Today Is The 3 Year Anniversary And I Am Not Doing Well

[open eyes]

Three years ago today I was sexually assaulted in a swimming pool & came close to drowning. This week is also the one year anniversary of my psychotic break & my first psychiatric hospitalization.

The month of June has always been really tough for me but this year is even more so.

I'm so depressed, I've been crying on & off all day, & I've been having awful self harm urges/suicidal ideation. Everything just feels heavy & fake. I have some great people in my support system but I feel like I need to hide this from them. They can't know I'm weak. I don't want to be vulnerable again.

I don't know what to do or where to go.

 

[Meadowsweet]

What do you do for comfort usually? I have a special blanket, and will lie under it. it doesn't help stop the flashbacks or emotions if I'm feeling that way, but it reminds to not make any choices yet, but to take cover and wait the storm out. I tell myself that this will pass, and let the flashbacks and emotion wash over me, until it does pass.

Or, perhaps more so with depression, I write. I don't know about you, but the urge I get with depression is to shut up and hide in the depths inside myself. I know that that's not a good place for me to go, so i write (sometimes on the forums), even if I feel like I'm writing nothing of any worth, I force myself to do it, just to stop myself disappearing inside my head.

So well done for reaching out here, and I hope that it will pass soon.

 

[seedling]

Hope you feel better soon. Sorry that it's been hard for you. Take care.

 

[WillyKat]

We have a tendency to tense up and hide when these things happen. And that is a way to keep us safe from the original trauma, though it doesn't work so well otherwise. So my advice is to make sure you're safe in the here and now, then work on the tension and fear.

Writing is a great idea. Let every emotion you feel flow out, regardless if its anger, fear, sadness. Let yourself feel and express these things.

Remember to breathe and if you can do it safely, go for a long walk or exercise.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I don't know about you, but the urge I get with depression is to shut up and hide in the depths inside myself. I know that that's not a good place for me to go, so i write (sometimes on the forums), even if I feel like I'm writing nothing of any worth, I force myself to do it, just to stop myself disappearing inside my head.

Completely agree with Meadowsweet here. If you feel like you really can't share this with the people in your support system, you need to find another way to keep yourself "out of your head".

But I'm sure that if your support system is only a little good, they would not judge you for showing that you're hurting. Think of it like this: if a friend of yours were to tell you they're hurting, would you think they were weak?

Some other things that might help you cope without dissociating from the real world:
- watching your favourite comedy show or movie
- listening to music (though not the depressing kind!)
- light reading
- light excercise
- or even cleaning up your home (with some uplifting music in the background), as at least it helps you clear your mind.

Or perhaps you can call a friend just to talk? You don't have to explain it all if you don't want to.

I hope this helps!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@open eyes
I struggle like you and I wish you felt better. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I just want to say hang in there. The other posts have great advice. I like to read the forums when I'm depressed, it helps me get out of my funk.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have only been through the anniversary thing once and it was horrible. I had never been so scared of my own thoughts before in my life. One thing I did around that time was throw rocks (in an area that wouldn't hurt anyone or anything). I wish I could do that more often actually. I also did a lot of writing. It's great that you reached out on here and hopefully you will find some comfort in the support here.

 

[Deleted member 27262]

Have you tried EMDR therapy? It might be what you need.

 

[open eyes]

Have you tried EMDR therapy? It might be what you need.

Yes, I have actually. I did 5 sessions last summer. I still have mixed feelings towards it, but I'm considering going back & giving it another go.

 

[seedling]

Hope you feel better as the month changes. It's nice when the anniversary stuff starts to fade.