To Keep Or Not To Keep: Triggering Childhood Object

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've been moving house these last few days. I'm incredibly grateful to have my own place, finally. It's little and sparse - I lost all my housewares when I split with my ex last January, and I'm too broke to buy new stuff. In an attempt to help, my mom gave me some stuff.

One of the things she dropped off at my place was a quilt from my childhood, one that my grandmother made for me when I was five or six. When I was folding it to put it away, I saw the back and freaked out - full blown panic, flashback, awful. The patterned back - little blue and white flowers - is the pattern I remember so so vividly from when I was young. Laying on my stomach, naked, while he's violating me. Staring at it intently, trying to disconnect my mind by entering into the pattern, repeating to myself "I will not remember, I will not remember."

This quilt makes me sick. But it's also a handmade quilt, embroderied with my name and "love grandma." I can't just throw it away but I don't know how I can keep it. Every time I open the closet and see it, I freak out a little. I don't know what to do with it and or how to keep it around or how to throw it out ....

 

[Stickler]

For right now?
My advice is to put it in an opaque storage container, preferably airtight, so bugs can't get in.
Then you don't have to see it.

...I'd expose myself to it a little at a time. But that's what I'd do.
Slowly untangle the goodness in that quilt from the trauma, you know?

But putting it in safe storage gives you time to think it through.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you for bringing up this subject. I have some triggery objects around that I've been wondering the same thing about. No advice, but I'll be watching what others have to say.

 

[Kefira]

When I finally got out of one of my abusive relationships I had some things I couldn't bear to see. Some I got rid of eventually but I just wasn't ready right then. Some had some good to them too but I couldn't compartmentalize it yet. I put all of it in a cardboard box, clearly marked and kept it in my closet under some stuff for a couple years. Eventually I could deal with it enough to sort it and keep a couple things but it also was obviously a somewhat different situation.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think I want to get rid of it, but I don't know how. How can I keep the surface I was molested on around? How can that cobrine to be a part of my life?

But then, I don't know how to destroy it. And can I destroy something that my grandmother made?

And I hate the flashbacks I get with it. I'm supposed to be happy to be living alone, but really, I'm kind of freaking out. The quilt. And the bathroom - it reminds me of things too.

I hate that what happened twenty five years ago is still so forefront in my life.

 

[Flossy]

If you do feel deep inside "I want to get rid of it". Wrap it in an airtight plastic bag and seal it perfectly with tape. Maybe a couple of bags.

You can say some words over it or put some words in it or put something positive in it.

Wicca people would say to put it out under the night sky in your yard on a night of the full moon.

In your position, I would bury it encased in the plastic, with or without words. Take your time, choose your spot well.

This is what I do with my things. Some in rebellion, some just to have the ritual.

It really works for me.

If you feel strongly, a lot of hate or anger, you are allowed to burn it. You could cut out just the part your grandma embroidered and burn the rest. That is not disrespectful. It is valuing her handwork. She would approve if she knew.

I have also burned a lot of things, smashed some and buried some. I love it.

I hope this helps a little. You can have a cup of tea or a drink, while you do it, whatever suits you. Digging a hole even to burn it in is very ritualistic and therapeutic. Sit on the grass and do it with a spoon if you dont have a spade. It will take time then.

(((cyber-hug)))

 

[Friday]

If I made the quilt my child was raped on? I'd burn the sucker. Just to provide an alternate point of view. I put my heart and soul into things I make for people. I object to my heart & soul being used for evil against my wishes.

If you cherish it in part for the pattern that let you disassociate? I agree. Box it. Just because you have it now, doesn't mean a decision has to be made, now. Ashes are fairly difficult to undo.

***

On the other hand... I've gone on periodic sprees getting rid of everything I own, specifically everything military I own, up to and including simply walking away from apartments and flats because everything in them was either contaminated feeling (time to buy yet another new waffle-maker) or I had a massive case of DGAF. Even so, from time to time something would turn up. Oy vey, especially the stuff that still keeps surfacing over the years at my mom's house. I used to bring things home on leave, and my mom is a pack rat. So every time I'd find she had something? In the garbage or fire pit it went. Lol. Granted, I've thrown a few things away more than once. If I don't burn it or hide it, she'll fetch it back out again when my back is turned. Other times, someone will send me a unit pic, or a candid shot... And when I come up outta a 3 day bender the cursed thing with its ghosts are gone. I regret a lot of that. Not all of it, but a lot of it. I only own 2 pictures from a 7 year period of my life. My rank, insig, tags, ribbons, photos, kits... They're all gone. I regret that. Once something is ashes? Doesn't matter if I want it back. Even if I can never imagine wanting it back. Come to find... Lo these many years later? What I couldn't ever imagine happening, has actually happened.

 

[Chava]

Ditto burn it or throw it in the garbage with no guilt. You can say "thank you Grandma" and blow her a kiss wherever she is...nothing lasts forever anyway. The quilt my grandma made is in shreds and belongs in the garbage, but I understand what that part of sentimental connection is like.

If you hate the quilt, just throw it and know you will have done something compassionate and good for you, and that your grandma would approve, if she knew. If you feel torn (as it sounds like you do), fold it up nicely, wrap it in a bow or pretty paper or fabric just for your grandma, and "bury" it in the far away landfill by allowing it to go with the trash (I would maybe not bury it on your property, unless that feels right to you, then that's another option).

You do not need it and you will not miss it. If it feels appropriate you could do something else to remember the love from your grandma, like frame a picture of her, or a picture of and you and her together, if you have one. Or just know the love is just the same and she'd probably love to see you take care of yourself #1.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks, @Chava and @FridayJones. I'm not sure if I can throw it out yet, but I'm going to find an opaque box for it today and hide it in the depths of the closet, where I can't see it. I hate it. But I think I also want to do something with it that acts as closure for me, instead of just tossing it in a fit of rage. It has to honor all the other little girls (because there were, I remember being with them and him) too, not just me. I think that's the hardest part.

But I don't know what that is yet ...

 

[barefoot]

I think - though don't know for sure as I haven't been in this situation - that this would be more straightforward for me as I don't tend to get sentimental about stuff or invest much emotional attachment to things.

I suspect that if it were me, the fact that 'I hate it', 'it makes me feel sick' and 'seeing it makes me freak out' - I think I would just want to get rid of it, regardless of who made it for me or the message embroidered on it for me.
I wouldn't want to see it or have it in my house, I don't think, when it represented such awful, traumatic memories.

If I made something for someone, for sure, I would have invested time and care and love into that thing for them, so I would love it if it became this special, precious thing for the person I made it for. But your grandma would, I'm sure, have been appalled and heart-broken by the way it came to be used. So I don't think it in anyway disrespects the gift your grandmother made you if you wanted to get rid of it.

You sound very torn about this decision, so perhaps hanging on to it and putting it out of sight for now if a good option - until you are more certain about what you would like to do with it longer term.

I can absolutely understand your desire for closure and, in that sense, the quilt is perhaps a literal reminder and also a symbol of what happened to you and the others. Closure is a great thing and can be very powerful and healing. But I suspect that hanging all that emotion and desire for closure on this quilt is perhaps making this more stressful and confusing for you. Are there other ways that you can gain some closure around this and 'honour all the other little girls' in a way that doesn't get you caught up in the emotional charge of this item and your relationship with your grandmother?

I'm truly sorry that you're in this position - it sounds like it's causing you a great deal of emotional conflict and that's the last thing you deserve.

 

[Kefira]

I don't know how good the item's condition is, and you did say it was personalized but here's a stab at an idea that might help you think outside the box so to speak:

I had a couple of stuffed animals in that box in the closet for a while. One was given to me by my ex before things got bad, the other had just picked up too many memories and was starting to become a trigger. When I finally went through and got rid of things I called around to local women's shelters to see if any of them would take used stuffed animals. Places like children's hospitals want new but from what I gathered at least where I was most of the shelters and safe spaces would take things like stuffed animals or blankets as long as they were clean.

If you feel you need to do something to honor it, there might be a way for it to be a comfort to someone who doesn't have the negative association to it. Just a thought.

 

[Chava]

I understand wanting to honor the connection to your grandma. And also finding the right kind of closure. I'm a little confused though on this part (no judging, just I'm not sure I understand):

It has to honor all the other little girls

Why would keeping it somehow honor what they suffered? They have their own stories and can honor their own truth in their own ways. Is part of the blanket involved in remembering for yourself? A trigger but also like a way to not throw out your story??? (not sure if this is making sense, but I have personally wanted to throw my whole self and my memories in the garbage, which I understand is not helping myself....but I wonder at what point the memories/reality/experience is separate from the objects, and at what point we are remembering vs just triggering horrible feelings). ??

Not sure if I'm explaining this well. But the bit I quoted of your last post made me curious. Aside from your grandma's connection, what else might there be about saving this, and what purposes does it serve in your mind (and/or are there other ways to do this)? I don't know... just asking. I think keeping it away, out of sight, is good for now...good work thinking it through...