To Live In Two Worlds Leaves You Where???

[Srain]

It's completely frustrating and difficult to know how to balance my insanity with sanity in this life. I live half or most of my life Depersonalized or Dissociated, I'm now completely aware of this. The other half struggling to keep here and work on trauma issues, (Oh big fat f*cking whine!!! I can hear it when I write this, for the love of God! Grow the f*ck up!!!)loving my family and friends, and attempting to control my admittedly raging self. I have also recovered, surprisingly and wonderfully, my ability to multitask which has been fantastic but has gotten me into some confrontations with some neighbors. This has completed my position of "Raging Lunatic of the Neighborhood", only with a legal stance, which has left both pissed off and seriously depressed. Court was lovely as the Judge thanked me for showing to be the witness for Animal Control. My neighbor is not very happy but at least he didn't have to pay the full

While on one hand this was going to happen one way or the other because this is just the type of person I am in any living situation, on the other I am exhausted, totally and completely at this point. I cannot seem to catch up at all. I live this pressure every single day and night. My nightmares are eating me alive. Every time I step outside my door I am faced with a neighbor or the whining whirl of garden equipment that goes on and on and on until I want to scream. And then there's the runaway dog of the day that riles up all the other dogs, not only is he is extreme danger of darting out into one of the busy streets where he is likely to be hurt, probably in front of my house (it's always in front of our house, I swear!), he inevitably deposits yet another pile of crap that may or may not leave my dogs ill long after I have done my best to remove all of it, yuck yuck yuck. And my Service Girl just got over being ill this past week which, of course, always seems to cost as much as if I were to go to the dr.

This is just ONE of the many weird issues in a stack full of issues hitting me right. I may choose to address this one because it is tangible and accessible, that would make sense. How can I really visibly and make quick work of the bottom feeders that go against the law and attempt to rake me over the coals for fun and games?? I have to hit them with paperwork and wait wait wait, then address their new corporation names and hit that one, it's enough to make you scream!!! But I do it.

I'm sick of it and sick of the bullshit, sick of raging down the street knowing I have to and yet knowing nobody gives a shit. I know I have never fit in here and I don't care but I don't fit anywhere either. I am in 2 worlds constantly flipping in and out throughout the day. My husband experiences this day in and day out with me on his day off. How can anyone live like that let alone live with someone that does that????? I am a serious case of nobody. When I feel okay the topics of conversation change so fast even the most well-meaning cannot keep up, how weird is that? It makes sense in my head but is unexplainable to others.

I am diving head on into the Spring Depression. I am whooped.

raining

 

[Reclusive]

Oh, Srain.... (((hugs))) I marvel at your strength. You may not be feeling strong right now, but you are handling so much and all at once. Your neighborhood sounds seriously whacked out and I'm sorry for that. If I had to deal with anything you were I don't know what I would do - and that increases my admiration for you even more.

Living the two lives can be hard, but you're slowly bringing them together and you can do this - I know you can. But maybe it's time for a day off or two? It seems like you've been really pushing the last couple weeks and maybe some down time would do you some good.

 

[Srain]

Thank you Reclusive. Thank you the encouragement, I really need it this week. I tried to discuss this with an old friend of mine but bless his heart he doesn't understand. He means well, let me just leave it at it was difficult to feel connected on this level or understood but it's always nice to touch base.

I confirmed my tdoc appointment for today. I'll make sure she is doing well. I missed another appointment out yesterday simply because I was overwhelmed with fatigued and ended up back in bed crying. No matter how much sleep I am getting right now it means nothing, I'm exhausted and depleted.

Again, thank you for your support.

Rain

 

[Reclusive]

Well, remember - this is an always thing. It's not like a job where you're only there from x till y - you are coping with PTSD every moment to some degree. That takes some serious muscle, emotional and mental!

One thing I promised myself is that I would never miss a tdoc appt if I could help it. If I was doing badly, that was an even BETTER reason to go than if I was doing well. We tend to keep the really bad parts to ourselves and I don't think tdocs can be as efficient if they don't have a chance to see what we're describing. It's like explaining the grand canyon to someone who's never seen it before - it's just a giant hole.

I had a med change this week, so I'm with you with the exhausted and depleted. I'll think happy thoughts at you while I'm laying in bed because I can't summon the energy to sit up anymore.

 

[712xx]

Hi Srain, it has been almost a year since this post. Do you still feel like you live in 2 worlds? I can relate -- the same feeling, just in a different way. My own 2 worlds :rolleyes: where I'm both seeking to be useful in any way possible, and ignoring the internal turmoil I can feel raging inside. I do what I've always done -- ignore the bad stuff for as long as humanly possible, detach in any form achievable, till I can't take it anymore and ... well, I'm hoping there isn't another 'and' any time soon.

Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away, but there isn't anything else I can really do. I know there is an end; feelings are temporary. Mine are ebbing and flowing, and churning up like choppy seas before a storm. Maybe there will be a cold front to come through to cool things off -- or at least numb them down.

Can you remember these struggles decreasing and ebbing away? It sucks to know they eventually come back -- but determining it is temporary can be helpful. :cautious: I think I might be able to remember bits and pieces of the last major crisis where life didn't seem worth anything anymore. I did find ... relief (or maybe relief found me) -- and many times before that. So, it should be reasonable to conclude my current struggles will resolve in time as well. Right? :unsure:

I keep telling myself to just ignore my inner simmering emotions for as long as possible, and keep the mind and hands busy on other things. At least I am aware; gives me time to prepare for the worst when it does hit. The emotional tsunami is on its way and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.

There needs to be an icon with a rain hat and an umbrella. :ninja:

 

[Srain]

Wow, it's been awhile since I have read this post and much has happened since then. I have been to court again with bully neighbor in front of the same judge. This time it did not go so well and things had gotten even uglier with some racial slurs thrown our way, however, all in all the outcome has been an unspoken truce. I have added another Trauma Therapist, worked on my rage and boundary violation issues. Cut loose 2 family members that I felt were tweaking some of my flashbacks just to be able to catch my breath and have worked more on inner balance.

Your current struggles? They internal only? Mine present internal to external, I am incapable of hiding my "issues" these days. My peace comes from catching the paranoia, the trigger or stressor in time, or riding out the flashback. I am not successful most of the time but looking at this post I am miles from that place and time :). It has gotten massively better! Actually, I'm rather surprised at how much better as it feels I still struggle so much but then this time of year tends to be a rather bit of a struggle depressive-wise for me anyway.

I will say I don't dissociate nearly as much as use to, I am more aware of my emotional and physical pain but less at the mercy of my emotional pain. I do struggle relentlessly with isolation still but am planning to make a huge trip this Summer by myself to break through.

Thank you so much for posting. I don't have any idea whether my post this go around makes any sense or not. I am not so sure about a rain hat but umbrellas are nice to hide under at times ;).

 

[AngelaMarie]

Rain,
The pressure of dealing with bad neighbors is BIG and never ending. I know. I have been dealing with bad neighbors for a long time. Thankfully right now things have calmed down so I can breath, but I know there have been times that I felt like I couldn't even breath because the pressure never let up. Loud music, barking dogs, smoke from her BBQ where I have to keep my windows closed, a cat she doesn't take care of and walks around the neighborhood crying, etc. The worst part is having no legal recourse in Holland. They don't do anything in this country about this behaviour. UGH.

I don't know what happened in court, Rain. I am sorry it didn't go well. I know it's super hard, but try to let it go a little and concentrate on getting healthy and stronger. That stupid neighbor, those irritating dogs will all be there if you take some time to love yourself.

Wishing you the best, my sister friend! I wish I could help you more.

 

[Srain]

Court was a wash with the understanding that our bully would lose BOTH dogs should there be even 1 photo of them in our yard plus the judge suggested I get a restraining order. I chose not to at this time but should they ever verbally attack me again I will once again call the police and file the injunction without hesitation. It's the choice I made at the time.

I'm healthier now and my rage is in check. I appreciate your thoughts and support, very very much!

 

[heidi]

I always think so much of you when I read your posts. I'm amazed that you can be going through so much and still have so much empathy for others. I think with this disorder everybody slips occasionally. And you can feel as bad as humanly possible within a millisecond.

But I also feel like you don't view yourself correctly. You fit in and you are an inspiration because you keep going. It really seem like you're so hard on yourself.