To Make Contact Or Not To Make Contact

[Casey_03]

I need advice on a rather complicated relationship. It is a very very long story, but I will do my best to compress it. I have only recently begun dealing with my PTSD, after an abortion reopened previous traumas and sent me into a downward spiral. Neither I nor my boyfriend at the time handled the abortion very well, and there were a series of terrible arguments. Anyway, we had cut contact for a while to let things cool down, and then when we met again, miraculously, it was like nothing bad had ever happened. I am still very much in love with this person. We wound up briefly re-uniting only to have him cut things off with no proper explanation. We tried to stay friends but it was hard to keep it platonic. About six months ago, at his request, we decided to take a break in contact. Over that time, I have really begun to realize how much my PTSD affected the relationship, and I regret that I never even told him I have PTSD. Now, the fact that we are not in contact is a major stressor for me, because it makes me feel ostracized since I work with all of his friends and we run in the same circles. I am feeling an overwhelming urge to reach out to him to have him back in my life. But at the same time, I'm terrified that I will get an unpleasant response, or learn that he doesn't value me enough to keep me in his life. Do you think it's worth reaching out? Hearing this objectively, what advice would you give?

 

[scout86]

I'm not going to offer advice. I have an old and valued friend who told me to get out of his life, for reasons he never explained. Oh, he said it wasn't anything I had done, but, of course, I think he just said that to be nice. Now that I know I have PTSD and can see some of how it's caused problems, I'm tempted to contact him to at least say that much. I've debated it a lot. I'm probably not done debating it. But, right now, I'm leaning in the direction of honoring his request and staying out of his life, no matter how much it bothers me.

Your situation is more intense, but similar, so I hope people give you some good insights!

 

[Kintsugi]

I can't tell you if it is worth it to reach out. If I were you, I would imagine the worst possible response, and then I would ask myself if I could cope with that response.

What is more important to you? Trying to reach out to someone for whom you still care, or protecting yourself from a negative interaction in an already fraught situation?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I much rather regret something I did as opposed to something I didn't do. If you are strong enough to deal with total rejection, I say take the chance and reach out....be HONEST and let him know about your struggles and tell him that it affected your relationship in the past. At least you won't have a big question hanging over your head....

 

[MissKB]

I much rather regret something I did as opposed to something I didn't do.

I'm of the same philosophy. I always like knowing that I tried everything then I seem to question my actions less. I'm currently in a one month waiting on relationship status update from current boyfriend. He just up and decided to give his ex a month to see if they can rekindle their relationship. This is really killing me. I will be calling to get my answers from him as soon as that month is up.

 

[gniyalsmi]

I regret that I never even told him I have PTSD...I am feeling an overwhelming urge to reach out to him to have him back in my life. But at the same time, I'm terrified that I will get an unpleasant response, or learn that he doesn't value me enough to keep me in his life.

hmmm these statements are extreeeeemely revealing. I think there are some bigger issues going with HIM, not just you. And that all in all, you will never have a truly healthy, safe, loving relationship with this guy, no matter what you decide to do in the short term. That's all I'm going to say. You either already know in your gut this is true, or you will find out very soon anyway. My 2 cents is working on growing and improving yourself, and value yourself enough to know that you deserve a person who values you no matter what sort of PTSD/sickness/quirks/diseases/mistakes you have going on, and you deserve a person who holds your truth as sacred and would never leave you feeling a sense of regret that you told them about your PTSD, or shared anything vulnerable with them.

 

[Casey_03]

Thank you all for the feedback, it really did help. I think I am going to give it some time before I do anything, make sure I really do want to reach out. @gniyalsmi I should clarify why I am worried of getting an unpleasant response - the last time he and I spoke he was very emotional and said flat-out that he wasn't over everything that happened, so I'm worried that maybe he's still not over it and I don't want to push him. Also, he was generally pretty selfish about the whole thing and seemed more focused on how much he had suffered rather than on how much I went through. So, yes, I agree with you that he has his own issues going on and is not an ideal partner. But I do value him immensely as a friend, and he is one of very few people in my life who really had faith in me. Up until the pregnancy/abortion, he was amazingly supportive of me in everything and was a truly positive influence on me. So I guess it's that part that I want back; that faith is something I really need right now as I face my demons.

 

[Ellabella44]

Ive found from the abortion board I had been to that the men who had been caring and supportive before the abortion were also deeply impacted by the abortion. It could be that he is also coming to terms with this. Honestly I was shocked when I read the mens section of the board that some seemed as upset about this as their partners, just without the hormonal changes we go through. My ab dad was a bastard about it to me so thats why the shock. I would try maybe seeing if hes ok. Hard to tell though in this situation, others ive seen have been eiether rejected by the man, or ended up grieving together and honoring thier loss together.