To Talk To My Dad Or To Not Talk To My Dad..

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Your right. I did reach out to him first. It had been 13 years and I was at a point in my life that I just wanted to see.. at that point, zero intentions in a relationship, I just wanted to know of he was alive. And if he was, then take it from there. The first call I made was to a long lost grandmother and she almost had a heart attack hearing my voice. It was a whirlwind at that time. Because I didn't just reunited with him. It was my whole family on my father's side. (My mother's side who I didn't know as a child took me in) and long story but they made a no contact rule. My father side was impoverished and my mother's side was a different story. Anyways, my point was out of respect to my mother's side of the family who took me in and cared for me, I didn't seek him out. And the same is true for my dad. From my father's pespective, I'm sure they could be viewed as very intimidating. I wanted to honor my grandmother, so I neglected my own deep desires for answers until it became too much. I just had to know.

Who initiated that question/answer session? While your questions were being answered by your father, what was his emotional/energy level? Were his answers matter-of-fact, get it done and over with? While he might not have remembered things the same way did he leave it at that? Did you feel your memories/pain validated by him?
Did he ask you questions about your life, your struggles, or triumphs and actively listen?

Like I said, a whirlwind. I was active duty in Colorado, my dad in Michigan, I was a single parent at the time, and just about to deploy to Iraq. He seemed very pleased, happy, honored, and blessed that I found him again. And humbled I would give him a chance, but a man of few words so he is a difficult read..

What I gather from his wife Darla, is he suffers from Guilt bUT she too has a hard time getting emotions out of him. He's pretty withdrawn in that way. Fun loving but not the talking type. Best way I can describe it

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

While he might not have remembered things the same way did he leave it at that? Did you feel your memories/pain validated by him?
Did he ask you questions about your life, your struggles, or triumphs and actively listen?

At the time, yes, he gave me more than I expected because honestly the picture that was painted of him was very bleak from the one side of the family. So my expectations were almost zilch. I was surprised to even know he got sober. That had decent morals/character traits. I think I was more caught off guard.

So we took it slow and just talked on the phone. I remember he would call and I would call. He flew out to see me, then I flew out to see him. This was over a span of 10 years. I let him in very slowly, guarded, but it all changed after my deployment, my new husband, my disability, then my husband abuse, then subsequent suicide.

I'm fuzzy on dates, details. It's been a rollercoaster of the 5 years.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I noticed you said "probably" already does. You really don't know for sure.

I really don't know for sure. Like I said, he's hard to communicate with. He does not really engage in active listening, he is more passive. I feel heard, but he never responds appropriate to communicate that he heard me, and his opinion, and what he thinks. He just nods.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I'm a parent of grown children. They deserved a much better mother then I was capable of being. I don't think I will ever be rid of the guilt and why should I be? I live with it. I do not have the right to forget. I can only try to repair the damage enough to have healthy relationships with my kids in the present.
That's my work to do, my responsibility to reach out to them and not only accept I caused them pain but to validate their experience. I need to be available for those tough conversations, without excuses.

I live what you said "it's a lifetime commitment". Here's what I beleive, we do the very best we can with the information we have been provided. And when we know better- we do better. Being a mother myself, I understand it's a lifetime process. There is NO such thing as a perfect parent.

I know it wounds me to see my dad suffer with guilt. I'm sure your kids feel the same. Regardless! I admire you for your strength of ownership and the courage it takes to right any past wrongs. That's a sign of great character, and your kids are lucky to have you. You may not always feel that way, but just know it's the truth. Your doing what you can Now. In the present. It would be easier to give up, place blame, feel sorry, and ignore it but your doing something. I applaud you. That's all I would want from my father :)

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I own it and when the time is right, I mention it to my kids. I do the recalling and say I'm sorry. When they mention things remembered, I listen.

I'll admit I got a little teary eyed when I read that. And it took my breath, that's ALL I want! Exactly this! I want to hear I'm sorry. I want to hear ownership. I want to know he understands and can appreciate the pain I carry from it. I want him to listen and not avoid me if I cry.

I feel like if I get that from him, I could move foward. It would release some of the pain. I feel like that would heal SO many of the past hurts

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I'll admit I got a little teary eyed when I read that. And it took my breath, that's ALL I w...

I cried as I wrote it. :hug: It was all I ever wanted too.

*sighs* WTF

Practicing self forgiveness can be a real bitch.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Oh yes it can! And you have EARNED that right to forgive yourself.

I don't know a parent out there that has gotten it exactly right. We all screw up. We make mistakes. We are not perfect. We say things we don't exactly mean or don't understand the consequences for. So many scenerios.

Your doing what you can. You have placed yourself in their shoes, you have reflected, you have owned and admitted. I beleive it's time to forgive yourself. You have a blessed future of happy joyful memories to create

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Does your dad possibly have PTSD?

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

Does your dad possibly have PTSD?

Honestly, don't know. I'm not even sure he believes I have PTSD or that's even a real condition. Frustrating. But in his defense, He doesn't know what happened to me in combat, and many experiences after, as many people dont. I think everyone just thinks I got weird after deployment and now that I'm still grieving.

He could! He shared some pretty horrific stories about his dad's death in his teens & then turned to drugs after he married my mom, and became a single father because of her severe mental illness.

I don't think he would ever even consider getting help though. I had to pull teeth just to get him to finally go to the Doctor in the first place to get a wellness check after 15 years of never seeing a doctor.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

First and foremost. Focus on you, your daughter and your healing. The rest will take care of itself.

 

[Ronin]

thought I would get more than one opinion.

Sure thing, glad you're reaching out. ;)

Still planning to get back to you, thinking of what you said and options.

 

[Ronin]

My deepest desire Feel validated. And he may or may not be capable of doing that.

Well, assuming he would be capable of doing that - what then, though? Would validation be the thing you need to keep moving to wherever you need be next, and is it validation only from him that would have that effect? Thinking if perhaps you couldn't get it from someone else you respect, or a father figure in your life.