To Discover Lost Memories

[Hopp]

Very tired and sad today. :(

 

[RussH]

Hopp,I will be following your diary. We can walk this journey together.

 

[Hopp]

Thankyou RussH!:) I didn´t write for awhile, but now I´m back. Today I have been with my husband to therapy. It was actually quite good. I found out something that I didn´t know before. As I understand it he also gets some kind of emotional flashback when he is going to talk to me. That is why he doesn´t want to talk.It has something to do with me explaning (maybe six months ago) that I have a hard time trusting him. We had problems to communicate even before, but then everything turned really bad. Now it makes sense...:O_o:

 

[Hopp]

I have been calm since me and my husband went to that therapy session. I know we have a lot of problems and that it is even harder when he also have flashbacks. Still it makes me more calm beacause I know what I deal witn, at least a bit.

In the middle of the week I got hold of a new feeling. I was going to write down on a forum three good things about today. I really had a good day so I thougt it would be easy. But I started to feel worried and couldn't write.:oops: I really didn't understand myself so I gave me some time to think. This is what I found out.

I haven´t got so much of appreciation and love in my life, especially not as a child. When I crashed a couple of years ago I did something I never have done before: I told people and searched for support (this was something I felt came as an idea from God). I noticed that some people actually supported me, some friends stayed by my side, some disappeared and some new friends took a step forward. I was amazed... :wideeyed:

Now I had a good day, I didn't need support and then I got scared that all my friends and supprters would disappear. :sorry:The only time in my life when I got love even if I wasn't able to give anything back, was the time I felt bad and was on my way to commit suicide. So, what about my more happy self? Is it possible to feel love, friendship and support when I don't need help badly?:shy:

 

[Hopp]

For two days I have felt my body more than I usually do. I have a bit of pain and that is not new, but I can aslo notice how tense I am. That is something I don't always do. I just feel how my arms get very tense for a while and then let go a bit and then again and again. I get a bit scared because the last time I felt something like this I got a major Flashback... :barefoot::eek:

 

[Hopp]

No flashback yet, so maybe it is something else going on...?

I've been thinking about something. My first T that I went to diagnosed me with PTSD. She also said "I don't think you have have ever felt happiness". That was difficult to take and I actually couldn't.:confused: Now I think she might have been right (that was a couple of years ago). But is it possible to ever get to know happiness? I'm not even sure I want to.... How on earth will I then be able to live with my history? How will I be able to cope?

 

[Hopp]

Yesterday I saw my T for the last time. She is quitting and they won't give me another one:( There are few people in this country who knows anything about traumas and about PTSD. Therefore I'm not sure I ever will be able to get that kind of help again. It is tough...:bawling: I feel sad, angry and hurt.

 

[Hopp]

I have a headache today since I didn´t sleep so well. A bit better now since I took some medicin and rested.

I have a hard time keeping some hope for myself. I do feel like my life is endning. I know that I have to stay alive because of my children, but I wonder how. I don't have suicidal plans, but it´s just the lack of hope that's making me feel so sad, tired and hopeless. :sick:

 

[Hopp]

Today I realized that I probably have had a lot of emotional Flashbacks during a week. That explaines that my body has been so strange, extremly tense and so. I've felt a lot of very dark feelings, endless hoplessness. It is so difficult whith these kind of flashes I think. I normally realize them afterwards.

 

[Hopp]

Today I went to a retreat in my church. I was a bit scared that I would get flashbacks when everything gets calm and quiet, but it was OK and I am so grateful.:) It was possible to draw and paint and I did a lot of that. I think that helped me to stay in the present. I Aldo got some new thoughts. I will be working with those and maybe it will be something to write about here.

 

[Hopp]

Today I'm out of Flashbacks:) I hope it will stay like that. I just wonder why I'm not able to understand that I have emotional flashes while they are there. It would help me a lot to understand that. Maybe I would be able to get out of them sooner...?

 

[Hopp]

Yesterday I went to a new helper. I don't know the word in English, but she is a therapeut and also physiotherapist. I hope she will be able to help me. I will start the work with her in january. It is always a bit scary to try to trust somebody again...