To tell or not to tell?

[Notsowild]

That sounds awful, having a manager gunning for you like that is a nightmare. In terms of your colleagues, do you need to tell the, about your symptoms or could you just say you suffer from PTSD which affects your reactions at times.

thanks for your suggestion. No mention of symptoms? If I'm cranky it's usually from insomnia. Most everyone gets that sometimes. You don't think they'd understand. I know the one girls has panic attacks. So that she would understand.

Could you maybe just mention you have problems with anxiety? You could say that can lead to problems dealing with stress, such as insomnia and panic attacks.
Giving them an idea of what you're dealing with sounds like a good idea. I don't know that they need a lot of details.

Perfect that sounds great. Thank you so much

 

[Notsowild]

The issue of confidentiality already being breached on so many levels, though, DOES give me pause .. If this were my man's situation, I'd counsel him to wait till the dust settled and he was able to think more clearly and FEEL more CALM about his next steps. It sounds like you've already reached SOME resolution at this point, and explaining further might just muddy the waters. People who DON'T understand PTSD (in ANY of its complicated forms) might jump to other conclusions about how they read you, and thus read INTO this or that reaction you offer something that might not even be there. (You might "feel" less in control than you actually are - it's ok to not show all your cards, in this kind of situation.)

It sounds, at this point, like this needs to be treated as a communication issue, and your team members need to come directly (!) to you with any concerns, first. You know it's going to be WAY better for you to react if they bring a genuine concern for you, than if you get broadsided by upper management or HR with something that sounds much worse than it really is .. So what could you do to cultivate that sense of "trust" with your team members so they feel more open? .. Sometimes just occasionally [privately, if possible] ASKING them for their feedback - checking in once in a while .. "How am I doing as your manager/supervisor? Do you have any suggestions for ways I could improve? Do you wish I were doing anything differently in terms of how I'm communicating with you?" etc.

That by itself might be all they need to hear to feel "trusting" or more open with you, and then you could deal with any snags along the way on a case by case basis. It might also be helpful to document any conversations in a planner or notebook (or online schedule).

Example: I had a conversation with so and so on this date; I asked this (a), he/she responded (b), we agreed that going forward I would (c) and/or he/she would (d) ... and then be sure to follow that plan.

Document as consistently as possible. Even if their response is "No, you're doing great!" Cuz then if HR comes back, you've got a trail that proves you couldn't reasonably be expected to know that there were any problems - so and so TOLD you they thought you were doing great. (see?) It doesn't need to be complicated, just consistent. You could set a personal goal of having a conversation like this on a quarterly basis, or every month, or whatever REASONABLE timeline works for you. :)

Speaking AS a manager and supervisor with teams of people under me in the past, your situation would have been a trigger for ANYONE - PTSD or no! - and the stress attached can be AWFUL. Just awful. :hug: But it doesn't sound to me like you "owe" any further explanation - and the only reason to disclose more about your own trigger points should be only if you feel COMFORTABLE that their knowing won't come back at you as a threat in other circumstances. Based on how the complaint was both made by the people involved AND by how it was handled by the powers that be? I would not feel comfortable disclosing too much personal info .. It might only create further (unwarranted!) prejudice. You're obviously doing great on the job to be IN the position you're in. So KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! ... :)

Not sure if any of that helps?

~S2B

Does this help? Yes so much. I wanted to quote the whole post.i love that " cultivate a sense of trust" Ask how they think I'm doing? Most of them have more seniority so they hate being told be me what to do? Feedback and communication are excellent ideas too. I'll talk to them about that. You are one smart lady. If I may say so.

That breach of confidentiality really floored me. Most knew about the complaint before HR came. I was already convicted in some of their eyes So wrong! Bad manager!!! why do they keep her? Thank you so very very much:):):)

 

[Rumors]

Just my opinion, but I wouldn't mention ANYTHING to ANYONE until you can assess the situation from a much less emotional status. I don't know what work you do, however there are personal liability issues that can become involved if you admit to coworkers that you have insomnia and don't sleep well and someone under your guidance gets hurt. Please, please don't trust anyone where you work with personal information. You would be shocked at the number of people who will use those things against you when convenient.
I personally wouldn't say anything except, "shows over lets get back to work!" and be done. The person I would confide in is your therapist. I have seen far too many of these things go south because in the wrong hands, information can be used vindictively.
That completely sucks, by the way. I am sorry, but I don't think there is anything to be gained by sharing your personal health information. Best wishes!!!

 

[Notsowild]

Absolutely apalling and unprofessional behavior from the manager! It's a very tough call, but I would consider disclosing ptsd

My manager, HR , the district manager and everyone in the company knows about my PTSD. It was written on a treatment form from my doctor almost a year and a half ago. She's been abusive to us all. Why oh why don't they get rid of her?

Sorry you're going through this. If I were you I would not tell ANY of your coworkers about your health stuff, not even panic attacks. It's none of their business and it doesn't sound like you're in the best environment to share that kind of information and trust people to be normal about it. If you feel like you need to tell them in order to explain something, I would keep it so extremely minimal.

I've worked with these girls for over 6 years now. The manager has been here a year and a half. Both of these girls very verbally abused by her too. I thought I could trust them. Lots to think about. Thanks you so much.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My manager, HR , the district manager and everyone in the company knows about my PTSD. It was written on a treatment form from my doctor almost a year and a half ago.

Based on this, I would DEFINITELY document everything that has just happened and insist on this going in your file, as suggested above:

Specifically, write up what has happened (like you did here)as factually and objectively as possible. Report actual words if you can.

You have SOLID ground to stand on, here :) And your documentation will go that much further to APPROPRIATE corrective action taken in response to your manager's actions! You can also include a *cover letter* to the FACTUAL info with your more *personal* complaint regarding how you feel you were treated unprofessionally by your boss. And from this point forward, *document document document* ;)

It really sounds, @Notsowild , like you have a good handle on this! I know it shook you - it would have shaken ANYONE - but you have your footing, and you have a good step or a few that you can take to see this through to GOOD resolution!

You got this! :inlove:

~S2B

 

[Eleanor]

Why oh why don't they get rid of her?

Because companies are afraid of firing people. Especially mean people. They need to go "by the book" - which is a long process. Write her up, "counsel" allow time for her to correct, write her up again... repeat until they have a "substantial record." If she has simply disclosed, and not harassed (caused "specific and sustained harm") AND THEY CAN"T DOCUMENT IT, they might not fire her. This happens ALL THE TIME. That is why it is so very important to report and document everything, over and over and over again. Is it a risk? Yup. But not to do so is a risk as well.

I wish it were other...

Get the gals you work with to document it too if you can... Together you can get rid of this manager.

 

[Glenn R.]

Notsowild: I honestly can identify with your horror completely! I have always struggled when figures of authority -- especially bosses -- have called me into their offices. It feels so much like being called into the principal's office. I just want the whole thing to be over with already so I can get back to my life. The element of the unknown drives me crazy; it really puts me in a horrible state of anxiety.

This has always been the way I've responded emotionally to accusations -- true or not! I continually feel like I need to be perfect and constantly find myself avoiding making mistakes at all costs. Not only do I not want to be seen in such a negative light by others, but I don't want to open myself up to criticism by my own ego (inner critic, inner persecutor, inner abuser), which is the cruelest judge of all.

 

[Notsowild]

1)
6) Just finished my Harassment Training (HAHA, love the title) and NO ONE beyond you, the complainant and the manager and HR should have known ANYTHING about a complaint. File a complaint about this ASAP. Names and times and places of the conversation and what got said included.
7) This is serious stuff, and your employer is acting in a VERY unprofessional manner - and exposing themselves to serious legal action by not taking the manager to task (which they might have, but you'll never know). But if you don't complain officially... nothing happens.
Harassment deals are always won by playing the long game.

Thank you so very much. My situation is a little more complicated. I now have a Human Rights complaint against my company. There is a settlement meeting in April. Should I still tell HR? I hate that probably everyone in the place knows about the complaint about me. Of course it was untrue but they'll never hear that part Hmmm

 

[Glenn R.]

Just my take, influenced by my experience: I wouldn't tell anyone at work about any mental health issues. The world just don't get it yet! It had been thrown back in my face by some when I did years ago. No more!

 

[Notsowild]

I think you should be able to say it is Insomnia and that should be enough. Lord knows, even without such charges against one, Insomnia is quite common and as far as I know, not considered to be a mental illness. Here where I live, MENTAL ILLNESS is something that folks are scared of and will treat you as if you are weird or a person to fear, if you are suspected of having a mental disorder of any kind.

Isn't that awful how we can be treated. Here in Canada we had a "Bell (phone company) Lets Talk day" were alot of well known people came forward to discuss their mental illness to bring more awareness and understanding. It was a great success. Hoping it helps us suffering from mental illness. But yes that what I thought too- insomnia and maybe panic attacks. Their more well known and accepted. Wow this is tough! Thank you so much for your help.

Just my opinion, but I wouldn't mention ANYTHING to ANYONE until you can assess the situation from a much less emotional status. I don't know what work you do, however there are personal liability issues that can become involved if you admit to coworkers that you have insomnia and don't sleep well and someone under your guidance gets hurt. Please, please don't trust anyone where you work with personal information. You would be shocked at the number of people who will use those things against you when convenient.
Best wishes!!!

Yikes I do worry about that too. This manager is so manipulative. She plays people, she picks her favourites, gives them special treatment . It's like working in a mine field. You don't know where to step and who to trust. Thank you for your helpful comments and best wishes.

 

[holdenmonty]

for me personally I would tell the HR person and ask what the appropriate course of action might be. Also if your manager is verbally abusive to your co workers I would say you as a group should file a report with HR on your manager.

 

[Notsowild]

This has always been the way I've responded emotionally to accusations -- true or not! I continually feel like I need to be perfect and constantly find myself avoiding making mistakes at all costs. Not only do I not want to be seen in such a negative light by others, but I don't want to open myself up to criticism by my own ego (inner critic, inner persecutor, inner abuser), which is the cruelest judge of all.

Sounds alot like me too. More so now that I have a boss gunning for me. Who's perfect though but I still stress too much about it. How about a thread on perfectionism? Thank you so much for your helpful ideas.