ms spock
VIP Member
I know that this might be beyond redemption, but surely mind reading of what will happen in terms of counselling is an unwise way to go? Even if you go to counselling and it is a bust, at least you know you tried and the issues will be more fleshed out, which will enable you to manage the situation in the longrun. And perhaps there are a few areas that she will make adjustments for you, that will make life just that little bit easier? I may be way off base with this one, so take what is useful. But if she said "might" that can be read in a positive light, as well as a negative light. Why not go for a positive reading of "might"? Because anything that you do to repair or reconstruct your relationship with your wife will be of benefit to your children in the longrun. It might even make the situation liveable - it might not as well. But giving up before you have even tried relationship counselling seems to me be wasting a potential opportunity - for you, your wife and your children.
The other thing is to start meeting your own inner needs by giving yourself Self Compassion (you can read and download for free on Kristin Neff's website) and nurturing yourself or scheduling in an hour a week where you see a friend that can give you some TLC and backup. The dbtselfhelp website is helpful in that it is free and you can work through the skills like distress tolerance and mindfulness at your own pace. Then there is the David Burns book "Feeling Good" and how you can manage conflict in a relationship - I still use these strategies and it really helps to be busting down those distorted cognitions. Searching out and finding, and then using a whole range of resources and getting yourself in a strong position will enable you to negotiate this situation without falling into pitfalls because you are feeling so unheard, unloved and not cared for. I get how painful it is to feel unheard, unloved and not cared for - to be totally unappreciated is very painful. I really get that. So I would suggest that it is not wise to make decisions about your life until you are actually getting some of the good stuff in life; like TLC.
I would suggest that getting yourself stronger will enable you to manage all potential outcomes in a more considered manner, which is good for you and very good for your kids. Don't let yourself get wound up so you look like the "crazy" one.
So ruling out potential solutions without even trying to use them to at least assess if they have some value in realtime, seems to me to be wasting an opportunity. Even if she comes and is resistant that gives you more information, this lets the T see what is going on, and could overall help you to work out strategies that will enable you not to be sidelined (as much) if you choose to end your marriage. Yes it might empty your hip pocket, but it will also show a judge reading your case about custody that you did each and everything to repair the relationship. So I would suggest getting her in therapy with you and keeping her there for a time will look good for you. You have to think long term strategy now, as someone above said in ten years you will be over however your relationship ends up, but you won't be over your kids.
You could also choose to radically accept the situation and stay so you have daily contact with your kids, and then you would work on getting your emotional needs met by other people or yourself.
Just a few thoughts from me - feel free to ignore if not applicable.
Cheers,
ms spock
The other thing is to start meeting your own inner needs by giving yourself Self Compassion (you can read and download for free on Kristin Neff's website) and nurturing yourself or scheduling in an hour a week where you see a friend that can give you some TLC and backup. The dbtselfhelp website is helpful in that it is free and you can work through the skills like distress tolerance and mindfulness at your own pace. Then there is the David Burns book "Feeling Good" and how you can manage conflict in a relationship - I still use these strategies and it really helps to be busting down those distorted cognitions. Searching out and finding, and then using a whole range of resources and getting yourself in a strong position will enable you to negotiate this situation without falling into pitfalls because you are feeling so unheard, unloved and not cared for. I get how painful it is to feel unheard, unloved and not cared for - to be totally unappreciated is very painful. I really get that. So I would suggest that it is not wise to make decisions about your life until you are actually getting some of the good stuff in life; like TLC.
I would suggest that getting yourself stronger will enable you to manage all potential outcomes in a more considered manner, which is good for you and very good for your kids. Don't let yourself get wound up so you look like the "crazy" one.
So ruling out potential solutions without even trying to use them to at least assess if they have some value in realtime, seems to me to be wasting an opportunity. Even if she comes and is resistant that gives you more information, this lets the T see what is going on, and could overall help you to work out strategies that will enable you not to be sidelined (as much) if you choose to end your marriage. Yes it might empty your hip pocket, but it will also show a judge reading your case about custody that you did each and everything to repair the relationship. So I would suggest getting her in therapy with you and keeping her there for a time will look good for you. You have to think long term strategy now, as someone above said in ten years you will be over however your relationship ends up, but you won't be over your kids.
You could also choose to radically accept the situation and stay so you have daily contact with your kids, and then you would work on getting your emotional needs met by other people or yourself.
Just a few thoughts from me - feel free to ignore if not applicable.
Cheers,
ms spock
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