To Be Or Not Be...... Married

[Adam F.]

So over the last few days I've noticed that the majority of my anxiety is a result of my wife. It's so bad that i don't even want to go home anymore but I do because of our children. I'm just at a point where i feel like I'm stuck in a toxic relationship.

No don't get me wrong, I love my wife dearly. We've been together for nearly 9 years and married for nearly 6. But we went through a situation in 2014 and nearly got divorced because she was cheating online. And I know people might say that it doesn't count but the manner of it and the deceitfulness, and the way she talked about me to this other guy really nearly saw me take my own life because of it.

I discovered all of this in June, the day after our wedding anniversary, and i was committed to in-patient pscyh hold for 3 days.

Fast forward to July of 2014 and she decides that she wants me back and like a fool, I let her back in. This lasted about 6 weeks but nothing had changed and then I found out she was still talking to this fool.

At this point, we decide that our relationship won't work and I leave and moved in with a co-worker. This lasted all of a weekend.

On Monday I picked our son up from pre-school to drop him off with her only to, what seems like in hindsight, manipulate me into coming back, and like a fool I did. But things changed. We were actually close again and everythimg seemed fine, until about a year ago.

Now to this day i have no proof that she has still been in contact with d-bag from before but I still suspect it. Then about 9 months ago, all intimacy stopped, and i mean completely. So now I feel like I'm living with a roommate who I happen to have children on common with. And that is so incredibly negative and short tempered about everything, including the kids and myself.

So I have attempted for us to both go to counseling but she refuses and says there is nothing wrong with her but, I need the counseling and possibly a psychiatrist.

My anxitey has been so incredibly since spending the night in a hospital's heart wing because I thought i was having heart problems; however, they determined it to be brought on by stress and anxiety.

I want to stay because of my kids, I want to stay for myself, and I want to feel like I'm wanted by her.

But I also know that this toxicity is sending me into such a downward spiral that I may not be able to ever climb back out. And that scares the hell out of me because I want to live for myself, for my kids , my family and i also want to be happy and feel appreciated and loved.

I nist don't feel that I will ever get this again in this relationship bit I also don't want to give up because she is still the most important love of my life.

I won't take my own life bit damn me if I haven't been praying for it to end.

Please help me.

 

[Friday]

So I have attempted for us to both go to counseling but she refuses and says there is nothing wrong with her but, I need the counseling and possibly a psychiatrist.

This argument always baffles me.

If there's something wrong with the marriage, and you're a part of that marriage, then there's something wrong! Hello!

I can't speak to the likelihood of whether or not she's cheating, or it's purely your anxiety, but either way this shit is killing your marriage and it sounds like she's completely unwilling to deal with that. Lots of possible reasons why that is (not just guilt & doesn't want to be found out by a neutral 3rd party). But regardless of why she's resistant to doing marriage counseling, I do have to agree that gettin your own counselor to have someone in your corner during this hard time, would be a really good idea. Whether you stay together, or divorce, either looks like maxed out stress & hard days ahead that could really use some added support.

 

[ladee]

I am also baffled by the concept that Love is why people stay.
There is so much more to any relationship,much less the commitment of marriage.
Love of course plays a part. But there is honesty,communication,respect, and a whole list of adult words. Trust being high on the list.
Really hoping you seek help to navigate this very difficult situation.

 

[Adam F.]

Thank you bpth for the input. I have also talked to a close friend about this. I think right now, what wpuld be best for ME, is to get some space for a while. Just giving both of us a break.

I truly know that if stay the course I'm on now I'm just going to be in a bigger wprld of pain and anxiety for myself.

I need to change the course.

 

[ladee]

Great to hear you have restored some balance to your thinking.
Sounds like a good plan. Time away will be good for you to get serious about self care and help you decide which course of action is best for you.
You do deserve respect and happiness...wishing you well.
Come back and share as needed. Best RX there is

 

[Adam F.]

Will someone please read this before I tell my wife all of this tomorrow and let me know if it at least makes sense.

Andrea,

First I just need you to listen to everything I have to say and then we will talk.

Andrea my love for you comes 2nd only to the kids. Because of that I have tried to make you as happy as possible, albeit I haven't always done such a great job of that. For that I am sorry.

I know that because of my current weaknesses that dealing with me has been very challenging. But it hasn't been easy for me to deal with you either.

Most of the time when I ask you something or I do what I think is helping, I am met with serious attitude to near the point of pure anger. Times like this make me feel that I don't matter and I literally fight back tears.

So to go with that I don't feel appreciated, I truly feel like I'm not wanted around you, and that you're just saying I love you for show. A lot of this comes from the fact that you make nearly no attempts to show me any type of affection. I have tried multiple times to get you to go to counseling with me and you have refused for whatever reason. But I wanted to have someone mediate and actually get us talking.

We both have the same problem with opening up to each other what we really feel at any point in time and I, like always, continue to carry that blame inside of me. I still carry all of the blame, even though I shouldn't, for everything negative that has ever happened between us and I can't let that blame go.

I'm at a point where just coming home feels like a chore and there have been several times that I almost didn't. But I keep coming because of our 2 smart and beautiful children.

My mind is spiraling downwards out of control. And a lot of that has to do with everything I've said.

So with all that said, I've decided that I need some space from and this place. I don't want this to be permanent but I need time to clear my head.

This next part probably isn't fair to you but I am leaving it up to you to decide when or if you want me to come back. Then I will decide if I am ready to or not.

 

[Friday]

I'm not a big fan of editing love letters. Whether they're your heart bursting in the beginning, or breaking in the end, they're still the words of your heart & that really shouldn't be f*cked with. So take the following with a large grain of salt, aside from, yes. It makes sense.

Spoiler: Don't even have to read it :)

I know that because of my current weaknesses that dealing with me has been very challenging. But it hasn't been easy for me to deal with you either

Nix the "but". Will potentially save you an very female-ish-argument about grammar about how everything before that is meaningless and blah blah blah and the content gets lost in the argument. It hasn't been easy for her. Valid. It hasn't been easy for you. Valid. Both good points that shouldn't get lost because of a single stupid word.

I'm at a point where just coming home feels like a chore and there have been several times that I almost didn't. But I keep coming because of our 2 smart and beautiful children.

(The 'but' is fine here. The previous one, her girlfriends would shred you over. This one is no worries.)

Any other reason? If hope for what you two could be, or the good times between you two is a reason you've come home, list it. Since you're leaving the ball in her court to ask you back, and don't want this to be permanent, her knowing that she may be the reason you're leaving, but also knowing she's more than a free babysitter to you / is part of why you want to come back, is a pretty important piece to leave out.

DITTO... If you want to arrange time to see your kids? I would add that you'll be in touch about when to see the kids & finances (if you don't want to get smacked with an emergency order of child support & custody order, which is the first thing an attorney would have her file, if you don't state that you want to see the kids & money matters will be settled amicably. Same token, if she refuses to let you see the kids, you can file your own emergency custody order. Ideally, though, you can keep the courts out of it by just adding a line about visitation & bills

 

[ms spock]

I would see a therapist and start getting your anxiety under control before you go giving your wife any letters. By all means take a weekend off, but work out where you are with things rather than just jumping in first.

 

[Kintsugi]

Read Friday's spoiler.

Best of luck to you in this difficult situation.

 

[Adam F.]

Thank you Friday. These are all very valid points and will be taken to heart and applied.

 

[Powder]

The entire letter is an exercise in how long you can put words onto the screen without actually saying anything (from the heart). This tells me you do not feel safe opening up to her, which you say in the letter.

Therefore, the letter is premature. It's not ready to be sent/read.

I wrote some letters like this to my abusers when I was powerless. Now, I regret trying to spin those wheels. I should have been seeking and being tapped into healthy support, gaining independence, figuring my strengths out, and cutting emotional ties with toxic people as much as possible.

If she won't see that she's done you harm then she's a real and true abuser. She breaks hearts, not opens them, at least not for you.

Counseling is unlikely to change that, just empty your wallet. If she suggested it, then it "might" be worth trying. Might also be a way to stall you.

Instead of thinking of how to "deal with" her, I suggest you plan how to deal with life without her immediately and how to maintain your custody by consulting a family lawyer skilled in helping fathers keep custody.

In your state, it may be that the evidence of cheating is something you need to be documenting with screenshots in case she deletes the posts/emails/etc.

Also, don't leave the home where the kids are. Your emotional reactions and hospitalizations are already against you in terms of custody. If you leave, it can be deemed abandonment of those kids. Stay and don't react to her. Imagine the worst things she could have done and could do to you and be prepared for anything, and decide you can take it for your kids. Because in 10 years, you will be over this shallow woman as your lover but you won't be over your kids.

 

[Adam F.]

I inderstand what you are saying. I have no intention of opening this can of worms until after I talk to my therapist on Monday.

We had already seperated once before and seeing my kids isn't an issue. I don't feel that a court order won't be needed, at first. as we can civilly work things out.

This letter was written more or less of spur of the moment. As I will seek guidance from my counselor before going forward.

I'm just at a point where I am basically clueless as to what to do next.