P
p-no
That is the question... Actually, it's not a question, I'm just confused and am stuck.
The story in short -- saying all this fully aware that we've only been in touch for a bit over a week.
I signed up on a webpage for people with disabilities. Was contacted by a man and we've been writing back and forth since. He's visually impaired, almost blind. I am saying this because I wonder if that has to do with him having a very good radar re another person, me, with regard to boundaries, emotional connection, self and other, etc.
He seems self-confident, does not change as a person. He seems to know well who he is, what he wants (literally and generally speaking), what he can and can not do. He expresses that too. He can express what he thinks and feels, and he does that in a very respectful way, being respectful of himself (!), me, and others. He can talk about his disability, seems fully to terms with it (this, for me, includes e.g. expressing he is sad that he can't do this or that, which he did).
He has a great (and black) sense of humor! I love this! He's independent, will live his life, go swimming, spend time with friends a lot, will accept help from neighbors and is able to talk about all this. Likes sharing. What strikes me (as I have not much experience with men, and people in general, who are like this) is that he "moves about in the shades of grey" (no pun intended, lol), he has not yet overstepped any boundaries, often evaluates himself there and will express so.
He is fun to exchange messages with. We'll be talking on the phone on the weekend. He wants to date me.
What's the problem then, you ask? Well, I don't know!!! But I'm confused. And I feel feelings coming up! I guess this has already started to be "something" for me so the possibility of losing this really enjoyable, nice, sort-of unreal (I am so not used to such a peacefulness with any person) whatever-it-is scares me. I am aware that in my head I have moved into the future to something that is not.
I just don't know if I want to risk it. If risking becoming (more) vulnerable is worth it. Yes, there could be some nice time in this, but would I be able to deal with it being over, if it were? To me, that's a valid question to ask and it's important in a way, or feels important, to move into the future to find possible answers to this question.
At age 3, I lost my grandmother, who was, officially, before the law, my "mother" (my own mother had been too young to have the rights). I grew up with her and remember her (one memory) as loving and caring. Then I was taken away by my real mother, to more hell. At six, my great-grandmother died, who is the only person I truly truly loved. I missed her and cried for her until I was in my twenties. I lost lots of "dads" because of the way my mother lived her life. As soon as I had accepted one, they were gone. I lost friends who died (I miss you, BLT, so much) and I can't stand losing any more. Is it valid to be posing that question to myself? There probably is no other way than to risk it or not.
Anyone have any input? Just want to be a bit less confused so that I can make a decision that is good for me and what I really want.
Thanks for reading.
p-no
The story in short -- saying all this fully aware that we've only been in touch for a bit over a week.
I signed up on a webpage for people with disabilities. Was contacted by a man and we've been writing back and forth since. He's visually impaired, almost blind. I am saying this because I wonder if that has to do with him having a very good radar re another person, me, with regard to boundaries, emotional connection, self and other, etc.
He seems self-confident, does not change as a person. He seems to know well who he is, what he wants (literally and generally speaking), what he can and can not do. He expresses that too. He can express what he thinks and feels, and he does that in a very respectful way, being respectful of himself (!), me, and others. He can talk about his disability, seems fully to terms with it (this, for me, includes e.g. expressing he is sad that he can't do this or that, which he did).
He has a great (and black) sense of humor! I love this! He's independent, will live his life, go swimming, spend time with friends a lot, will accept help from neighbors and is able to talk about all this. Likes sharing. What strikes me (as I have not much experience with men, and people in general, who are like this) is that he "moves about in the shades of grey" (no pun intended, lol), he has not yet overstepped any boundaries, often evaluates himself there and will express so.
He is fun to exchange messages with. We'll be talking on the phone on the weekend. He wants to date me.
What's the problem then, you ask? Well, I don't know!!! But I'm confused. And I feel feelings coming up! I guess this has already started to be "something" for me so the possibility of losing this really enjoyable, nice, sort-of unreal (I am so not used to such a peacefulness with any person) whatever-it-is scares me. I am aware that in my head I have moved into the future to something that is not.
I just don't know if I want to risk it. If risking becoming (more) vulnerable is worth it. Yes, there could be some nice time in this, but would I be able to deal with it being over, if it were? To me, that's a valid question to ask and it's important in a way, or feels important, to move into the future to find possible answers to this question.
At age 3, I lost my grandmother, who was, officially, before the law, my "mother" (my own mother had been too young to have the rights). I grew up with her and remember her (one memory) as loving and caring. Then I was taken away by my real mother, to more hell. At six, my great-grandmother died, who is the only person I truly truly loved. I missed her and cried for her until I was in my twenties. I lost lots of "dads" because of the way my mother lived her life. As soon as I had accepted one, they were gone. I lost friends who died (I miss you, BLT, so much) and I can't stand losing any more. Is it valid to be posing that question to myself? There probably is no other way than to risk it or not.
Anyone have any input? Just want to be a bit less confused so that I can make a decision that is good for me and what I really want.
Thanks for reading.
p-no
