To Tell Other Family Or Not

[hithere]

My grandmother sent me a letter asking me how I was doing,, stating she was concerned about me. I wrote her back that I was in therapy to deal with the effects of some painful childhood things such as being raped at age 6 and that my parents were hostile towards each other. I told her I had a diagnosis, but that I am doing better and I can say that I'm happy. That is pretty much verbatim whatl I wrote in response to her question. I think the "buzz" of my family is that somthing isn't right about me. I'm not really sure what prompted to the letter.

Anyway, my sister said she called her to talk about me and the letter I sent and what did my sister think of it. I have no idea what my sister told her. However, my sister told me my grandmother said she doesn't believe me. My sister then went on to say that I was very wrong to have told my grandmother about my past, that she didn't need to know, and that I just really brought my grandmother down. She said I need to leave the past in the past and to "let go."

I feel pretty guilty now for telling my grandmother a short version of what I'm dealing with. Was I wrong to answer my grandmother's letter in this way? Was I wrong to bring her down? My thoughts were I was tired of keeping up the appearances of being the brightest, and best family ever. Maybe I was trying to "tattle" on my parents. I don't know. I'm also feeling "exposed" and like I gave them more ammo to label me the weird one.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hmmm. I think it's just about learning who and when to tell. I told all of my immediate family. But telling other family members? I can't see myself doing that unless there was a specific reason to.

It's also worth thinking about before you disclose: what happens if this person doesn't believe me? For me, I wouldn't care if it was some internet rando, but if it was, say, my favorite uncle? I'd feel pretty crushed. But there's no reason Uncle Allen has to know, so I don't feel like I have to tell him.

 

[Sharon7788]

I’m sorry she didn’t believe you and you didn’t get the support you deserve. I think I would have done the same thing you did. It’s very invalidating on your sister’s part to say that you shouldn’t of told her. I can’t stand it when family protects the abuser. So heartbreaking ?

 

[grit]

I do not know if there is a name for this phenomenal but when one person gets out of the grip of generational trauma in families it sort of makes those inside a bit panicky. You have the right to tell anyone and especially those adults who were there.
Stay strong because the more you gain independence, the more they may feel threatening and try to make you feel it project their pain.

 

[BrownLea12]

The guilt and shame of what happened to you belongs on the perpetrator, not you. I’m sorry you were invalidated as someone earlier stated also. You could shout what happened from a roof top if that would help you to heal. Take gentle care of yourself.

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh @hithere I think what you did was so good and brave. :hug: Well done. :)

There are a few points I'd like to make so here goes.

Your grandmother asked and you told her.... telling her lies doesn't help you or her - does it? Sure there's gotta be some realisation that you had horrific things happen to you when maybe her and other adults should have been looking out for you. Since that didn't happen well enough to prevent those events, now you are looking after yourself so thanks for asking grandma! If you felt like you could write it down and tell her then well done you! It's your story of how you are right now so you get to choose what you tell, not your sister so back off sis...

She's your grandmother ffs - therefore probably old enough to deal with it... or not? That's entirely up to her. If she chooses to not believe you then well I hope you know she's got a problem that you cannot help her out with.

As for bringing her down... what? No. You are not responsible for her 'down' feelings.

Maybe your sister needs to understand that whilst you cannot change the past, because it's impossible to do that even if she wants to sanitise it the way she suggested, you cannot because you lived it. But hey you can and are doing your best to fix up your life right now so you wrote a good news letter. :rolleyes:

Again, I think you did a really brave thing being honest with your grandmother. It doesn't sound like you turned it into a melodrama/tattle tale session. And remember, 'you cannot unring a bell'. It is done now.. your grandmother knows and I reckon that's likely a good thing for you and her. Tell your sister to calm down and to resist trying to guilt trip you. You are all grown ups afterall.

If your family cannot handle the truth then that's their issue. Not talking about it will only work for a while. Do you really think you've told them something that deep down they actually don't know? Truly you have taken the weapon out of their hands by telling the truth. They cannot hurt you anymore with this. So ammo won't do them any good at all.

Take care. :hug: