To Tall Of An Order

[Gagaku]

This is the safest place to vent this due to struggles, internal conflicts and fear.

I don't know how much more of all of this I can take. Though my health is poor and it's one medical condition simultaneous and added to another, I get up each morning and go about a full day of care giving while taking on too great of responsibilities. Generally, sometimes throughout numerous days of relentless requests and demands, I am as if switched on - triggered I believe, into behaving like a gigantic and frustrated baby or let's say an arrogant asshole. True, yet (lol) anyhow if only to acknowledge how absurd and ease some pain.

I am sick of it and I'm tired of this frightening and threatening arrangement. I'm so tired of my reaction to it all: my arrogance and sometimes anger, - the arrogance, - all of our fears and defense mechanisms.

Please excuse my bluntness, but I am so fk'ng tired and sad with it all. :cry:

O.k. so just now to place that crying face emoticon in all of this is too invite misunderstanding or trouble. As if I'm not suppose to fk'ng cry. Who wouldn't? Isn't it healthier just to go ahead a cry within some text window, and here softly at home, than some other worse alternatives. I don't need more misunderstanding or trouble and I don't need to be corrected for every flaw and perceived one. I have no desire to rejoin and return to continuing my previous awful backward shift and abandonment of some personal values either. Nearly always, even while trying my best to be all around protective and a peacemaker, as well as, to know that the majority will survive, - too great of grief, loss and/or failure can result.

On one hand I wish I would finally die every time, sudden regular conflicts, anger, high volume, confusion, irritability and anxieties begin and continue almost daily until easing. Of course on the other hand, (like a cornball, I imagine) I wish family could simply go easy, appreciate life and invite love for one another. Not seemingly - intentionally create additional troubles and problems to endure and while showing no real devoted interest in helping solve.

I'm tired. :inpain: I'm tired. :( I'm tired. :grumpy: I'm really just too tired for such a tall order. :poop:

 

[Roturi]

I wanted to reply to you but I fear I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness myself. I just want you to know I feel your pain. Is it ok to cry? Is it ok to feel overwhelmed with these emotions be them anger, sadness, hate, resentment etc... yes it is ok. And whats more its understandable to feel the way that you do. I don't know enough about your situation to give you any real guidance but I think from my own experience and from your post I can say that its ok to feel what we feel. Its understandable and its a reasonable reaction to the stress of our lives. For me even so much as to accept that I feel this way, to give in and cry and say thats ok has helped. I also try self soothing activities and try to avoid things that might have once brought comfort but now only bring distress. I hope ive helped in some way.

 

[Imek]

"It's bad when you annoy yourself / so irritating / don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else / don't let me get me / I'm my own worst enemy / I'm a hazard to myself"

Yep. Been there. Do that.

Don't forget HALT

Hungry, angry, lonely, tired... And fix the ones you can.

 

[Gagaku]

You have helped Roturi. Thank you for your sincerity. Thank you for reaching me.

I am sorry that you too are hurting and overwhelmed. The validation that it is ok to feel is important to me and help too. I really don't like feeling hate and/or resentment, I'd much rather cry. All the stress and my inability to manage time for me to take care of my health, sometimes frightens me so much I do feel resentment and hate when troubles and work do pile.

I too continue to avoid the chief thing that once brought comfort - alcohol. I no longer binge or purge and I barely if ever allow myself to take previously prescribed anti-anxiety pills. I really do appreciate your support and words and Imek's reminder to HALT. I am once again a work'a'holic of sorts and have lost much ability to stop work, take care of myself, relax or enjoy life.

Good reminder too about fixing the one's that I can. I can't fix anyone, not even myself, but I can help make life simpler if I give up beating myself, trying to control others and taking upon myself others due responsibilities, - even if often others may wish I hold myself responsible for what's theirs as well as mine.

I guess it's a simple tough shit for them if I'm not interested in willingly dying beneath everyone's baggage and neglected responsibilities. It's especially hard when you've grown up around families where buying into delusions and utilizing scapegoats is the acceptable norm. Longing to belong, only to discover, giving all the complexities, I may never really belong anywhere. It kinda sucks. Yes, it sucks.

I feel tired, old, doomed and defeated.

Yet, still alive and so there is certainly hope, though it doesn't feel this way right now and besides it's not enough, deeper more significant changes is absolutely necessary.

 

[Epe]

Take it hour by hour then day by day. I feel from reading your post that we are in extremely similar situations and my heart goes out to you. I want you to know you do belong. You belong in this world and you have a place. My family are delusional and have scapegoated me since the day I was born but I dont belong with them. I'm not like them and thats ok. We are different but we do belong in this world. You are strong, you are beautiful and you belong to yourself. You're special, you can break the cycle bit by bit and you are so so important. Your heart belongs to you. As does your mind, body and soul. I made the mistake of giving all of those things away when I had no right to. They belong with me and theres nothing wrong with sharing that occasionally but never to live for others. Its not so bad after a while trust me. Dont fuss yourself to change everything at once. Accept who you are first and like I said take it small steps at a time. Live for you because you deserve a life that is healthy and happy.

 

[Gagaku]

Thank you Imek for your comments, as well as, much needed reminders, like I referred to in my above post. Thank you for your support. I very much appreciate this.

 

[Gagaku]

I am crying because this is freeing. Also, sharing that you're being scapegoated since birth is truly very sad. Yet, I am so glad too that you know and accept that you don't belong with them and you know that it's ok to not belong with them. You're free. I too wish to be freed emotionally in this fashion, once again. I was once. Somewhat anyhow. It certainly meant something to me then as it was empowering. Though it's in hindsight that I recognize best, just how empowering then.

Epe, I will reread you post again and again. If I don't for nearly any other reason other than I've forgotton, then shame on me. Your comments are most helpful. Thank you.

 

[Imow]

Both of your posts connect with my experiences and feelings. I really have no family...they are either dead or so distant in contact that I have walked on my own for many years. Honestly, I am okay with this because the few years I had with family was so tragic, I feel safer without loving or owing my time to relationships with endless torment. My friends in my 12-step program are just right for my life at this stage.

I ventured into a new romantic relationship a couple of years ago. This home has grown to be overwhelming in demands and disrespect for each other. Two members are very selfish and unwilling to compromise, and two are all giving learning how to not compromise everything to meet others expectations. I am a peace maker, and after 8 years of practice I have learned how to provide peace without sacrificing myself or asking others to sacrifice their core being in the process. I have boundaries today (which is huge because I spent 28 years thinking I could make others happy by meeting all their demands, which is IMPOSSIBLE), and I cannot give up parts of who I am to meet the needs of others any longer. At the same time, I am willing to listen to the complaints and reflect on my behavior. Sometimes I find the other person is right and I work diligently to correct my behavior. Other times, they are asking me to change the core of who I am to subdue their own fears, grasping for happiness from outside of their selves instead of from within. Tactics of stealing what they want from me vary between taking a manipulative victim role, such as acting as though my lack of cooking dinner tonight because I am at my sons football game is selfish and a sign of loss of love...my answer, if you are hungry, make or buy yourself something. Or a victim role by expressing my school, work, and son's football games are a way of avoiding spending time with my significant other. When this doesn't work, out comes the aggressive tactics of emotional punishment, silent treatment, and desperate acts of trying to hurt me or my son through aggressive domineering behavior toward the people responsible for robbing this person of what they "need" to be happy.

Boundaries are my key. I do not participate in these activities. I simply assure everyone I love them, do my best, and leave the rest. That is all I can do. It will either work out or it wont. If I am not meeting needs by being who I am, I can accept that and we can move on with no hard feelings. In these situations it is not about me being defective. It is simply about having different values. My values are not wrong for me, and neither are others values wrong for them. Perhaps they are just not compatible. It isn't personal, we have a responsibility to care for ourselves and our joy because no one else can or will...other people's joy is not my responsibility even though I love to be a part of the joy. But I cannot bend backwards and compromise my core, or sacrifice the role I want to play to myself, my son, my employer, and my fiance. I simply cannot subdue another person's desperate grasps for relief from their own pain. I am willing to do anything for anyone, within healthy limits. I started having my fourth spat of panic attacks after a 7-year break with this situation, which is what brought me to this site. I have learned to recognize this as my insides screaming for help. I have missed something in my boundaries, or perhaps the trauma of my first marriage is creeping up as I see similarities between partners. Perhaps this relationship will be okay and has just provoked fear. That is where I am struggling...what do the panic attacks mean? Leave? Stay and give it a chance? I really have no clue.

 

[Vahu]

I think it's good to be able to cry,, & actually a good model for others. I very rarely can unless it's over someone else's suffering or overwhelming grief, but never self-empathy. Even frustration or sorrow leads more to suicidal ideation than tears.

You help others but not taking upon yourself the 'guilt' (unfounded) of being responsible for their responsibilities. HALT, & boundaries (referred to above) re just the beginning of finding that emotional freedom you had before. Then can perhaps come self-care too.

Of course, the worry over dangers or what can't be controlled is always there but.. it can't be controlled. You can only live.

I don't like living with resentments either. But there is truth to scapegoating. Sadly if something happened to you, such as your health, you know you'd be 'blamed' anyway. It's about taking responsibility (them for themselves, you for you), & living in a way 'ok' for you. You don't have to justify that to anyone, if you are not hurting others. To be kind, to not engage in others' anger or demands if you don't want to, to be true to yourself, to feel even if the only safety in doing so is alone or elsewhere. Some people are safer tthan others, & more open to communication without attacking or demeaning. Itt's not good to internalize the demeaning.

:hug: -?, if that's ok.

 

[Vahu]

Sorry, I meant 'by not taking' not 'but taking' above.