To Be Honest

[Wolvescry]

Even though I have come to terms with the fact that things are the way they are, I still struggle. I am afraid. Like really scared. The predator is still out there somewhere. And now that the info is out there I am terrified that he might want to retaliate. Slowly I have been feeling more safe to venture out into the world but it takes so much energy to constantly be on alert or to keep your mind state at dream like state so you can push through the day. I have to pretend its not there.

But its there I cannot always put in the back of my mind, or keep myself distracted, or become best friends with denial. How do handle this situation? what can you do? Most people think I am crazy or want attention. I know it does not matter, I do not care, but its the cruel things added to the judgement that hurts. I know it is so much for people to handle. My pushing people away shutting them out being rude. I understand and I am so sorry. I try to keep to myself, I try. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I always do.

It has gotten to the point where I fight the temptation to run away and get back with my abusive ex, he was so big and threatening. No one ever dared try to hurt me when I was with him. I know the predator was always scared of him, He left me alone the whole time we dated. Maybe that is one of the reason I was with him and stayed. I know it would just take one phone call and I can be in his arms and he would be understanding and caring, but I know this is completely irrational thinking. I know that the action would just hurt more people. I know that he would care, but he would not be able to help his bad habits.

How do you handle this? How do I push myself through the day. Scared to death, working hard to hide it, to push the emotion behind, to manage the cruel comments from some people on top of everything else. I am doing it but it really isn't easy.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I know very much how you feel. For me the fear goes on and on and on because the longer my abusers haven't retaliated the longer I'm scared that they're just brewing up resentment and anger making it both more likely and less likely for them to come and do something about it as the days/weeks/months go on. I am terrified to go out and moving out of the area (other side of the country) and changing my name (again) is a necessity for me to return to any semblance of a normal life.

As for cruel comments, I've cut all ties with "that" side of the family as the toxicity was too much and would never end, they fed off of it and made things bigger than they were and enjoyed spreading rumours and talking behind peoples backs, anything to create more trouble. They would never accept that my father was involved in abusing me, even after he admitted to parts of it. They even went on to say that those parts weren't his fault whilst blaming me for what they knew about sporadically, depending on whether they needed my help or not and as it suited them - usually to create maximum damage in the form of rows or distress.

The only way I know how to handle this is to get away from it, them, the area, anything and start fresh (or as fresh as possible). I'm also in therapy. I'm trying to heal and do all I can to accept myself as I am - because that's the most important thing I think. So that when moving becomes a possibility I will take as little baggage as possible, but of course this is just me.

Good Luck