things she has done, have been about me as a person, not as a teacher. And I know I'm not perfect, but I know what I do.


I think she reminds me to my mom that's why I act that way. Maybe I did/said somethign she didn't like and she's being this rude because of that. Maybe she didn't like that I don't know much about their traditions, yet she can't be that disrespectful. I'm always on the defensive because I don't know what her new surprise will be.

Maybe this affects me and scares me so much because it remembers me to my relationshipo with my mom. She thinks I'm doing something wrong, she has authority over me, then I started to doubt like, what I'm doing is correct? Maybe I'm wrong or maybe she's right to be like this with me. But she's not and it's annoying and disrespectful.

I want/need to demand respect but I don't know how and I don't want to start acting rude =/ Which I think I'm starting.

 

[youngoddess]

Thank you Movin'On; I hope to solve this soon. Thank you for commentiong.

 

[matthios]

The submissive to students thing was in the handling of the student eating in class. When I was in school, teachers didn't "ask" us to stop breaking rules, they told us and then, typically without even a chance to stop, would punish us. (mostly in the form of scolding or being sent to the principal's office... sometimes detention). I just know that teachers who are known for being overly soft with students often aren't respected by other teachers. I saw this play out a lot in my high school. Obviously, each school and each age is going to be different, so go with whatever the norm is there. (I'm *not* trying to tell you how to do your job, I promise! Just what you said resonated with me and reminded me of issues I've seen play out. They manifested in *personal* issues with other teachers, more than other teachers actually addressing the issue as a professional one).

You raise an interesting point about this woman reminding you of your mother. As is generally the case with all interpersonal friction, it's not likely to be all your issue or all hers, but some combination of the two. That you've even considered your feelings about the situation with your boss being biased by your issues with your mother likely means that it is happening. That doesn't, however, mean that she's not behaving in such a way that is unhelpful/hurtful to you.

You're absolutely right in wanting to avoid being rude... this is important. There are definitely ways to ask someone if there's a problem without doing it rudely. (remember: awkward isn't the same as rude! haha)

 

[youngoddess]

Yes, well, when I talked about the incident with the student in middle school I thought that maybe I was more vulnerable or I don't know, because I got very angry becase of his attitude, but my preescool principal didn't know about it, she's the principal in preeschool only and besides, she has been like these since I started working there, so I don't think it's something about my work there.


And with this student, that's what I did, I saw him and after I asked him to stop eating I made a repord for him, maybe I should have done it without asking him to respect the rules, I will next time, but, I don't think this has something to do with my boss in preschool.

And yes, I don't think she's acting like my mom or wants to hurt me or something, but she is being this disrespectful and I noticed since the first day, but, I can't talk to her about it, like I said, she doesn't yell at me or she's not 'directly' rude, she just do 'slight' things that couldn't be taken as disrespectful for others. But, it's to much, inviting everybody to her birthday except me, accusing me of leaving the students alone, not even let me finish and interrupting me and saying "just one more secon while the teachers comes back", as if I was an irresponsible, not answering the good morning, and she's my boss... There wouldn't be any problem if she weren't, but she is =/

 

[Belle]

First of all, as a teacher, you handled the incident with the pupil eating in a fair and measured way. Reminding him to respect the rules and perhaps reminding him as to why - H&S and having a clean space to work - is a way to bring him back to the classroom situation. I think asking quietly for someone to stick to the rules and filling in the relevant form can be a very powerful way of showing you are in control, well done :)

Let's get onto your boss.....she is using the oldest trick on the book - intimidation. Next time she speaks to you in a way that upsets you either a) ask her to repeat what she said, as in 'sorry I didn't quite catch that can you repeat it?' and remind her of the facts 'I am 10 minutes late for my next class'. She can't deny the facts! Whether you can 'wait for a minute' has nothing to do with it! You have another class to attend to.
b) write down everything she says or does that makes you uncomfortable and date it (you may need this at a later date as evidence) c) continue to say hello because it means you are showing integrity and professionalism, you will be respected by others for this even if she doesn't respond. It will make her look bad in the long run. d) ensure you keep up to date with your CPD opportunities so that if and when you want to look for another job you are in the best possible position. Ensure you keep in touch with others who can provide you with a good reference.

Finally don't even worry about why so is doing this. She is a bully and there is no point in worrying about why. Just concentrate on you. You are doing a good job.

 

[youngoddess]

Belle, really thank you so much for those words. Your first msg, about what I did with my student, thank you :), I think it did work in the end, other students who were talking,stopped iinmedialty and gave me the work they were doing for me to check it lol, it was funny to watch...

You are totally right, I should think more what I do and do everything quietly, but this is a very very hard thing for me to do. I will tell you a little more about the relationship with my mom... Well, to make it short, she always made me feel like I was a crazy, dumb, mad, cruel person in the world, like I needed a straitjacket to be calm. Of course I was not an angel, but that's the way I had to ask my mom not to be like that with me, and it didn't work obviously, and I started to 'accept' that I was that way, and not worthy of respect, like it was a punishment to listen to all of those things for me, like I have to, no choice, be there, listen and shut your mouth. So I became very passive, if you see me you think I'm a 'normal' person, but if you start to yell at me, to raise your voice on me, I'm going to became very small and I will go down my head... That's what happens with this person, I get very very anxious when this happens because it's like a 'reminder' that I'm not worthy or respect and when I want to act, I just don't know how. I don't know how to demand respect to someone. Sometimes it happens with my students, I mean, they don't yell at me, but if they get angry, I feel they are attacking me, I know it's unbelieable to hear but it is. I remember one time, one of my students say when some guys where talking loudly, "hey everybody be quiet, the teacher never defends herself when you do something, so now be nice", I was like, really? They see me as someone who never does anything. It was sad. Or another time when a classmate yelled at me right in my ear I dno't remember why, I didn't do anything, I just heard it like pretending I don't care but he was yelling at me. I didn't know how to react, how to let him know that he can't treat me like that. I need to learn =(

The idea of standing there and asking her to repeat what she said is very good, I would be quiet, firm and letting her know that the way she spoke was not correct, AND that I didn't take it (exactly the opposite to what I did first). I need to practice it and I need to take courage because next week I need to take two courses from the other work I have, and I won't be able to go to work for two days, and I'm already scared because I have to tell her, I always saw myself begging her:s, but I'm trying to notify her like being very sure of what I'm doing.

I know, my experience in these things, like asking permission is zero and in demanding respect is even more unknown, but I hope to make it good someday, for now I'm going to start with that kind of thinking, not letting her to freeze me and confornting her in a respectful way.


Really, thank you so much.

 

[Tanishq]

I concur Belle's message. Full of self control and help.

Youngoddess, Don't worry. It's they are controlling. they are trying to intimidate and not allowing you to breathe free air. This is what makes you feel more uncomfortable.

You have right to stand up against bully, no matter who is that person. Bully is negative thing and makes sufferer frustrated. It also messes other things as well. Is there anyone in your school or can you gain support for this all? you can talk to chairman, head of this all. It will give you courage and will help you a lot to stand against this bully.

 

[Belle]

Hi Youngoddess

Keep believing in you, I am sorry about your mom, it sounds as though she was the one with issue and the way you learnt to behave, as in 'act passive', was a survival mechanism. We all have evolved ways of dealing with any disfunctional behaviours if we encountered when we were children/young. Being able to keep calm when others are shouting is a positive thing and you can learn to say things that sound firm without yelling.

Remember that people who shout and yell are the ones with the problem. There are 2 ways to deal with shouting and yelling, either to shout and yell back (which doesn't solve anything) or to say 'You can't listen while you are shouting and so I am going to walk away and come back when you are ready to listen to me.' Or if it is a pupil ask them to sit outside the class, after asking them to speak respectfully and if they don't, calmly take a chair and place it outside for them to sit on if they are shouting and yelling. A lot of teens and pre-teens will shout in order to be heard or because they are angry/hormonal. Try not to take it personally, I know it feels personal but it probably is a reflection on how they feel not a reflection on you.

By the way if students are being rude, report them using the strategies the school has in place, if pupils are commonly rude and disrespectful it will likely be part of the culture of the school and is a reflection on the management and leadership and not on you, if there are not adequate strategies for behaviour management in place pupils will soon pick up on this! I bet other teachers are having issues but it might be that the culture is that if you ask for help or mention you are having problems you are percieved as being weak. You are not weak, it sounds as if you are not getting the support you deserve.

Practice saying things to your boss in the mirror and when you need to go and speak to her imagine you are wrapped in a protective bubble and imagine her very small. If she has to bully people then psychologically she is very small. You are much stronger.

 

[youngoddess]

Youngoddess, Don't worry. It's they are controlling. they are trying to intimidate and not allowing you to breathe free air. This is what makes you feel more uncomfortable.

Hello Jaret, thank you for your words. In this week I tried to stay away from my boss and just talk to her when necessary, I've been away but I'm not rude or anything, I can't pretend that I'm smiling when I don't want to, so I don't smile but my tone of voice is soft and kind.

Well the chairman is also a nun, and for what I've seen there, they are very close, I don't think they would take this seriosuly.

Thank you so much:)