Hi All:
Been staring at this blank box for awhile. Odd how it seems to take on a metaphorical property.
I suppose this all began when I was very young. Homelife was helllife. Alcoholic father, very violent, etc, etc. Wish my mother hadn't told me I was a product of rape. A pregnancy that he wanted to end vis a via a vetrenarian that did back room abortions in the day. He used to beat my late brother as he was dying of leukemia if that gives it some context. He is dead and I wish my memories of all that died with him.
My mother went to her grave with severe PTSD. As a kid she'd lock herself in her room after telling me she was going to kill herself. I was alone. At 8 I was dumped off at a boarding school where some kids were routinely raped and beaten. I got the later.
What ever think they could have harmed me more than what had been done already? Fools. Lived there for 2 years in that environment. Started abusing alcohol where ever I could steal it from. That started in the 2nd grade. By 19 I was nearly dead from alcohol and drugs. Was on my own and homeless at 17.
Cleaned myself up, went to college, did well. Still felt so very diffrent. Hated to be touched. Hated people for the most part. No trust. I did find a wonderful woman that I lived with and things were good. Trust broken and I went on a run for a couple years. i.e. suicide on the installment plan. Cleaned myself up again.
Worked in a field where I saw people dying and had many I was close to die on a routine basis. Held some as the life was getting sucked out of them. Dealt with dangerous people including gang members. Cops as well as they thought I'd make a good informant. So i was subject illegal arrest, search, etc, etc. Personally I just wanted to help others and got involved with the criminal life. Saved a lot of lives.
Watched my kids mother drowning him at 6 months old. Hardly knew her but did know my kid was in danger. She abused him to the point he is disabled. Went to CPS courts etc. They couldn't care less. System here sees kids as property of a female and fathers are just garbage. Had one fair trial and I got full custody etc etc.
She tried to kill us. They just let her go. I didn't even know for days what had happened. Useless people. That was follwed by assaults, death threats, b&e, stalking, etc. Cops, courts again do nothing. I moved.
Stalked again. Threats of abduction on my son. She feels he is better of dead and wishes to grab him and kill him. Again all a joke to the cops. Courts don't care etc. etc. School told her she went to that school had to pull him.
After I moved I came down with a medical condition that became serious. I needed an operation but had no childcare. For several years I lived in extreme chronic pain. My GP had me sign my chart as I was refused hospital care, again. Condition was acute and if progressed I'd have about 45min to an hour before I was dead.
Got married and got the first operation. Wasn't even married for a year. PTSD has removed most every relationship I've had in years. Ruining current one.
Was able to do some therapy during the A&D recovery times. Spent thousands. EMDR was helpful. Tried to access public system but found them to be immature and inexperienced. Besides they put all their notes up on their 'secure' computer system. Tried private. Saw a private psycologist that deals with military as well as civilians. Did the PTSD test and all but two indicators maxed out. That was before I got sick. His tac was to get me to trust the system and gov't again. LOL.
So here i am. Feeling lost like a ballon that has been let go to the whims of the winds. Wonder if theres been too much for anything to ever change. Was odd in recovery when I heard that word I'd think 're?' never been 'covered' so what do I know of what to return to. Assessed as a pre-teen alcoholic. I dont drink but a couple times a year. Don't use. Could never do that to my kid.
<edited for basic grammar by Deaf Global Nomad>
Been staring at this blank box for awhile. Odd how it seems to take on a metaphorical property.
I suppose this all began when I was very young. Homelife was helllife. Alcoholic father, very violent, etc, etc. Wish my mother hadn't told me I was a product of rape. A pregnancy that he wanted to end vis a via a vetrenarian that did back room abortions in the day. He used to beat my late brother as he was dying of leukemia if that gives it some context. He is dead and I wish my memories of all that died with him.
My mother went to her grave with severe PTSD. As a kid she'd lock herself in her room after telling me she was going to kill herself. I was alone. At 8 I was dumped off at a boarding school where some kids were routinely raped and beaten. I got the later.
What ever think they could have harmed me more than what had been done already? Fools. Lived there for 2 years in that environment. Started abusing alcohol where ever I could steal it from. That started in the 2nd grade. By 19 I was nearly dead from alcohol and drugs. Was on my own and homeless at 17.
Cleaned myself up, went to college, did well. Still felt so very diffrent. Hated to be touched. Hated people for the most part. No trust. I did find a wonderful woman that I lived with and things were good. Trust broken and I went on a run for a couple years. i.e. suicide on the installment plan. Cleaned myself up again.
Worked in a field where I saw people dying and had many I was close to die on a routine basis. Held some as the life was getting sucked out of them. Dealt with dangerous people including gang members. Cops as well as they thought I'd make a good informant. So i was subject illegal arrest, search, etc, etc. Personally I just wanted to help others and got involved with the criminal life. Saved a lot of lives.
Watched my kids mother drowning him at 6 months old. Hardly knew her but did know my kid was in danger. She abused him to the point he is disabled. Went to CPS courts etc. They couldn't care less. System here sees kids as property of a female and fathers are just garbage. Had one fair trial and I got full custody etc etc.
She tried to kill us. They just let her go. I didn't even know for days what had happened. Useless people. That was follwed by assaults, death threats, b&e, stalking, etc. Cops, courts again do nothing. I moved.
Stalked again. Threats of abduction on my son. She feels he is better of dead and wishes to grab him and kill him. Again all a joke to the cops. Courts don't care etc. etc. School told her she went to that school had to pull him.
After I moved I came down with a medical condition that became serious. I needed an operation but had no childcare. For several years I lived in extreme chronic pain. My GP had me sign my chart as I was refused hospital care, again. Condition was acute and if progressed I'd have about 45min to an hour before I was dead.
Got married and got the first operation. Wasn't even married for a year. PTSD has removed most every relationship I've had in years. Ruining current one.
Was able to do some therapy during the A&D recovery times. Spent thousands. EMDR was helpful. Tried to access public system but found them to be immature and inexperienced. Besides they put all their notes up on their 'secure' computer system. Tried private. Saw a private psycologist that deals with military as well as civilians. Did the PTSD test and all but two indicators maxed out. That was before I got sick. His tac was to get me to trust the system and gov't again. LOL.
So here i am. Feeling lost like a ballon that has been let go to the whims of the winds. Wonder if theres been too much for anything to ever change. Was odd in recovery when I heard that word I'd think 're?' never been 'covered' so what do I know of what to return to. Assessed as a pre-teen alcoholic. I dont drink but a couple times a year. Don't use. Could never do that to my kid.
<edited for basic grammar by Deaf Global Nomad>
