T
Thender
I have PTSD and Bipolar Disorder. The PTSD comes from bullying and being witness to a lot of domestic violence when growing up. I turned 30 recently. My symptoms (anxiety / depression) have mostly been under control, reasonably, for many years now. Although the past is filled with plenty of times of nearly losing control and being destroyed by these illnesses and experiences.
My Bipolar mood symptoms have shifted recently and I have been working with medication changes for about two months to get back to a better balanced state. I have only been able to take time off from work twice for that, and twice for a respiratory infection. I am exhausted from continuing to work while trying to manage my health.
My mood seems to be getting better, but some days it changes from one hour to the next, or I wake up four or five times in the middle of the night. A couple weeks ago before changing medication I was so depressed I laid down on the couch when I got home at 6, thought about getting up for the next five hours, dozing a bit maybe, then got up at 11, took a shower, went to bed at 12, and slept another 7 hours easily.
I am mostly fine, but working much more than I would like.
Swinging from anxiety to depression makes me much less effective at my job, and I feel guilty about that. But trying to be productive with moderate to severe depression is like trying to run through a swimming pool filled with molasses.
When I am really stressed by anxiety, I can see razor blades winding around my arms like spirals. And if I am really and deeply pushed to the limit, I become very focused on images of cutting for the sake of suicide.
I am not suicidal and not thinking of acting on any suicidal thoughts or feelings. I am just tired, very tired. Of course, there is no one I can explain those things to.
I am in physical pain constantly. Chest pains that are believed to be caused by anxiety. It never goes away, ever. Never. It stings. With depression there were other types of pains like a dark wet acid had filled my heart and chest.
This too, is quite tiresome.
My Bipolar mood symptoms have shifted recently and I have been working with medication changes for about two months to get back to a better balanced state. I have only been able to take time off from work twice for that, and twice for a respiratory infection. I am exhausted from continuing to work while trying to manage my health.
My mood seems to be getting better, but some days it changes from one hour to the next, or I wake up four or five times in the middle of the night. A couple weeks ago before changing medication I was so depressed I laid down on the couch when I got home at 6, thought about getting up for the next five hours, dozing a bit maybe, then got up at 11, took a shower, went to bed at 12, and slept another 7 hours easily.
I am mostly fine, but working much more than I would like.
Swinging from anxiety to depression makes me much less effective at my job, and I feel guilty about that. But trying to be productive with moderate to severe depression is like trying to run through a swimming pool filled with molasses.
When I am really stressed by anxiety, I can see razor blades winding around my arms like spirals. And if I am really and deeply pushed to the limit, I become very focused on images of cutting for the sake of suicide.
I am not suicidal and not thinking of acting on any suicidal thoughts or feelings. I am just tired, very tired. Of course, there is no one I can explain those things to.
I am in physical pain constantly. Chest pains that are believed to be caused by anxiety. It never goes away, ever. Never. It stings. With depression there were other types of pains like a dark wet acid had filled my heart and chest.
This too, is quite tiresome.
