General To Help Avoid The Trigger Or To Help By Letting The Trigger Happen

[May1321]

This discussion is very helpful whereas I want to leave the exposure therapy to the therapist, the understanding of how this is brought on and should be dealt with if it does happen to happen out of your (the supporter's) control while in our presence.

Fortunately/unfortunately both my sufferers are war vets... My (boy) friend has kept himself fairly isolated thus far from the large groups and loud places, where as my brother and I have been around in such settings together. They each are definitely different but I've learned that recognizing it and compromising with it to get them to a safer place is helpful. Most the time I can get them to the outside of the crowd and there are ways to distract them and comfort them.... allowing them to express what is bothering them if they wish vs. nagging. Both are fairly tolerable as long as they can see everything that is going on and still enjoy the time we are out be it a concert or even dinner. Putting them together has actually been helpful, too, because tho my (boy) friend appears/sounds more protective, it is my brother who seems to be able to keep him calm.

This has taken time but my most successful situation with a trigger and one of my happiest memories with my brother was he accompanied me to a "Flogging Molly" concert (I love music). We ended up in the thick of it - no escaping - but a group of current Air Force guys we had met earlier sort of surrounded us taking my brother under their wing. They were able to express safety and that kept his anxiety at bay. Then they convinced him to go into the 'mosh pit'... I told him I'd go with him (tho I am half his size and the 'mosh pit' isn't my thing) but together they took him down and because of the environment of the "Flogging Molly" concerts - very happy go lucky - he was able to be in this setting and express what is normally fear and anxiety in a positive manner. He came back out of the center of the pit just giggling and telling me stories how one guy would bounce off of him and just laugh. Since it was not violent, I thought this was a huge breakthrough for him to see that he can be safe and still enjoy something I know he used to like to do :) It made my heart very happy. I hope we get to have more break through moments like this, and maybe even some with my (boy) friend down the road... though I am not planning on throwing them into another 'mosh pit' any time soon seeing that was a fluke the first time around ;)

 

[Wonderer]

Hi,
I recognize that to someone who does not have PTSD this question is valid. To partners it is a healthy way of determining which action to take, how to feel about their partner and whether they can sustain the relationship. To the person with PTSD this question can seem dishonest and self-serving as no human is immune to association to what makes them uncomfortable, frightened or angry. And so you have the dilemma and a perpetuation of a cycle that can get very ugly if situations triggering the survival "fight or flight" instinct become necessary to the PTSD sufferer.

As a survivor with PTSD, I can guarantee you that "triggers" to them are mechanisms of anger turned inwards (fear) that you would experience equally as fear or discomfort but not attached to any overwhelming experience of which hold themselves guilt of not being able to "overcome."

Why the guilt? Why the obsessive compulsion to "overcome?" We hold very firmly to psychosocial conditionings that imply (falesly, I believe) that we are "healed" when we are separated (emotionally or pychologically) from those events/destructive persons. Tragically, this is not healthy or humane, our personal histories recycle themselves beyond our control to continually affirm our experience which in turn affirms our individual person. Sufferers of lifelong abuse culminating in fixed PTSD cannot find a frame of reference in their internal memories (that are true of them) hence the degree to which the trigger connects with memories that they associate as destructive to themselves (not entirely true as they did survive!) will cause the severity of reaction. The trigger is NOT THE ISSUE the trust nessessary to believe the partner has no intentions towards adding to the traumatic trauma is.

Therapist can help the suvivior and their personal support persons by assisting in determining the severity of the PTSD, the therapeutic options available and be a monitor for them as to whether the affliction is overcoming the persons natural ability to cope. They cannot be a lifetime supervisor of their patient's disorder and nor can you. At the initial stage of recovery you cannot reach the person trapped in trauma! Allow professionals to support them. Eventually the time will come to establish healthy parameters and establish "reflective" communication. All relationships that are healthy reflect the "good" of each other. In the intimacy of that communication no therapist can ever enter. To love another is the privilege of the brave who dare to seek affirmation in another. This is difficult for everyone and beyond the fear of relating those with PTSD need to know explicitly what the intent is and reminded at the onset of triggers that they are establishing new affirmative goals utterly severed from the trauma of origin BUT not in denial of them.

It is beautiful and life affirming to love another, do not be discouraged by their trying behavior. It is the testament of your love, free of this crippling disorder, that will stand out in their memories at the next cycle. Also, pleasance kind to you and do not permit your capacity to love that person to be damaged or destroyed. No recovered survivor would disagree with me on this.I know from experience both of those who have loved me and whom I have loved, that it is possible to see reflected in a person so many attributes for you to love, but if it is not from those that they can choose to be or strive towards, then there is nothing you can do. Never be made to apologize for being wrong in loving another as what you see is true even if they can't or won't.

Hope this helps.

 

[Kintsugi]

I disconnected a trigger, "Grace". I forced forward new associations with the name and named two pleasurable things, a boat (His Grace) and my cat (Grace).

Wow, what a great tidbit, Albatross. I cannot even type my abuser's name, but he shares it with baby kangaroos. Just thinking about how he shares that name with such cute creatures makes me a little anxious, but maybe I should spend some more time thinking about baby kangaroos. They're so darn cute.
I have problems facing a lot of my triggers, like all of us, but something that helps for me is categorizing them as "maybe can face" and "No! Not ready yet!" For instance, I can walk my dog around my apartment complex, even behind buildings, but can't do so at night alone. I'm just not willing to go there right now.

 

[May1321]

At the initial stage of recovery you cannot reach the person trapped in trauma! Allow professionals to support them. Eventually the time will come to establish healthy parameters and establish "reflective" communication. All relationships that are healthy reflect the "good" of each other. In the intimacy of that communication no therapist can ever enter. To love another is the privilege of the brave who dare to seek affirmation in another.

It is beautiful and life affirming to love another, do not be discouraged by their trying behavior. It is the testament of your love, free of this crippling disorder, that will stand out in their memories at the next cycle. Also, pleasance kind to you and do not permit your capacity to love that person to be damaged or destroyed. No recovered survivor would disagree with me on this.I know from experience both of those who have loved me and whom I have loved, that it is possible to see reflected in a person so many attributes for you to love, but if it is not from those that they can choose to be or strive towards, then there is nothing you can do. Never be made to apologize for being wrong in loving another as what you see is true even if they can't or won't.

Wow! and WOW!

Thank you for this insight, Wonderer. I wish I could truly express how much it means - though I believe it and continue to say it - how important it is to take care of myself and just be the best I can be without letting the "symptoms" of my partner's illness that he is trying to overcome to affect what I feel or see in him. To never stop being the 'rock' essentially he knows best even if it means I can't always see or be near him.

Sometimes - even sometimes on a daily basis - I question my ideas wondering how much of a difference it really makes. I see it making tiny differences - if nothing else, maybe just in me and the change in the support around me (ie. family and close friends) - but he is still in the beginning stages and as you said "I can't reach him" and try to just encourage when he opens that door, or something important to share is placed in front of me and upon my heart to share with him.

Even though this is coming from someone other than him... the general acknowledgement touches and means so much! Very encouraging!

Thank You.

 

[The Albatross]

I had a "no mercy" rape crisis counselor who gave me the "express" way to get back to functioning... I had to go to 10 convenience stores at night, walk in, buy one item and leave, driving to the next. It was teeth rattling and I was petrified, but I did it. It can happen. Though it took me a little longer about taking a shower in the house alone... okay a lot longer, years in fact. I took baths, staying near the front of the house til the tub was run, so I could hear if anyone was trying to break in. But I can do that too now, though I'm more comfortable in the tub.